Young and Widowed

Hi Elle

I'm sorry you have had to find your way here, and its all so raw for you. I think many of us here can relate to withdrawing to care for our partners and some of us, me included, still working, although part time.

Your head will be everywhere, so just trying to get through each minute, hour and day is enough. Is there a funeral to plan? If so, this can distract you. Also the endless paperwork. I wrote a list of everyone I had to contact and then just did one at a time. I did a fair bit online because I had such difficulty saying the words My husband died.still do, after nearly 8 months. 

Lost and lonely is exactly how it feels, cry as and when you need to. Do you have family nearby? Do draw on anyone you can for support. 

There is also WAY that you can join. That is Widowed and young, so its especially for people in your position. Jm in the sister group, Way Up which is for people who are a bit older.

We are a lovely bunch here and you can say what you want without judgement, knowing that we all get it.

Big hug for you, keep talking.

Hi,

Thank you so much for replying to me.

I unfortunately don’t have much family left, most of them have passed away too over the years, which definitely adds to the isolation I’m feeling. I have a meeting with some funeral directors on Monday and can’t really organise much more until then, so I’m stuck over the weekend with nothing but my thoughts.

I’ve looked into WAY and have signed up but you need an access code which is sent in the post in order to complete the registration, I’m finding being at home with all of his belongings way too difficult so I’ve not been back since he passed. 

I’ve seen you comment on a lot of different threads and although I don’t know you I’m sure your husband is proud of how you’ve managed to be there for so many people.

Nights seem to be the worse when everyone around you is asleep and you’re stuck in a cycle of your thoughts. Do you have any tips to switch off? I’ve only managed a couple of hours over the past few days.

Elle x

Hello Elle

So sorry for your loss and at such a young age. What you are saying about feeling alone in a room full of people sounds just about right. I think we have all been there and think some of us still are. This all very early days for you just now and everything will be feeling very raw for you and your head will be all over place experiencing so many emotions. It may even not feel real for you as if it is happening to someone else and you are standing watching it. I know that is how it was for me at the very beginning I just felt as though I was watching it happen to someone else but it was me. I am 3 years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer this coming month (June). Just lean on as many people as you can for now and just accept all offers of help and support offered and come here when you feel you need to because we all `get it` when you maybe feel no one around you does and we are all a good support for one another as we are all going through this horrible journey. My best wishes to you and Take Care of yourself. 

Vicky. 

Hi again,

You mentioned not being at home so are you staying with a friend? 

I didnt realise WAY send codes by post, I guess its a security thing. Certainly in WAY up, i had to send a photo of the death certificate, it might feel intrusive but they want to protect the environment for the people who use it. 

i still find nights hard. Sometimes I take Kalms and they help a bit. I know some use Magnesium as that is also supposed to help. The usual things may help, like not having tv or  games etc on a phone before hand, a relaxing bath, a warm drink if you like one, I still have Horlucks most nights, meditations or mindfulness if thats your type of thing. I found tapping can help with anxiety but you do have to do it often for it to work. I would probably avoid getting sleeping tablets or resorting to alcohol(( i dont drink so that isnt a problem for me but it can be for others)

I bought myself a beautiful journal as someone recommended journalling for those days when you are alone with your thoughts. I have yet to use it but think I will at some point.

When you are ready, look at grief or bereavement groups in your area, often they are linked to a hospice if you were linked to one. Its not for everyone, I tried all sorts in the early days to get me out of the house but you eventually settle to the things that help the most.

thankyou for your kind words. I wish I had found and used these forums more when I felt so lonely being a full time carer living ( existing) in our living room, watching my husband, best friend, soul mate slowly (or quickly) deteriorating bit by bit. So even if one person is helped by anything I can say or do, then its worth it and Im sure we all feel the same.

X

Hello Elle, that is so very Cruel to lose your Husband so young. I really am so Sorry that you are going through this at a time when you should be enjoying so much together. I was caring for my Husband for most of our marriage for such a long time ,It started with a bad injury at work when he was only 23 years old. The injury was actually to his Pelvis ,but it threw his spine out and caused chronic pain  and eventually crumbling if the spine. It wasn't diagnosed for over 20 years. And then no Consultant / surgeon would recommend or perform surgery because of the risks. So he took Morphine for years ,then Fentanil when the pain becomes ame worse.  He had to live with  Chronic pain for the rest of his life. This impacted on the rest of his health in so many ways .  His Lungs were bad from very young and he had Asthma .He also started with Heart problems which early diagnosis prevented what could have been a much earlier death. As the years went by he gathered more health problems ,I won't go into all of that. It was his Lungs and Heart that actually took him in the end.                    As for not sleeping ,that is much needed to help us get through the very worst days just after our loss. I barely had many hours of sleep and was exhausted. I also ate very little. I didn't go to the Doctor's until 3 + months had past . Please don't wait that long. Ask your Doctor for some sleeping tablets ,you need your sleep to help you get through the day. . Also try and eat well even if it's only snacks here and then when you feel like nibbling on something tasty. Drink plenty. You need all your strength to get through what lies ahead with all the paperwork involved. Had anyone mentioned the "Tell us once " You can inform the people who need to know when registering the Death . ( I hate even writing that ,preferring to use Loss ,passing etc. ) The registrar will hopefully have suggested that to you. I hope you have at least one person who can help you with the necessary things we have to do initially. Write a list of everyone else you need to inform. Banks ,car insurance , tax  , even TV license 

the list seems endless. if not in your name . Then you can tick off each thing you have completed and keep it to refer back to. I forgot a few until much later ,as we were in the process of selling and moving house. It's going to be difficult for you  having lost so many family members already. I hope you have a supporting friend or two to help you. Have a look at "What's your grief " online .they have a lot of helpful advice Podcasts etc. Run by two younger widows who you might be able to relate to . You might be feeling Numb just now. Even though our most Precious person was ill for a long time It is still a shock when we lose them. And our Brain tries to protect us from the onslaught of grief which can affect us in many ways. I was functioning  on Auto pilot for at least 6 months. Before it really hit me. I still shed buckets of tears ,some people say they don't at first. You will be knocked over by various Emotions many of which we the one left behind seem to be common among us. But those who haven't experienced such a significant loss cannot understand the intensity of. I listen to a lot of Podcasts which have been helpful. Karen Sutton is good. You will find many others. To help me sleep I have listened to sleep hypnosis on You tube. if they don't work I now listen to something a bit boring. Like facts on Animals . These can eventually send me off for a few hours. I hope some of these suggestions have been helpful  Thinking of you in your most difficult time. Cx