The 30 th May is one day I will never forget. Answering the phone in the middle of the night to say that the situation was now serious. Barry died that morning after. On auto pilot I get to the hospital but there he was, but not. I hadn't managed to say goodbye. I think the first year was definitely the worst. Coping alone in a foreign country and no relatives. We came to France in 2000 and had many happy times. No regrets either. At least we did it.
The second year was tough too, dealing with French admin and living alone again. Luckily I quite like being on my own and this hasn't been a problem. I have a wide network of friends and good neighbours which helped However people tended to fall away after the initial time. They don't know what to say or do. The ones that stayed and cared are the true ones.
The third and fourth years have been the strengthening years. Ones that followed lead me to where I am today. Much wiser. The stages of grief are mellowing out. The anger that he had gone, the guilt why wasn't I there at the last moments, the overwhelming sadness of it all and the extreme fatigue sometimes comes over me and is overwhelming. Now I know how to handle it better I lock the door and find refuge in my little cat Missy, soft music and let it pass It will I used not be able or want to ask for help. A proud Scot ! Now I do ask and usually it is with kindness and sympathy that they know how to help Even for small things . Technical issues with the computer for instance that Barry always did ! Mind you even that I have learned how to do things. Not so helpless.
Future projects too are on the cards this year Renovations in my house and a project to take Barry's work as photographer back home to Glasgow . For archives and exhibitions on our native city.
For those who are going through a time today too . I understand and just think baby steps. One day at a time . Everything must change. You will be fine. Hold on. This forum really helped me. Thank you.
