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The Ultrasound endoscopy coincided with my having to do a 300 mile round trip later that afternoon to pick up my children - so, even though anaesthetic was offered, I opted for a liberal throat spray which meant I could drive straight afterwards... Though the ultrasound tube was a little thicker than the normal jobby, there was nowhere near the hideous discomfort of the biopsy... though Dr Jones was in there looking around and taking measurements for quite a bit longer... so... if you've been through...
Wednesday 4th January.
Today has been a day of passing time, I made a huge pan of vegetable soup and some bread this morning just to keep me busy. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my oncologist, I really want to go, but I really don't want to go at the same time.
I lost my Mum ten years ago but I've been thinking about her all day today, I know if she was still here that I would feel calmer. I'm always the 'mother' the sorter outer, the organiser, but she was my mother, my sorter outer...
15 Dec 2016
I am not physically homeless. I am lucky. I have a roof over my head and can afford heating and lighting. The streets around me are not being shelled or bombed.
Emotionally, though? I have no home any more. I never realised until now how much that sense of security depended on your presence. I can't find any peace in this house, but neither is it to be found in my parents' house or a friend's house or the hotel room I retreated to desperately at one point, or anywhere else....
8 Dec 2016
Read the f***ing manual, for the non-geeks reading.
I have a long-standing tendency to want to Get Things Right, a legacy of being a 'bright child' rewarded for exam performance who grew into an overeducated adult rewarded for solving other people's problems.
So grieving is no different. I want to Do It Properly. Not make mistakes. Get it right first time, so I don't have to do it again. I have been reading the books and Googling in search of enlightenment. But I do not recognise...
6 Dec 2016
I gave away his food today.
Not all of it. I kept the bottles of truffle oil. I remember him opening the package in his bed, smelling the white and the black in turn, delighted at the thought of me finishing risottos off with a flourish even though we both knew (but did not acknowledge) he wouldn't be eating them with me.
But I gave away the soup, the unopened packets of biscuits, even his beloved Marmite. And the walnuts. He was going to make me a Ligurian walnut sauce. He asked me...
5 Dec 2016
I have used Macmillan since the very early days but never before felt the need to write a blog. Partly, I think, I was just too busy being a carer as well as a wife, worker, friend, daughter, volunteer, person. Partly it feels more egocentric than the occasional posting - who am I to think my experience is of any interest or use to anyone else? Partly I suspected that if I blogged I would be more pungent and honest and unsaintly than in my postings, and I didn't necessarily want him to...
So it appears that I've developed a cancerous lump at the bottom on my gullet next to the stomach valve which is likely to require surgery....
The CAT scan appeared (I'm using the word appears a lot here as very little appears to be concise at this stage!) to show that the lump had gone through all 4 esophageal walls and highlighted some swollen lymph nodes - meaning that it might have spread using the lymphatic system as a conduit... there was also a grey area in my bowel (isn't there always...
The appointment for the Endoscopy came through quite quickly and I was sitting in the waiting room at Telford within 2 weeks...
All the vital signs checked out so no excuses and in I went.... I opted for the throat spray rather than the anaesthetic... Just to avoid hanging around and feeling woozy... Didn't even have to take my shirt off!
Big mistake! If you need to have this investigation and you think there is a chance that the nurse on the end of the pipe is likely to have to chop bits...
Hi... I'm a 53 year old male who's suffered from over acidity for years... That was happy under control with a daily dose of Omeprazole until around Sept '16 when I noticed the old acid burning problem coming back... I went to see my local Daktari who doubled the dose of Omeprazole "and come back in a month"... Well here I am on this blog now so it clearly didn't solve the issue and also during that month I started having a real problem with swallowing so I was shipped off for an Endoscopy in Telford...
Monday 2nd January 2017
Today has been another better day, I feel more positive about the future. I feel a bit mean but I'm pleased the festivities are over so now I can concentrate on the next stage of treatment without feeling guilty about spoiling things for everyone.
Today was good because I had to get up and get organised as our holiday makers were leaving and we had the accommodations to clean and laundry to do. My husband said he'd do it, but although he's very good and it was so...
