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Poem 04 ...or this?
Kidnapped by Isis...or this
No touch Ebola...or this
Laying children on the side of the road and running away...or this
Gang raped, family rejected...damaged...or this
Bombed, tortured, disappeared by my government...or this
Aids, cholera, malaria, not even a paracetamol, bloodstained bed 'clinic'...or this
Earthquaked
Cyclone swept
Mud slid
Tsunami hit (mama's room)...or this
Under five in Somali...or this
No choice no opportunity...
My father (who is in my photo box) passed away from cancer in May 2009 my good friend died of cancer four months later, my Aunty died August 2015 and so I thought I had, had my fair share of pain, to see my loved ones suffer that wretched disease was more than I could bare.....but I am back on that battlefield, my partner and soulmate age 52 years, has primary liver cancer which has metestatsised to many areas in his body.......I am broken, I am heart broken. Never have I felt helplessness like...
Every day now he asks, "what is wrong with me"? The answer is always the same. Well, you have a brain tumour and bladder cancer which makes you lose a lot of blood through your urine. This has made you weak. You are also not able to eat normally so have lost a little weight. Dad acknowledges the explaination and remains thoughtful. One day he responded with "well that sounds......."(pauses). I knew what he was going to say. "That sounds like I`m at the end of life", he says while not actually looking...
After going through 3 courses of chemotherapy treatments for mesothelioma I have been told that because of reducing effect of chemo on disease & possibility of kidney damage nothing more can be done. I now discover that if I happen to have approx. £100.000 spare I may have the chance of another year by having treatment available privately but not on NHS. Having not been able too claim any compensation this is not possible .At present this treatment is not available on NHS due to costs ...
Sedated now, with syringe driver being fitted.
Got his favourite iTunes playlist of Welsh stuff playing ...... Tom Jones, Stereophonics, Goldie Looking Chain. Was wondering if I would ever be able to play this again, maybe not after today. Picturing him in the sitting room, singing along and whistling in the way that used to drive me mad.
Oh my love.
Second night in the hospice, and this time I am staying over. Got back at about 10am after a rotten night and early morning at home. Pete was ok early on, managed to have some conversation, but later in the day he lapsed into sleep and pretty much stayed there. He managed to watch about 5 minutes of the Ireland-Italy match, but wanted the set off before Wales came on. He couldn't operate the remote control which was always his domain.
Oh my gosh why didn't any any tell us about chemo farts.... while most are not death defying deadly, the gas emissions in the house have definitely gone up significantly, including noise levels. I'm sure the green house gases can be attributed in part the increased healthy diet with lots more vegetables although I'm sure the larger part is chemo treatment it's self.
Well I definitely hope so!
Last night I brought two of the dogs in. They behaved brilliantly, and Pete was pleased to see them. Took them home about 10 pm. Torn between having them here or not. If they are here, it means less focus on Pete, and there is only me, I can't simply ask someone else to walk them . If they are at home, at least my Mum can let them into the garden and my brother is arriving today to look after her, so he will also help with them, although he is not a doggy person. I miss them but I am not sure Pete...
never expected to be here this soon. Pete was desperate to get out of hospital, and the home care package couldn't be sorted quickly enough. Luckily the hospice have taken us in, huge room with natural daylight, peace and quiet, and lovely staff. Don't want to be here or in this situation, but as we have no choice, I think this is the best we can have.
Pete has not accepted that he is going to die, although he has accepted that he is very ill. He is a real fighter and will keep on till...
