I had cancer when I was younger, I had it removed, didn't need chemotherapy etc and 15years later I'm here, no recurrence, surgical warrior scar and all.
I moved on, we didn't have support like this. We didn't have internet, coping mechanisms, we just had to carry on, forget about the past, put it in a box- mark it do not open. So my mother did her best, my family did their best. I put my feelings in a box, i put my pain in box, my anger in a box.
But 15years later, I have a boyfriend, whose brother gets diagnosed with the same cancer I had, his journeys different, the path harder to walk, he battled through chemo, he lived his life proud, he inspired many people, he loved more than most. My box started to degrade, my buried feelings escaped slowly, I cannot acknowledge them, must put others first, my anxiety grew, the pain returned, my empathy intensified for you.
I got lost on my path, when he died. You lost a brother, I lost my mind. In my desperation to love you, I smothered you with what I thought was care. It's not what you wanted, I thought I should share the pain. It's not about us, you said I made this about me. I'm sorry in grief I just couldn't see.
I opened the box and it all just came out. It all got too much and Now I see, there's room in the box, is that box for me? I'll fill it with love, with happy memories, I'll fill it with magic and possibilities, I'll make you proud, I swear every day, but just for just now, I have to deal with me. I hope it's not too late, I hope you forgive me, I'll be here in the box, I pray you find me x
