How to cope with the loss of your partner

We are here for you B71 just like everyone who first comes on here. I just read comments on here weeks before I first wrote. You could google to see if there are any bereavement groups that are near you. I know most are not operating but most will have a number you can call. There's plenty of groups out there. I have been inundated with friends and other local widowers/ widows with groups they have heard off it even researched for me.

Dear B71 and all of you out there.

Firstly you are not alone, as hard as that is to comprehend. 

I wanted to write something on here for a longtime, but now having read your message and all the others, you’ve given me the courage to do the same.

Last September I lost my mum to an aggressive carcinosarcoma (endometrial) cancer, which from diagnosis to passing away was only 18 months. We thought after her treatments she’d get some respite, and infact were told that she was disease free, three months later is had all come back and last July she was told she has months left. It turned out to be 7.5 weeks.

Id managed to take mum to Switzerland, one of the many places on her list. She said “if this is heaven then boy I’ll be lucky”. Mum was my travel buddy for ten years after losing my dad. Now losing mum, I too feel like I’ve been crushed. It’s 7 months now and it still feels like it was only yesterday I lost her. she’s the most dominant thought I have. 

Whether a partner or parent or friend, The closeness and bond can’t be replaced. The grieving is unbearable. And the firsts of big dates like birthdays, theirs and yours become so tough. I’m now living in the family house and there are reminders everywhere all day long.

We can never prepare for grief, the way we are taught about life at school. I wish it was so that things would be better or a little easier to swallow.

This is one place I know we are all the same. And when you’ve spent just as much time In the hospital as your loved one has you begin to understand just how hard it really is. I quit work to be with my mum and it was the best decision, but now I’m trying to be pull myself together. I’ll be 40 soon and will miss my mother not being there. I’m the youngest son of two. I was mums chemo buddy, there at all the appointments and stayed with her in hospital the last few days before she took her last breaths. 

We do have to take it a day at a time, like mum said. We can’t control what’s going to happen but we can control us now. Don’t be afraid to let go and don’t judge yourself for being upset. Being alone in the house is painful, hard and it’s still very raw. Just know that we’re all in this together and none of us are alone. I’m still trying to figure out what I will do and get back to work/career, but these moments are life changing. It feels unreal, surreal and that it’s just been a bad dream. I’m hoping it will get better. 

Sending you all best wishes and positivity.

x

Hi All,

I was reading all your comments last night but it was very late and I was mentally and physically exhausted from grieving alone. It has wiped me out. Basically we are all feeling the same feelings and really struggling but most importantly we are not alone in this even though at times we feel we are especially during this period of lockdown most of us physically actually are alone.

13 weeks into this for me. My Darling Bob lost his 9 month fight with cancer which he fought with strength and dignity and died in my arms in our bed exactly as he wished he was 64 years old and he was the love of my life and i'm really struggling most days to even function. This grief has totally floored me. I have to force myself to get out of bed usually a family member will have to phone me to make sure I get up. I set myself a structure to the day, cleaning, gardening, 2 work outs and a run every day but nothing seems to mean everything. My spotless house and my beautiful garden are all totally meaningless without being able to share them with my Bob. 

I look at his picture, I cry - I here music, I cry, I sit in the garden, I cry - I lie in bed and I sob. I cuddle his ashes and sleep wrapped in his shirt and I am heartbroken. I just don't seem to be moving forward and I know this lockdown is not helping as I can't see my family. I am trying but OMG this journey is so hard and miserable and I know you are all going through the same.

Talking on this site does help me as it makes me realise I am not alone and writing down my feelings helps. Perhaps one day I might be able to write and say things are getting a bit easier but for now they are not.

Like many of you I was on a waiting llist for councelling but I know this has all been put on hold until we are out of lockdown so will have to be patient and wait.

Wishing you all the best day you can have and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Speak soon

Sheila x

Hi Shelia, 

You are doing fine. There are good and bad days for us all and I think I am only a couple of weeks ahead! 

I have got up this morning earlier as is normal for me, showered, dressed in less sloppy clothes, started a diet and put on make up. I think I have to kick this mopeing around that I have done!! Well that is my intention! I know had it not been lockdown, I would have been ok so I am going to try and pretend it isn't happening as such!! 

My house has never been so clean and organized! Lol.

Onwards and upwards!!

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Alison

i so agree with you and well done I had that positive thought also. Life is short as we have experienced so while we are lucky to still be here why waste it! Saying it and doing it are two different things. I will try and be more “Alison” let’s see how long it lasts. Earlier nights and cut out crap late night eating for me. Too late today on level of trampieness but will try tomorrow. My Bob would hate to see me like this so I’m going to try and pull into my big girl pants and crack on. Let me know how long you’d lasts please

love Sheila x

Hi Alison 

well done for having positive thoughts and you are right we all have good and bad days

don’t forget you were going for a walk too have a good day

take care 

Martin x

Hi All,

I too am trying to be a bit more positive today. I can't carry on moping around like I have.....what is the point!

I've just had lunch in the garden and the weather is beautiful. I'm going to jump in the shower, wash my minging hair and put on "proper" clothes and hopefully will feel a bit more like my old self.

Hoping we all manage a good day today.

Ali x

Hi Ali 

well done  too for being positive you can be some days  have a good day 

take care 

Martin x 

It’s bloody hard isn’t it. Have been very low and in tears for three days and have terrible migraines, but will take a shower after forcing myself to cook lunch. Will also go out in the garden. 

we’re not alone. We have a big community around us.

love and positive vibes all x

Hi Martin,

I made the walk, round the block! I also cleared up the mess my son made when he dumped everything he no longer wanted in my daughter's study!! I then came up with the brain wave of taking some of it to the paper and clothes bank! He had dumped all his school books and A level notes!!! I now have one neat box of books and a bag of odds and ends to take to the charity shop! 

I did some shopping too. House cleaned. So feel pretty accomplished today!!! 

Now to keep it up! 

Take care Alison xxx