Scared and trying to keep it together

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Hi There,

My partner (37F) has just been diagnosed with a grade 3 TNBC. She's undergoing more tests to establish staging, we are trying to remain positive but they are already concerned about her lymph nodes and her tumour is growing larger and larger by the day. We should find out everything when we meet the oncologist on the 7th January, which means we face a Christmas of uncertainty.

We are determined to try and enjoy the holiday, if not for us then for our little boy (3), but I know she's terrified, I'm terrified, my heart breaks every single day, when I look at her or I look at my baby boy. I can't help but go to that place that everything might be a last, that I have no idea what to expect and that I'm powerless to protect my family.

I'm angry, not with her of course but just life, this was meant to be the year of holidays before our son started school, had to cancel a once in a lifetime cruise and another trip. We were looking forward to having more money and remodelling our house once nursery fees stopped next year and this year we were also hoping to get marries, now that future feels like its been stolen and in limbo and we are contacting the registry office for a quicker marriage because it's easier if she dies and I just hate all of it, it's not fair, but then I guess cancer isn't fair.

We've been both experiencing a lot of 'toxic positivity' I know it's that people don't know what to say and think they are being encouraging saying 'she'll beat this, treatments are so good now, we knew someone with BC and they beat it' but we don't even know if there's even a chance to beat it or if it's already spread to far, She's worried she will be letting people down if she can't beat it.

We have been talking and open with each other, I know my job is to support her, help her to understand things, ask questions she maybe doesn't feel brave to ask then support her in whatever she chooses. I just hope I can live up to that and be the rock she needs me to be. Our insurance provides access to counselling which I am keen to access if needed, I know I need to keep myself on an even keel to be able to support her and our boy.

Sorry more of a rant than anything else but I just needed to get that out.

Malengwa 1 month ago

Hi Doyle, waiting is so hard and your mind goes everywhere, of course its scary and uncertainty is awful.

My situation was that 2 years ago my husband was waiting for major cancer surgery (january) from which he may not have survived. So we made the best we could of that Christmas just in case.

He did make it through surgery ( just, after getting peneumonia in ICU).

Last year he had just been told the cancer had spread and he had 12-18 months. So we made that Christmas the best we could just in case.

This year I face my first Christmas without him ( he died in October) and we will once again make the best of it that we can.

Its good that you can be honest with each other as you face this unknown together. I lost count of how many people said they knew somone who was given such a prognosis and lived many years and of course that does happen, but equally there are those who live less than that and we dont know which we or our partner will be. We do our best to navigate the pain that this brings.

Cancer is s**t and is the great leveller because it doesnt care who you are or what your dreams are. Somehow you do find the strength to keep going because you have to. Especially having a young child who wont understand why mummy is sad today or why daddy is too tired to play.

For me, the hospice were fantastic as were my team at work. I was open with everyone because I knew I would need support and if people dont know, they cant help. I did ask and reach out, whether it was a shoulder to cry on or a lift to chemo or a meal cooked. Please do reach out to friends family neighbours, you will soon navigate the people who really do help and those that just say things but dont have the slightest clue what you are going through. Keep talking, both of you and acknowledge that you may both need to talk to someone else. Make small plans that are achievable once you have a better idea of how things are, and just enjoy what you have. Our world shrunk once Tony couldnt drive much any more as I dont. We found joy in small things.

Sorry for such a long post, I do tend to waffle but I hope you can enjoy some family time together despite the waiting which will always be in your minds.

src60 1 month ago

Hi Doyle295

Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.

I am Steve, one of the community champions and my expereince of cancer is via my wife who has Leiomysoarcoma, fortunately after chemotherapy they managed to render her cancer stable so we have been living with cancer now for about 10 years.

Something I found quite helpful was looking at Your feelings when someone has cancer as being able to recognize these feelings and accept them as normal and valid can help to make them a bit less overwehelming.

There was quite a good post here just recently Staying in the Present at Christmas - community blog that might be helpful.

As for ranting on here - feel free we are all here to help each other.

<<hugs>>

Steve

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