It has been such a fast year. I really didn’t think it had been a year. I feel I have tried to keep Stephen with me, not really wanting to let him go. So it was a bit of a surprise when my sister in law asked me whether I had plans for the anniversary. Two of our sons came the weekend of Fathers Day and the youngest gave him a present the day before as he couldn’t wait to give it him on the Sunday as he was excited that his dad would love the present as much as he did. It was a toy Landrover and JCB, replicas of his Dad’s. They both loved them and my son spent sometime looking with his dad at toy trailers so that they could tow the JCB (just like his dad did in real life). My elder son saved his present till the next day and regretted it, as Stephen was unconscious on Father’s Day and died the next day. I really can’t cope with thinking of Steven being died and not with me. I have kept myself very busy this year and my best friend has helped keep me going. I sold Stephens business and moved house all in the year. I didn’t really want to move but knew I couldn’t afford to live there without the business funding it. Stephen was worried before he died that selling the business and the house would be difficult and that timing it to coincide would be impossible, but I did it surprisingly. I feel Stephen over saw it and made it ok for me. He always looked after me.
Well tomorrow is the anniversary. We are going to Cambridge Botanical Garden, one of Stephen’s favourite places. My friend suggested it and it seemed a good idea. I going with my friend and meeting my two sons there.
I think it is going to be a difficult day. I am wondering whether having my friend there is going to make it difficult. It was so kind of her to offer to go with me, but I wonder whether we will feel comfortable to do all the remembering we will want to do.
I might find that I am continuing to not think and to just get through the day, still not believing he has gone.
