Hello.
I didn't want to do this but I have no other choice. My family is small and my dad can't help as he's a mess himself.
I was doing ok when I first found out about mum, I cried for a night and got on with my life the next day.
I got up went to the gym, went to work then went home and did all the normal things, clean cook, washing take the dog out.
Then she got colitis and was admitted to hospital, shes been there for over a week now and visiting her at the hospital has started to get to me. I'm angry ll the time, its not fair and I'm so so angry. Seeing my mum scared is probably the worst thing ever, if shes scared im scared.
I can just about concentrate at work, I feel myself becoming resentful towards my dad cause he cant drive in the dark at the moment so I have to do all the driving and he doesn't talk to me.
My mum was on immunotherapy but has had to stop now because the colitis is so bad so now what? I know Chemo wont work so now we have the ordeal of finding another drug that hopefully works and doesn't make her ill.
I guess until she got colitis I was still in denial about all of this, but seeing her in the hospital surrounded by all these other cancer patients just really pulls at your heart. I want to cry all the time and if I don't want to cry I am very angry and find it hard to hold my tongue.
I don't want her to know how sad I am because I have to stay strong for her, so when I go to the hospital I put my brave face on - crack jokes and act normal I guess. But inside I could break down and cry for hours.
Shes only 50, 50 years old!!! She had her whole life ahead of her and now we just don't know. That's the scary part the not knowing whats going to happen next.
I try and keep as busy a possible but as soon as im not busy the anger and sadness rears its nasty head.
I feel gulity for even writing this, its not about me its about my mum I shouldn't be asking for help. She needs the help more than anyone but I just feel like I have nobody to speak to that truly understands...
Is there anything anyone going through the similar thing can offrer to help me as I'm getting more angry as the days go on and going to the gym isn't helping anymore, I leave the gym angrier that when I arrived.
Hi and welcome to the online community
I'm very sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. As you have discovered having cancer doesn't only affect the person with it but the whole family as well as friends and it's no wonder that you're feeling angry with life at the moment.
I was diagnosed with stage 2a melanoma two and a half years ago and I've found this community to be invaluable. There are two groups that I think you would find useful in joining. The first is the melanoma group where you can discuss treatment with others who are under going immunotherapy and the second is the family and friends group where you can share your worries and discuss your emotions.
To join these groups just click on the links I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the pages that open. You can then respond to existing posts by selecting 'reply' and start your own by selecting 'start a discussion'.
When you have a minute it would be really useful if could pop something about your mum's journey into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
I'll perhaps see you over in the melanoma group.
x
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
