City Break without the one I love.

Im so sorry breton that you are not finding joy in your trip away. I have the firsts too at the moment. Tonys birthday, our anniversary soon then my birthday and also fathers day. 

Ive been trying to explain to my new boss why im struggling with brain fog, concentration, memory and endless meetings. Yet still he pputs presdure on yo go to umppteen meetings which often means more time travelling leaving me e hausted. I so wa t to love my job again. 

I hope you got some sleep x

So sorry to hear your trip has not been a success Breton. So much I want to do to my house too but as I keep saying very hard now with limited income. We wanted new double glazing a few years ago but the money had to go elsewhere when our gas boiler packed in and because it was so old the parts were obsolete and so we had to get a new one. I am of the `old school` that I will keep something until it finally breaks and can't be fixed and this boiler I think we got our money's worth out of it being over 30 years old but it worked you switched it on and away it went doing what it had to do and we had and I still have boiler service where I get it serviced once a year. So the boiler was a necessity because at the time Jay was going through his cancer treatment and it was in the autumn so the bulk of the money we had saved had to go on that. Major projects like that now just seem an impossibility and I must admit it does upset me slightly when I see couples getting things done that maybe we wanted to do and maybe something I can never have. Maybe one day. The first year is hard but then again its different for everyone. As I have said here already for me the first year just went by in a haze I was neither up nor down with it. I think it was still sinking in for me that he wasn't here and I was still coming to terms with him not being here. The 2nd for me for just that bit harder because then I think you finally realise that they are in fact gone but we get through it in different ways. I hope its not too painful for you to get through. For me just now its the build up to June when Jay passed but I'm sure I'll be ok. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Exactly the same. 1st April was our 48 th Anniversary cut short last year. I had hoped 2025 would be a good year for us. How can we be expected to feel positive when everything turns to Crap ?      My Hubby's Birthday is 14 th. My Mum's which I celebrated with her last year 21st, Eldest sons 23rd and mine 25 th April. None were celebrated this year or last really cos he was so ill. In fact he was oblivious to the date . And now I am anticipating the fateful day which I'm already having flashbacks of again. Seems I'm feeling sorry for myself. I do try to think of those who have lost their Spouse or child younger. And how much they have lost. But it really doesn't make my loss less painful. All my Family have accepted he was very ill ,which I don't need telling . But still I find it hard to accept that it was his time . And he certainly wasn't expecting it I don't think. He seemed to be shocked that his time was suddenly up,despite being so ill for so long. I had to take another sedative to get me off eventually after 6 am sometime I drifted off. I was in a terrible state yesterday. Really felt overwhelmed. It was as if I could hear my Hubby saying the same lines over and over. "I'm not gonna get out of here" And again and again I crumble like I did at the Hospital. I cry every day and try to do it quietly unseen ,but it's hard . I really don't know how people cope having to carry on with their job whilst grieving. It takes some control which I don't seem to have got any long period. Another day and we will be going back. I need to keep the tablets with me. just to keep my emotions under control. Some lovely Italian Ladies came to our table in a cafe today and asked if I was okay. I think one had heard me crying in the toilets. I just told them I was tired and didn't sleep well. I wish He could come back to me ,what I wouldn't give . 

1. Thank you for taking the time to reply Vicky. I know everyone is struggling just now and we all will be for some time to come.Most of our savings went on the Solicitors fees, Surveyors and  Moving the house contents. Then having to get a boiler here . After putting a boiler in the older house ,which most likely was installed 50 years ago. I wish we had been able to move sooner and had some money left to do the work needed in this house. It is a big hit losing our Husbands wage/ pension etc. Two can live almost for the cost of one And it is really too difficult for one to live comfortably on a Pension. 

Yes, Vicky the Anxiety that builds up in anticipating the arrival of the Anniversary of our most Precious soulmate is Horrendous. I am a bit of a wreck just now. Ruminating constantly of what was said and things that happened. I think 6 months was the time when realisation hit me that he was never coming back. Just what I really hadn't appreciation and taken for granted that we still had time . Hope you are coping in your time now also leading up to the dreaded day. Cx 

Not having a great week Breton as I have already posted here. Completely forgot it was the anniversary today of my dad's passing 14 years ago. Subconciously I think this is what it has been this week every coming week now is `the build up` and I totally forgot about my dad and I never forget that. I have been more focused on Jay's passing I think. I know what it is just now will pass but just when is another thing. I took a really bad bout of depression last July where I just hardly left the house at all but hopefully it won't get that far this year. 

xx

Out of interest did any of you mark your wedding anniversary in any way. Im not working rhankfully but Im a bit torn between just staying home alone and just grabbing a train to take me somewhere, anywhere. Id still be by myself though.

Usually we didnt do a lot other than go out for a meal but Im not doing that on my own.

Thats just what we used to do Malengwa. We would always just go out for a meal somewhere. Can't say I've marked it the last couple of years though. Jay passed exactly 2 days after our anniversary on the 23rd June (our anniversary was the 21st). We used to laugh that we picked the longest day to get married. It was as if he wanted to hang on for one more anniversary with me. I don't think he knew what day it was at the end though let alone our anniversary. May start doing something to mark it I'll see.

xx

Part of me just wants to be alone with my thought. Ive just bought a nice journal, i hope I will use it. 

Breton, are you back from your break?

Im drwading this weekend, no plans, noone to see, just me, the garden tv and a jigsaw puzzle maybe.

Yes Malengwa, I just got back today at about 5pm. I tried so hard to not cry while we were away. Taking my valerian every 4 hours , it calms my mind a bit ,but still I think of my Dear Hubby constantly and I'm deeply depressed . And really so miserable.I did try to be better company for my sister . It would have been lovely if we had gone in better circumstances. I know he would have really loved Venice . Why didn't we spend the money he inherited more wisely ?? We could have had some lovely Holidays before he got so sick. Well we had to buy the car after the last old banger got written off ,so that was a wise  and necessary purchase . But when  I think of the money we spent to make the last House better, I could kick myself. The Breakfast at the hotel was good , most of the meals we ate out cos' they only served Breakfast in the hotel. We bought some lovely small Murano Glass jewellery to give as gifts . And I bought an oil painting for our grand-daughters wedding which is next year,So I will get that framed for her and her Husband to be. On the train home from Manchester we met Mark Labbett ( The Beast from The Chase ) on the train and had a good chat with him, and I asked him for his autograph for my Sister . He was just the same as he is on TV. So back to the rain and what else ? lots of mess I need to sort out  and get some things to put aside for a Charity shop. It's a shame we don't all live close enough to support each other more .