How to cope with the loss of your partner

Hi Ali 

me all week at work 11 and 12 hour day two trailer some days been very busy and tired  go to sleep for couple of hours wake up go back to sleep and not eating chocolate in middle of nite any more lol 

ive been going for a walk if I have time if I don’t get home to late  from work go for walk  then home a cup of tea  then warm shower then go to bed seems to help me sleep you could try that  just the loneliness gets to me the most 

have a good afternoon 

Martin x

Hi ajay

remember it take time one day at a time  and try and look after yourself 

you are keeping busy that is good if you need to rant or moan put it on here 

have a good afternoon 

take care 

Martin x

Hi Martin and Ali

I have worked a few days too. Been trying to keep busy but hard at work,! It is driving me mad!!! 

I decided to power wash my patio and front path today. It was a grotty job but another off the list and I think I missed it last year.

Tomorrow will be an easy day tomorrow as it is about time for me! I  would like to be able to start reading again buty concentration on it is rubbish! 

I was proud of myself yesterday, I managed to get through a resuscitation session without flashbacks,!!! I was anxious about doing it.

Have a good weekend

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Alison,

You should be proud of yourself after what you went through, can't have been easy for you. Well done.

It's such a beautiful day I asked my son (18) to come for a walk with me as I was bored and lonely......his reply, "no thanks Mum". Oh well I didn't really expect anything else, always the optimist though!

I've always loved reading but like you couldn't concentrate, would read a paragraph and think "who are these people", no idea couldn't remember, so switched to magazines but I have just finished a book, it took me longer than usual but I enjoyed it and it took me away from myself for a while, so don't give up Alison.

Off for a little walk by myself now. Love Ali x

Like everyone in this group I am trying to deal with the grieving process. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with secondary brain tumours in December 2018. In the following December he was told that he probably had 6 months to live, but sadly after a short spell in hospital he passed away at the end of February. The grieving process is still very fresh and I find myself crying lots, not just about my own loss and the loss of the future that I envisaged we would share together, but also the grief of other people in these difficult times. I find comfort in the fact that my husband was a keen allotment gardener and I am able to use my exercise outing down at the allotment, breathing the fresh air, listening to the birdsong and sobbing to my hearts content when no one can see me (I go down there at 7.30am as I have started waking at 5 every day). I also am comforted that he passed before lockdown and I was able to be with him at the end and we were able to have a family funeral. I realise that a lot of people can no longer experience this and my heart goes out to them (one of the things that makes me cry when I hear others stories on the radio). Lock down is hard as I live by myself and I miss being able to discuss things with him as he would have understood all of the medical terminology due to his work background. However I am trying to find the little things in life that give me, if not pleasure, some sort of comfort. I am in contact more with friends using the various online chat apps, and I am a member of several book clubs so have a number of books on the go. I thought that I would find reading difficult, but if I concentrate hard then it gives me some space to forget about my life as it currently is for a short period of time. This week I joined my sister and nephew in a virtual pub quiz and the potatoes that I planted a few weeks ago have started to emerge from the soil. Both of these things would have been of pleasure to my husband and that gives me comfort and sadness at the same time. 

The thing that I have to remember is that grief can take time and cannot be fought. I listened to a great TED talk about breathing for grief, and the speaker told a tale of a CEO who was suffering from anxiety which was traced to him not having grieved for his brother. So I am accepting that grief must be lived through, even though sometimes the sleeplessness and the physical effort of crying can be exhausting. The main thing I think is to enjoy the memories of one's life together, it may be painful now but it will be the thing that will be happiness in time.

The great thing about this forum is that we have all had our own versions of the same experience and therefore can have a better idea of what we are going through than most others. However well meaning people are they cannot really understand how it is if they have not been here. 

