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Since we told the children they have bounced back to their normal way of life but they are more clingy. After years of not wanting cuddles my eldest is cuddling me on and off all day and my little girl wants to sit close to me lots. She has been drawing me pictures telling me she loves me.
Thankfully the twins are too young to understand and they are expecting me to be me, this distracts me and helps me to forget, for a short while.
It is scary being forced to face your own mortality at a young age...
I came home yesterday, not really sure I wanted to but I did all at the same time.
Coming home meant I really had to accept my lot, I had to continue my life but as a cancer patient.
Coming home meant we had to tell the children.
How do you tell your children something like this?
Our beautiful children. I am going to break their hearts.
I wish I didn't have to do it.
Within minutes of being home the boys insisted on a breastfeed, I love feeding them and I know that I have to stop. Chemo and breastfeeding...
Today my nemesis got a name.
I have bladder cancer. I am highly unusual apparently, normally men over 50 who smoke get it. Go me! I always like to be individual.
I will have to start chemo next week and fairly aggressive chemo at that. We sat in the office, my husband and I, with two nurses, one doctor and a consultant. It was exactly like you see on the telly complete with dramatic breakdown of patient and patients partner. We clung onto each other and sobbed.
We went outside and sat in the sunshine...
I was allowed home on day release on Sunday. It was wonderful, home cooked food (who manages to survive on nhs food?) and most importantly cuddles with my with babies.
I breastfed them. It was relaxing and Affirming. I slept in our bed and had sleepy cuddles with them.
Yesterday I came back to hospital to be seen by the pain team. Or not as it turned out. Too busy to see me I guess. So another day wasted, who knows how many of those I have? I should be spending as many as possible with my beautiful...
I am sitting here at 3am rolling around in pain as per. I have taken everything I can. I just have to manage.
So I am watching Brad Pitt because I figure if I am in pain he at least might make me smile?
They want to help. The nurses are caring and understanding but I am angry. Angry that I have this thing, angry it wasn't found sooner and angry that I wanted it to be someone else. I wanted someone to have this pain, this uncertainty and this Hell.
Yesterday I started telling people. Hardest thing...
Hi, yesterday I got the worst news. The news no one wants to hear in their 30s. I have cancer. I am a mum to four children, Inc a set of 19 month old twin boys. How has this happened to me? I did what I expect most people do in my position. Cry. A lot. My face is sore today.
My wonderful husband has taken the news with great dignity I think, not like me. My parents had mixed reactions too.
I can't keep things this massive in.
I am a talker. So. I think I will talk my way through this. It...
I love you Sarah – and I choose to live…
I’m quite a private person but I’m sharing something personal to me. Why? Because all too often we just exist – we put off what we want to do or what we want to say. Don’t.
We all have a choice – I choose to live life in memory of my fabulous sister and live it to the full…it’s here to be enjoyed.
I’m living. But I’m not really. I am simply existing.
I am doing what is required to get through...
Well this is a turn up, and very stressfull,i had my scan ,blood tests at the royal marsden 1st may, 6 weeks after my preop scan and three. Weeks after my op
well the scan came up with the best results my consultant had hoped for, yes still two growing nodules/lessions/tumors in my left lung, but still small
and clear right, and two decreased tumor markers, we discussed the st barts option and i was advidsed to hold off.
they wanted to look at RFA with there new shiny toy at chelsea, so i waited
...
Recently I had to fancy dress a book character and apart from the obvious fairy tales I thought of the wig days and then chose to be Bridget Jones...
You look at me like I have changed,
It wasn’t my intention,
They said I’d die,
But that’s a lie,
And something you can’t mention…
You look, but then you look away,
Is this a real bad hair day?
The style's not swell,
I don't feel well,
More core than disarray....
I’d sit a rabbit on my head,
At least I...
We have had a good start to our week, we had our MRI results which showed Kee's tumour is stable and has shrunk, her eyes have improved, but aren't perfect. But we got the ok to go to disney so we have booked for all 6 of us to go in June and we are looking forward to that, fingers crossed things stay as they are so we can enjoy it properly.
I now also feel so selfish for feeling overwhelmed when she is the one going through this dreadful disease and these awful medications, but having 4...
