never expected to be here this soon. Pete was desperate to get out of hospital, and the home care package couldn't be sorted quickly enough. Luckily the hospice have taken us in, huge room with natural daylight, peace and quiet, and lovely staff. Don't want to be here or in this situation, but as we have no choice, I think this is the best we can have.
Pete has not accepted that he is going to die, although he has accepted that he is very ill. He is a real fighter and will keep on till the end. He is asleep more than not now, but peaceful and in no pain. I will bring the dogs in to see him later.
Strangely I feel less stressed now that I know it is going to be soon. Since December when his brain metastases were diagnosed, it has been an exhausting grind, one step forward and six back. Fear and uncertainty, worry and grief, remorseless and unrelenting. Now the worry, uncertainty and fear are gone, replaced by intense sadness, but also a degree of calm.
And yet ..... every couple of hours it hits me again. THIS CANNOT, MUST NOT BE HAPPENING TO US. We had so many plans, and I cannot believe that there won't be any more time together. We have just finished renovating our house and were going to do the garden this year. My lovely, gentle bear of a man won't be there, and I don't know if I can bear to stay, although my Mum has half the house and I think she is too old to move. No other ties to the area other than one friend who is also very ill with kidney cancer. At the moment if I think of going places we used to go together, the tears start.
I try to concentrate on being grateful for the time we've had, but at the moment all I can do is rage and cry that it is over. We promised each other 35 years together, was that too much to ask for?
