Hopeless

Hi Spirit!

I could have written what you just have. Sounds so like me only for me I feel there are no `weekends` anymore and the days as they used to do with covid just all sort of morph into one another. I still know when it's Fri/Sat/Sunday but those days don't mean much to me anymore. I haven't been away since Jay passed either (coming up to 3 years) we had our caravan which I had to sell so we were more or less there most of the time when Jay was here and like you I don't have anyone to go away with and don't like travelling on my own plus my funds are limited now too. I very seldom hear from my son who lives not far from me and I haven't seen my little granddaughters in weeks. When Jay was here we were the `go to` grandparents but since he has passed it has stopped. Granted my daughter in law is still on maternity leave since having my 2nd little granddaughter in October last year. They seem now to favour my daughter in laws sisters for babysitting I appreciate that because they have little ones my granddaughters can play with but I hardly see my new granddaughter and she doesn't really know who I am and when the older one was born they kept leaving her with us a few times before my daughter in law went back to work  to `get her used to us` as they would say. I do drive and my son says come over anytime and when I phone to arrange it they are always going out but the minute they're stuck for babysitters I get called on. I'd love to tell them where to go but it's not in my nature and they know I will do it anyway. Yes I'm having a bit of a time trying to get positive just now too. I have Jay's anniversary  of his passing looming in June and its the `build up` I think that is getting to me just now coming to end of April going into May and knowing June is getting closer.  I hate this time of the year now everyone is out and about enjoying what sunshine we get in the UK and you have to put on a face for everyone letting them think everything is `hunky dory` with you whereas in the winter time you can hide away and hardly anyone is about anyway. Everything just now just feels so unfair. 

xx

Oh spirit, I so empathise. I dont drive either and it does make a difference, our bus services arent great and finish at 5.30pm. I was due to go out for lunch with a friend today, she cancelled last minute, second time, I was so looking forward to going out. 

Yes holidays everywhere and no I cant bring myself to book one. Maybe one day but not yet. 

Its not pathetic, i find it hard to be positive too. Its our anniversary coming up and I just dont know what to do with myself. Stay home? Take a train out somewhere? I have no idea. 

Vicky, its a shame you arent seeing your grandchildren much. My family arent nearby so I only see them in the school holidays. Tonys other daughter, i havent seen since the funeral, although we speak on the phone, she rarely actually asks me how I am. 

Im trying to enjoy my garden a bit more but I just see Tony everywhere as he was a fixer and a maker. 

Its good to chat here. Hugs to you both x

Thank you Malengwa. I would just be lost without this forum on days when I feel as I am today. 

xx

I don't see much of my grandchildren either. Everyone is just too busy nowadays, but not necessarily busy with important things I'm sure. I feel that I just get slotted in between all the stuff they'd rather be doing. The one person I was important to is the one I've lost. I think we've all learnt to put on a smile for the sake of others. Thank goodness we can be honest here. 

Yes I would just be so lost without this as I said. Yes Spirit I get that that everyone is busy and life goes on etc that's a good description you made `slotted in` here and there. I would just be thankful for a phone call now and again but my son can't even do that preferring just to text and when I text back he says its like I've written an essay. When my son was little Jay and I used to try to include his grandad (my dad) in a lot of things because I lost my mum when William (my son) was only 3 years old and he was on his own looking after my sister so it would give him a break from that because I now see how challenging she can be. Used to include him in coming to end of term playgroup plays school services etc where parents/grandparents etc could attend but apparently now its different and only so many places are allocated to parents for these events maybe its different now. I thought that would have rubbed off on William but maybe they have their own way of doing things now. 

xx

My son is the same, no calls, maybe a 'how are you' text every couple of weeks, then when I reply that's the end of the 'conversation'. I know he loves me, but it still hurts to be sidelined that way. I guess they just don't understand. Maybe it's a generational thing? 

Think you're right Spirit. I'm going back 30 odd years since William was a wee boy think a lot generation wise has changed in all that time

My children have no idea how lonely I am. I last saw my daughter in March and my son at Christmas! I don't seem to have much of a life now, more of an existence. I don't want it to be like this, but I can't work out how to progress when I'm still crying every day. 

Hi i completely feel you on the holiday thing. I haven't booked any time of work yet as nothing to do or go with. My partner and I would have a city break in July and im to scared to go alone and most friends have partners so obviously can't expect them to entertain me. Last year I took my daughter away for few days , for her really but hard as was adult only hotel so couples everywhere. I do keep busy weekends to get through but cant stop thinking about not having anything to look forward to without him. Hugs to you. X

It's almost impossible to feel positive after what we've lost. A future we hoped for / expected with the ones we love. I forgot to take my sedatives with me today and so the Waves kept on coming . Ruining what should have been a great day out. I feel bad getting upset in front of my sister ,and embarrassed in Public. The sun is shining and yet I still feel despair. It doesn't sound Pathetic to us all here cos' we know the pain and how distraught we feel  It does seem to be getting harder and probably will do before it gets better. All we can do is take one day at a time  Have you tried listening to Podcasts ? Karen Sutton The Widow coach are very good Krista St Germaine . When you feel bad go on You Tube and listen. I find it calms me down. They know from experience how bad it gets and give good advice. x