This day 4 years ago

Thank you fifinet.  I'm 6 months down this horrible line and your post helped a little on a day when I'm feeling like a complete failure.  I had to give my notice to work yesterday.   I'm so hopeless I can't get the strength for it.  

He was so proud of me.  But I feel like I can't do it for him.

I hope I can hold on like you say.  Sending love.

Hello From your fellow Glaswegian/Scottish Person.

Lovely to hear from you its been a while. Thinking of you today. I am just weeks away from Jay's anniversary of his passing (his 3rd) and what you have written I can relate to I still get the waves of grief especially around this time. I have found I am sort of drawing into myself again but like you I have `Jack` my little dog for comfort. This happened last year and I took a really bad bout of depression through June into July but hopefully things won't be intense this time because as you say I am now learning to live with grief still hurts but has mellowed slightly and will probably always have those little incidents. Nice to hear from you. Take Care.

Vicky x

I can only imagine how you must have struggled to go into work after this your greatest loss. As I've said before in my comments I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to hold it together . You have to do what's right for you and you tried your best . And obviously it's all got too much . Putting on a brave face . Trying to concentrate on doing your job well whatever you were doing. You are not a Failure. You will find something else to focus on  . May even be able to do some job working from home. Have you had some counselling yet ? I had some and it did help to talk  but then time is up and you are left to find something else that helps. A project ,a new  Hobby or pick up something you used to do and enjoy.

 Try find a group to join. Exercise like Aerobics or yoga . Which I'm trying. I would like to do Tai Chi.  Not got so far as looking for a class. Have got podcasts with exercises on which I haven't made time to do yet. Starting a project in the back "garden " it's nothing but pebbles at the moment. . This is a very difficult chapter in our story and it's going to take some time for us to learn how to cope better and carry this grief , while trying to take the next steps to make better changes. 

You have survived 4 years in a different Country. You appear have done so well. We went to Spain for my Husband's health in 2002. And it did help him greatly. The Climate helped with his Asthma . He lost 11 stone in weight . He was able walk a little further . And he was so much happier. I started rescuing dogs and would rehabilitate ,treat and find good homes for them. We became Grandparents in the August of 2002 . I became depressed at not being able to see our Beautiful granddaughter growing up. Then after 2 years her little Brother came along. I would go back to stay with them every 3-4 months. Sometimes my Hubby would come as well . After a few years we saved up for a static caravan so we could stay in the UK for the Summer and spend more time with them. The journey by car and ferry took it's Toll. My Hubby' s health started to deteriorated and I wanted to stay in the UK . So we sold the House eventually and lived in the caravan for 3 years. I couldn't have stayed there if he had died while we were living there. I do feel sad that he wasn't so happy when we came back  . It's a year since my Hubby passed away. I am still struggling. You appear to be getting somewhere in finding a way to cope alone. I can't imagine getting to that point  But hopefully I will also learn to carry this grief in a different way and it will feel less painful. I can only take one day at a time and try to focus on achieving something each day . Some days are a bit better than others. Good for you staying in France and appearing to at least enjoy your life there to some degree. It gives us some hope that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. Cx 

Hi Breton  I tried a one hour call with Cruse and they were very nice and very sympathetic but not much help really.  I was thinking maybe I need to see someone face to face.  But I just don't know who the best person is to contact.  My gp just says oh just ask around.  

I've been trying to keep up with a couple of hobbies - I like cross stitch and embroidery and crochet.  I'm not that good at them right enough but it keeps my mind on one thing.  Otherwise it just runs off to horrible things like how do I spend the next 20 or 30 years without him. 

I do need to try some of the podcasts.  I watched a lot of 'the Grief Table' with Jamie Herzog, and those are very good.

