Cant sleep ,km cuddling lindseys teddy trying to think of a good memorys ,but all i keep thinking about was that last day with her...the swabs came out to wet her mouth ,she was so restless that the district nurses came out every hour to give her levomapromazine .she was so scared scared because she knew she was going to die.somehow half n hour before she passed away i brought our cat in and she picked her up even thought lindsey was so weak .she wasnt making much sence when she talked,but everytime i said i love you lindsey she knew it was me and she said love you more .when she passed away ,i remember thinking sod this i am going too get in to bed and have a cuddle with my wife ,i put the sheet over us and holded her hand and talk to her and kissed her ,i could have stayed there all night ,but the nurses said peter they have too come and take lindsey and it was 1am and i said can i have til 6am to stay with her but i only had another hour and a half .i have so many good memorys but i keep tryin too think of the good memorys but i just cant stop thinking about them last few hours with her ...before lindsey got ill she use to say peter if you try not too think about somethink that you dont want to think about ,the chances are your gonna think about it ,so just think about it and try not too look too far or try too hard not too think about it ,if that makes sense ..i remember everyone trying to calm her down and the only person she would listen too was me ,.she was so strong so brave so beautuful she was my wife and i loved her more than anything ,it hurts so much when i have no control over the thoughts that pop in my head of that last day ......lindsey if your reading this i love you and even tho we where together ten years we spent so much time together that it felt like a hundred years of happiness ,i will love you always and forever .i dont want to live in this world at times,but when my daughter your daughter in law comes to our door one day i have too be there to answer it ..if i didnt have mollie id jump off a bridge tomoro but mollie needs me but i want too be with you lover in heaven but if im not there to answer the door when mollie comes back one day then mollie will have to go through the pain of losing someone she loves and i could never forgive myself and i know you would want me too wait for her...im not looking forward to spending xmas on my own which i will be be because i have no family or anyones place i can go to im not looking forward to our birthdays in july .yours on 13th mine on 11th ....i hate not physically being with you everyday ...but i have to wait for mollie .everyday feels like a knife in my heart ...without you around anymore ,but i know you and you know me so well that if i talk to you i know what you would say back ,so even thought im alone im not alone cause your voice is in my head and our hearts are two hearts as one ...its just that image in my head of that last day which is very graphic in my head and its not as easy to say try replace it with a good memory ......my thoughts go out to anybody who has lost someone as hard as it is for me i know everyone on here is struggling and its so heartbreaking and each second of the day is harder and harder i do think about everyone on here and i care alot about people i will always listen or feel free to inbox me .life is cruel and i get so angrry why this awful diesease takes away the ones we love the people that mean the world to us take care everyone...ps sorry if my spelling is poor or wording isnt the best but i care and just want the same as everyone i just want the love of my life back ....i hope i see my wife in my dreams tonight peace and love too you all xxx
