We are 10.months into a terminal diagnosis for my husband- stomach cancer. Don't know how much longer he will live. I love him to bits. I don't want him dead but I want this over. I feel like shit to be even thinking this.
Say hello to the carers paradox. We do everything in our power to provide care and comfort but there can be that tiny dark thought in the back of our minds that screams "ENOUGH!!!!!".
It's because we're human. We love the person we're caring for. We want them to live. We don't want them to suffer. We don't want them to become less than the person we fell in love with.
"I feel like shit to be even thinking this."
See above. ;-)
I think just about everybody here has, at some point (even if only to themselves), said pretty much the same thing. I know I can stick my hand up to this, even though I never verbalized it or wrote it down anywhere.
Don't let cancer become the wall between you and the person you fell in love with. Cancer is an insidious bastard that will do its utmost to come between the pair of you. Don't let it.
The man you fell in love with is still in there. He's just obscured by cancers bastardry and our own fears of the future.
Just love him as hard as you can, as much as you can for as long as you can.
Cancer may win the battle, but love will win the war.
I hope you find a better place.
Peace Ewen :-)
The day after your journey ends, the sun will still rise.
Panic, thank you for putting it into words. I am aware you lost your Margaret recently and wanted to acknowledge that. Being able to voice not wanting things to continue seems a tough one.....for me I know it is sometimes from my neediness or anxirty and fear of losing them, other times its about respecting them and their time to go and let go. I'm checking my partner in the night to see if he's still alive, what a head f@#k.
I'm doing mostly ok-ish. Much better than I anticipated in fact.
I see a grief counsellor regularly which is helping quite a bit. I see my beautiful grandchildren almost every day which is helping enormously. I remember my beloved wife constantly which is awesome.
I hope everyting is going as well as it can at your end. Glad you like my signature line. It's proved true so far. ;-)
Peace, Ewen :-)
The day after your journey ends, the sun will still rise.
So sorry to gear this. My mum has about 18 months has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. I'm her daughter of 52 mum is 72 . love her to bits and don't want to loose her.Can understand totally your thoughts.
Oh nelly the elephant it is an awful place to be. I understand the wanting it to be over but not wanting him dead. I experience this every day with dad. Dad is knocking 90 and well into the alzheimers journey which makes it seem much worse. Two years ago I stopped work to look after him with a view to him eventually going into a care home at some point. My wonderful boss said I could go back to work at any time..
Then 18 months ago we got the bombshell that he has terminal cancer (oesophageal) and they could not treat him due to frailty and his dementia. He got a stent and we were referred to the hospice. My thoughts were 'Oh god he is dying' Scared the hell out of myself and decided to make his remaining time as nice as possible and keep him at home.
It's the up's and down's, weight loss, not eating, eating like a horse, appointments, now with a wheelchair, sleeping, not knowing he is ill, it just goes on and yes his latest scan showed that his cancer is now stable although he is still terminal.
So 18 months after diagnosis and we are at the same place we were then, knowing nothing.
He is a dear sweet man and I love him to bit's but I feel this is killing me and I do want this to be over.
I think feeling like shit is absolutely normal and my heart goes out to you. Sorry but all I can do is send you some virtual hugs.