1. I haven't seen "The grief Table "  will take a look. But I much prefer to listen to a Lady widow. I got a lovely Lady with Cruse. Called Karen. She asked the right questions and was quite upbeat. But the calls are only for 6 weeks which soon pass ,then what do we do ?. I had to wait 6 months before the calls began. I wonder if there is a reason for that. I have the things for crochet ,but still never got round to learning. I also have a lot of cross stitch ,some part done. I bought them over 10 years ago ,thinking I would be at a loss what to do when we moved to Spain,but found there was plenty to do. I know what you mean about the thoughts about the future. I'm 68 years old and to me the years ahead look bleak without my soulmate. Even trying to distract from the continuous thoughts of what we might have been doing now. Or the past do not stop when I keep busy. My hands can be busy ,but the brain won't always shut off. I know we have to keep on processing what's happened and the finality ,but it is so upsetting and exhausting. I was told about a couple of meeting places for bereavement groups ,but I haven't felt up to going. One is about 20 mins. away at a Church cafe. The other at a Pub up the road. I don't want to go in a Pub and discuss my feelings and what happened. A Lady I see at the Park with her dog has started going and said she would meet me outside. She said they have a laugh . I have found very little that makes me even smile ,never mind laugh . What a Misery I am now. It's just Horrible. Your Doctor doesn't sound like much help. Type in Bereavement groups near me and something might come up. You might be able to join and it could help speaking with others who are going through the same / similar experience . Hah! not sure that describes it well. But we do need to talk . And get some of these thoughts out of our head. I think Malengwa would like to arrange a meet up somewhere ,sometimes. Not sure how that would work ,but it would be cheaper than these organised retreats we have seen with Karen Sutton costing over £1,000 each. As we seem to be spread out throughout the Country it would need to be somewhere central.  

So sorry you needed to hand in your notice. That must have been hard. Ive struggled with work too but just really hope it improves because I used to love my job so hope I will again. Youre not a failure, youre grieving, I know I have to tell myself that too!

Breton, i did tai chi for many years but cant find a class I can get to. I cant really manage yoga because I cant get to the floor and up again. I find groups hard especially if they are big or loud. For now Im sticking to small groups of people. 

Yoga is harder than I remember from my Teens. The class was just starting up when my sister and I started going. The young Lady had a class in another village. This one only had 4- 5 people at first and is now up to 10. But we all hit and miss weeks due to holidays, car probs. Work commitments for some. etc. Of course yoga is a quiet activity ,but the hall though a good size is getting a bit crowded. I only go when my sister can make it. I should push myself to go alone . We often fall / roll over when asked to balance. We need to practice more at home. It's the only place I go besides doing the shopping and walking the dogs. It's enough for now . As I'm still trying to sort through boxes and de- clutter. Also hope to make a start in the back garden soon. 

Don't give up on Cruse yet. Maybe the 1st call didn't feel like it helped ,but it might get better as you might feel more like opening up to someone new. They probably find it difficult knowing what to say with someone new. Some may be more experienced than others. I could have carried on with the Lovely Lady I spoke with ,but 6 times is the allotted time. She did say if I was still struggling to ask again, but I have tried to cope myself. I usually felt better after a call ,having unburdened my thoughts and feelings. Just go with it for now ,the weeks soon pass anyway. Then see if there is something else you want to try. I think maybe we have to pay for other counsellors which can be between £40-60 I've seen. Nobody is really going to fix us. We have to go through this and try come to terms with it ourselves and find different ways that help us. Cx 

If you are ok on zoom and in a group, look at the Loss foundation. They do group sessions for various groups eg liss of partner to cancer at 50+, loss of parent etc. They are facilitated so its not a free for all and you dont have to say anything apart from to introduce yourself. I have been to a couple and recently joined a bubble, which is the same group of people over 4 sessions. Whilst Im waiting for counselling, I find it helpful as many of us are muddling through the same things. They do do other things like meets but they are too far south for me. I suppose it feels a bit like us here but in spoken rather than written.

I used to cross stitch and have some beautiful ones in a cupbiard undone for years. My eyesight is not as good as it was so Im not sure i could do it now, maybe when I retire.