I guess I'm writing to vent and ramble as it seems to help others and I'm out of resources.
Me and my mum are at the end now. After two years of battling ovarian cancer she is no longer herself. No one says how much longer. My brother came back from abroad to help me and has been here for a month and a half of hell. Looking at her declining. She is taking Fentanyl for the pain but it's made her totally inadequate the last four days, because I had to up the dose after a phone call with her doctor, who didn't want to admit her. Upping the dose resulted in a lot of sleeplessness, nightmares, daydreaming and hallucinations and I feel very very guilty about it as I am the one that gave it to her.
When it started wearing off today she became herself again but the pain is starting and I can't seem to find a middleground. A smaller dose gives her visual hallucinations that she is adequate enough to be aware of. The higher one gives her a manic high and she hasn't slept for the past 36 hours. She is totally immobile so she makes us turn her in her bed every 3 minutes. And I think I'm about done. All my body is hurting. When she doesn't get her way she starts screaming (her voice is hoarse now from it) and starts beating her head and shaking back and forth and I don't know if I'll ever forget that picture. The doctors denied her a change in medication and I'm at a loss.
I love my mom. She gave her life up for us. My dad died when I was 9 and she raised us alone. She is only 49 years old and me and my brother are 26 and 23 and it's just too soon for all that I think. Everyone else has young kids and other things on their plate so it was mostly just us two until my brother showed up.
I am very tired of holding the responsibility for her life. She used to be very healthy and this is the first cancer in our family and I don't know what to do anymore. I am having all these thoughts about will I get sick... Is this why I was born. Simultaneously grieving our life together as I realize it will never be the same anymore and I don't see how I will manage.... All in all it's a complete shitshow.
I know there's nothing you all could say but thank you for listening anyways ... If you have similar experience or some suggestions I would love to hear those and thank you in advance.
Update: It has come to the conversation I dreaded. In her lucid state she told me last night to let her go, to stop fighting for her and that she wants to go already. The woman who has fought all her life and succeeded with everything she put her mind to. Directly afterwards she told me that she sees how hard it is for us and how when we get up after sleeping and are full of energy and in a few hours we get tired and moody and we start being short with her. (We never yell, we just huff and puff and ask why are we turning her again to which she has no answer just starts yelling and saying turn me turn me) And to top it off she said that in our place she would've done better and she never would've been short-tempered (not sure about that one as she's always had a short fuse) which made me feel yet again in my life that I am not good enough even after giving it my time, health and life.
For context - we want the best for our mum. She has a fear of abandonment so me and my brother look after her in shifts, we don't do anything else and we see to it that there's always someone awake with her. I go to bed at 21 00 and get up at 03 00 or 04 00, then he goes to bed at 05 00 and gets up at 12 00 and we keep on together. Next night - same thing. It has been going on for a month now and we are very tired. He has back problems and I have some pains in my body that have been getting worse. On bad days and nights we lift and turn her every minute literally. And that is taking a toll on us.
And yet again I should've been better and that is killing me.... She gave us the world and what did I do? I almost overdosed her and don't have enough patience....
Update #2: we are at the waiting and sleeping stage... I would take all the critique or insults in the world just to have a coherent conversation with her again.
