Last night I brought two of the dogs in. They behaved brilliantly, and Pete was pleased to see them. Took them home about 10 pm. Torn between having them here or not. If they are here, it means less focus on Pete, and there is only me, I can't simply ask someone else to walk them . If they are at home, at least my Mum can let them into the garden and my brother is arriving today to look after her, so he will also help with them, although he is not a doggy person. I miss them but I am not sure Pete really knows if they are here or not.
Sign of how bad he is, today is the England v Wales rugby match. Normally a huge day, beer and crisps or down the pub. No interest today. Very sad, rugby was so important to him.
Emotions today all over the place. Woke up at 4 am at home, started putting stuff away and furniture back where it should be. Stupid thing, had a real hysterical meltdown over putting his clothing away. Just the realisation that he will never wear it again. This is so bloody awful. I have no idea how to cope. Trying to stay in the moment, don't look ahead.
Calmer now, I am at the hospice with him. He is weaker again, voice a whisper, falls asleep mid-sentence. Can't want to prolong this, but feeling really panicky whenever I think what is coming. Try to remind myself that he had not been well since December, it has been a gradual slide until this latest catastrophic decline. The Pete I knew and adored has already gone to some extent.
Don't really know why I am posting this, perhaps I will look back some day and remind myself how bad things were at the end. For the moment it helps in a strange way.