Drama Queen

Hi Alison 

well done you have had a good week are you still being positive 

so Ali and Alison you both read books what kind of books do you read i only read magazines   Trucks and fishing lol  

Ali always go for a walk by myself it does not feel normal tho but I have to do it keeps me sane the concentration thing that’s hard too when I’m doing something hard to do anything for to long even do stuff then give up half way thro 

Ali have good walk

have good evening both of you 

take care 

Martin x

Hi Ali

I have twice persuaded my 16 year old daughter to come for a walk but it is embarrassing but she has nothing else to do! Lol.

Martin I read trash! Either chick lit or romantic novels that are set in older times!!! But I can only cope with a magazine at the moment..

Tomorrow is a day of rest, cooking a roast and a walk isy only plan,! 

Sleep has got poor again which is frustrating but I guess I am not tired enough!!! The days and nights are long! 

Love and hugs Alison XXX

Hi Drama Queen,
It's good to hear you're finding comfort in the things that you brought you pleasure before - the garden and reading. I too read a lot in the first few months of my grief. Just weeks before dying, my husband had bought books that he never got to read because he too had lung cancer that had metastasized to his brain, so his faculties were impaired, as you can imagine. I, therefore, picked up some of those books, which helped at the time. It kept him alive and allowed me to focus on something else.
You're right, we have to go through the grief and learn to navigate these rough waters. I remember the despair of the first months; I kept telling myself, just feel the pain and the anguish so that, later on, it will ease. It has eased. Life is no joyride now but by facing the onslaught of emotions, I believe I've gone through the worst of it.
So, cry, scream, read, whatever you need to do but you'll get through this like all of us.

Hi everyone,

I haven’t been on for a while. Been finding it real tough these last couple of weeks.

ive been trying to keep busy in garden and decorating to tire me out really.

i know some people are sceptical but I’ve had a reading over FaceTime and my hubby came through, had my son who I lost 30 years ago. Told me a lot of which she would not of known. His mother came through also and said although she was not living when we got together she was so happy as she knew we were soul mates. He is flickering the lights to let us know he is around, my light has been flickering for weeks, so has the nieces and sister in laws!

it has lifted me, like I say some people do not believe but I do and it works for me. 

I have also got a copy of ambulance paperwork as I requested.

it was so sudden and such a shock, reading through the paperwork has helped me with processing, my husband was so incredibly strong, they couldn’t find a pulse when they got here but yet he was talking and asking where the hell they have been as they couldn’t find our house, a 7 minute response took half an hour. It wouldn’t had made a difference to the outcome and the crew were fantastic.

i still have nightmares, hearing sirens getting nearer and further away, the panic is subsiding when I hear sirens through the day though so that’s a good sign.

take care everyone

much love 

Hi Ebony,

That is really brave. I would live to talk to my husband but then part of me thinks let him rest. I don't know. I would like him to know what I have done. We never got round to finally discussing everything like his funeral. I would also like to speak to my first husband and my nan. But I would be upset if noone came through.

I could have access to his ambulance notes and police record and GP record for the inquest. I got the post mortem but it was inaccurate, he was two inches taller and they didn't exam.his brain arteries! The GP report was not written by his registered GP! I have pointed out these facts and that the ambulance crew would not listen to me! They left an awful mess and he was left on the floor with his trousers half down. I don't know why and I was upset and unimpressed. The police were brill. I haven't requested the reports but did write in my statement I found a lot of inaccuracies and was not happy with some of the things that happened! 

I just worry I would open up a can of wounds. There are doubts about Ric's death because they never found a definite cause, he had been drinking whisky (less than usual) and he had some oromorph. I know deep down only Ric knows and I wish he could tell me, it was sudden and he was not scared..perhaps I will try and contact him after this is over. I know only he can tell me. 

I am glad you have some peace of mind, I wish I could..I am intending to write my complaint to the hospital next week as I promised him. They misdiagnosed him twice and treatment was poor. Hopefully that will help. I am pretty angry deep down.

Take. Care

Love and hugs Alison xxx