Hi all
its such early days for me. I do feel my husbands presence and I have little conversations with him as I go about my day, I smile as he replies with what I know he would reply with.
I’ve cried, but I hadn’t sobbed until today, my heart feels so heavy today.
i guess I didn’t allow myself to sob as I didn’t want to disappoint him by being so sad, but I know he will understand that I have got to go through all the stages to process my grief.
i have no guilt and a clear conscience as I cared for him and listened to what he wanted and which way he wanted to live with the cancer, his words ‘I’m living with cancer not dying from it, until I’m told otherwise’.
some might say he was in denial but he wasn’t, the negative was pushed to the back of his mind and he remained positive, it worked for us and it was the only way he could get through it.
i just wished all the family could of supported him which way he wanted to be supported but instead they abandoned him when he needed them most because he didn’t give in to their demands or behave in the way they wanted him to. It’s so sad that they could of had some wonderful memories with him if they had listened to him.
in his last few hours he asked for them, they turned up and were having a go at him, why didn’t you ring instead of texting you weren’t that poorly that you couldn’t use your phone.
he was scared of being rejected and didn’t want to be subjected to conflict as when he tried to reach out all he got was them wanting an argument. He wanted to keep his strength for the fight against the cancer.
I guess now, they have to deal with their own grief and conscience.
much love
