Podcasts with Karen Sutton. My Husband died- now what ?

It's not getting better for me either. I don't see anyone for days sometimes and the loneliness is getting harder to bear. I try to contact people but they're all too busy to see me or even chat. I feel like a social outcast. Wish I knew what to do to find some purpose in life, but I'm at a loss. I'll try those podcasts. I've tried others but it's not the same as having someone who cares is it? This has been a very bad day, the worst for a while. However are we meant to live like this? 

Yesterday, was horrendous and I was very angry, and shouted at our son. I was missing my husband, and felt this rage come over me. I haven’t been sleeping well, and my coping skills were reduced. Today, I forced myself to go out, as I was feeling really low. One of my visits was to the library, to get some new books. Apparently, I had a fine of £12, which I had not paid. I thought I had. When the lovely lady mentioned it, I burst into tears, and told her my husband had died. She offered me a box of tissues, and was very kind. For some reason, it really helped. Perhaps, it was the validation of grief. I have just slept for three hours, and feel a bit more human. Our lovely son, has accepted my apology. Hugs to all. Kate.xxx

I think if just one person is kind and tries to understand it makes a real difference. I'm hurt and shocked that so many people seem to think I'm fine after just six months. That feels heartless and insensitive. These bad days seem to come out of nowhere; they drag you right down. Let's hope we all feel a bit better soon xx

I do read her weekly email and Ive listened to some of her podcasts. I dont think im making much progress at the moment. I am busy, I am going out, but its largely superficial and a way to be occupied. Whether new friendships will grow, I dont know. 

I find the same, spirit, with everyone being busy, ive tried 3 times to meet one friend but shes cancelled every time. I know it cant be helped as she is caring for a poorly mum which I do understand, it just brings me down again when I had something to look forward to. Then I feel bad for feeling like that. 

And so it goes on. 

I find this too.  Im at 6 months and my own family have been great.  But people like the gp.  I don't think they get it at all.  I asked them to change my tablets as the one I had made me groggy and they've just sent me a text message saying this has been changed for something that I know is much stronger and is used for psychosis.  I just think they've got the wrong idea completely.

Maybe its my explanation of it all right enough ha 

No it's not the same as actually speaking to someone . My son looks at me strange when he hears the podcasts I listen to. But at the moment it's the only thing that's really helping me cope , and understand that the  overwhelming emotions that come over me are normal when we have lost someone we love so very much. It' s obvious that Karen has really been through the same and similar . And tells us what to expect. I keep flitting from one chore /Project to another . Constantly thing of my Hubby. Wishing so much I could turn the clock back and do things differently now i have more knowledge of what  signs I must have missed . Hopefully we can arrange to meet up and share our worries. I too have had some Horrible days lately. Sometimes I don't even want to go to sleep cos' I know I'm going have the same dreams over and over when my brain is trying to make sense of whats happened and change the outcome . I also found a thing I listen to on You tube . To help me get some sleep . " The Science of letting go : relaxing facts to fall asleep to -no ads, It's late so i'm going to try it again . I hope you all get a decent few hours sleep. 

My family haven't been quite as supportive as I would have hoped. But then some of my sisters never really have been. Only my elder sister ,even though she doesn't really want to talk about it. My sons and grandchildren never talk about my Hubby , Only I mention him. And then I have to try stop myself falling apart in front of anyone. It doesn't help keeping all this stuck inside our heads. I really want to scream sometimes . I do regularly in the car and cry while I'm driving. I have to be so careful about screaming in the house. My neighbours don't know what's happened and that is better for me , so nobody needs to avoid me . Or pity me .   

I dont find family helpful except my daughter who is really missing her dad. The others are a bit just get on with it and stop moping about. Dad, i can understand, hes of that generation, but he still lost mum in his 80s. 

Todays Ive had to go the dr twice as they couldnt coordinate my appts. I jabbed a rusy hoe into my hand so need a tetanus boost. My newly lined pond has turned into pea soup, quite normal when you have to use tap water, so some barley straw is in order I think. 

Its weird but I have never once knowingly dreamed about Tony, I dont know why. I wish I did sometimes. But then I dont sleep well, 2 hour bursts usually.

Work has also been so busy so Im proper exhausted.   

Hope youre all having marginally better days today. 

Its been a while i know … sometimes found it better for me not to not to get too involed and keep a distance but thats me trying to cope manage it! One year and almost two weeks since my husband passed away. My weekly grief counselling calls ended back in April and all i can think of is i was taught coping stratgies etc and really helped really listened to and encouraged and supported and now this has finished im trying my hardest! It’s not working for me but recently two people I work with said in different conversations they are in awe of me ??? On the outside we look strong and pretend but they really dont know what we are going through do they ? They think i have turned my life around from where i was!!’ 

It’s the ‘Mask’ we have to wear, to be socially acceptable. I find it hysterical, in a dark humour way. They wouldn’t be able to cope, if we actually unloaded the horror.