Hi I didn't think I would be on Bereaved spouses having been on carer's for bowel Cancer for 2 years but I lost Simon last week in a Hospice.My story is long Simon had a right hemicolectomy as a emergency after his tumour pushed through the bowel found after called ambulance he had been in hospital in December 22 had scan nothing found this was 3 weeks later they saw it on scan. Recovered well could do the Capox Chemotherapy it effected his heart told watch and wait. His markers were rising 3 months later after a pet scan found small bowel and inner muscle of tummy, operation just in time it was partial blocked recovered well. Managed Chemo but markers never really came down nothing shown on scan another pet scan 6 weeks later it had spread to lungs around heart and more lymph nodes told us 3rd line Chemo would give us time it had also come back in small and large bowel Unfortunately only managed one before blood test showed low hemoglobin had to go to hospital for blood and iron transfusion said a bleed somewhere but never did any scans just sent home. Few weeks later screaming in pain arrange at home hospice because he didn't want to go in hospice 50 miles away from family a week of no sleep the district nurses and palliative care team could not get on top of pain then the vomiting started as we now know his bowel was blocked still would go in finally on 6th nigh we got him to the hospice and the put a NG tube in things settled but even in the hospice the pain wasn't be touch enough. Day 7 after 3 nights of agitation bless him he was finally given something to get him to sleep I didn't know that was the last time we would speak. 2 nights laying with him in a cuddle bed he passed away. I wanted to run out of that building to come home but now I am home alone I would give anything to go back the only thing is I never ever left his side even though it was scary and horrific at times
Oh Kate
we left behind have so much to carry.
so many images flashing through our minds, lingering and loitering and festering in a twisted ball.
When will we be able to see their smiling faces. Hear their laughter. The twinkle in their eyes without the nasties hijacking us.
But I also see Valen’s bravery.
Only once did he say, to me at least, “why me?”.
His thoughts were for me - sorting out the finances, his pension, the mortgage. Asking our friends to look after me, not to let me be alone. Cooking up batches of curry for the freezer.
Arranging his own funeral, down to flowers and order of service.
Even sorting through his clothes and arranging BHF collection (still more to do as he expected to stay at least another 3 months).
He wanted to go ahead with trial drugs, even though he knew they wouldn’t be a miracle cure, to help those in the future.
And yet, and yet, I see my poor darling not wanting to see his friends because of how he looked.
Only being able to take 10 slow paces round the garden before saying “enough”.
Only managing 4 spoonfuls of tepid soup for his last meal - he who adored cooking especially curry.
Deep breath - conjure up the feel of his hand on my shoulder.
Go clean the bathroom 
️
