Moving on

Hi mark1968, im sorry to read about the death of your wife and wanted to say hello. Noone wants to be in this group but we find ourselves here. 

I lost my husband in October, to a rare but aggressive sarcoma. Tony was also my best friend, and apart from choir and work, we did everything together as well. Its so hard when thats the life you had and its ripped away from you, and suddenly you are alone and having to navigate this strange new world with the very person who should be walking with you. 

Have you had a funeral yet? Once that is over, it can feel so bad as your energy has been taken up with that. 

I am still very much learning, as are most of us. Take any support offered by friends or family, and be prepared to ask for it ( I find asking so hard). Take one step at a time. If you cant face anything one day, dont. Try not to be hard on yourself, not easy I know. Cry when you need to, every day in my case. I try to go out but I find some groups too big as Im really quite shy. 

Its ok to be struggling, but is there someone you can talk to? Any bereavement group in your area? You might want to think about joining Way up, this is online group just for the widowed and they do meet ups around the country, sadly none in my area. Connecting with others who understand can be really helpful.

We are a supportive bunch here, so you can say things we all get, and its safe here. 

One big hug coming your way

️

I find it helps to still talk to Anne. Little things like when I brew up, I look over at where she sits (got to use present tense) and ask if she wants one too; I also discuss the television programme that I / we are watching. 
The funeral was last week and I got very drunk at the wake and said some things there that I didn’t really mean. My “support network” where I live has been poor in my view. The main people who were / are there for me are an old school friend who lives 25 miles away and 2 work colleagues who live even further away. My eldest son (29) hasn’t talked to me since the wake. It really hurts. 

Yes talking is important too. I tell Tony about my days, especially if I have trouble with trains or buses. I ask him what he thinks. 

Finding new networks is so hard, Ive been to a few things but struggled. I have lovely colleagues who I do meet up with, can you do something like meet half way? Just a cuppa, beer or lunch can often lift spirits.

Do you think your eldest is struggling with their own grief? I know my daughter is, even though she is mids 30s, she adored her dad. 

Way up that I mentioned also do online meet ups, if thats something of interest to you. 

Was your wife connected with a hospice at all, they sometimes off bereavement support.

Yes she died in the Hospice. I do need to check on what they can offer.

My sons were all so close to her; she was so good at the parenting part of it all, I left her too it. All three were deeply hurt so hopefully time is a healer. 

Thank you for replying; it’s hard around here to find someone who has gone through the same as we have. 

Hi Mark1968 ,

My name is David, and I’m part of the team here at Macmillan’s Online Community. I’m sorry to hear about Anne. I can only imagine how difficult her passing is for you to process. Grief can affect us in ways we don’t always expect or understand, so I’m glad you’re reaching out here for support – I’m sure our community here can help you find your best way through.

Though it’s positive A and E were able to help you, I wanted to let you know that there’s support for you to reach out to. Our Support Line team are here 7 days a week, from 8am – 8pm if you ever want a listening ear. They can be reached on 0808 808 0000, or if you’d rather not speak over the phone, you can call us via email or live chat.

It might also be helpful for you to know that there are local support groups to help you talk to others who really understand what you’re going through – you can find what support groups are local to you here, all you need to do is enter your postcode and any local support groups will be listed.

We’d also encourage you to call your GP to discuss how you’re feeling and what help they may be able to provide.

You might want to also reach out to the team at Cruse Bereavement Support, their helpline is there for you to talk about how you’re feeling and help you find ways to cope.

Most importantly though, I want you to know that you’re not alone. As well as the support the community here can offer, the Samaritans are available any time you want to talk to someone, all you have to do is call 116 123. If you feel like you need immediate and urgent help, please do call 999.

I really hope this helps Mark, and please do continue reaching out for support on our Community. If there’s anything the Online Community Team can do for you, please don’t hesitate to email us at community@macmillan.org.uk, and we’ll do all we can to help.

Take care,

Thank you. I’ve already contacted Cruse

and there are no available slots in my area, so I am going to have to wait. 

Hi Mark, I am so sorry to hear about your Anne. I expect you are still in shock. I just wanted to say hello, and that we truly understand your suffering. My husband Paul died just over 19 months ago from kidney cancer. It has been incredibly difficult, and yet here I am, somehow. My approach was to not put a timescale on anything, (apart from finance and legals). There is no timeline for the pain and grief, and I refused to put myself under that pressure. I did find The Cruse website really helpful, as it explains how your brain processes grief, I then knew I wasn’t going mad.Try to come on here when you can. It is another way to let the pain out. Hugs to all, Kate. xxx

Thank you. 

Hi Mark1968,

I am sorry you are now on this crap path. I am afraid it is very early for you. You have yo do the basic stuff,  try and eat, sleep and drink plenty of liquid (water). I know this is hard believe me. I would have a word with your doctor.  I know you say your friends are a long way away, but if you can talk to them on the phone. If you need to rant or ramble do so, on here. I am afraid we understand. It really is step by step,  sometimes you will go backwards.  We all have.

Please look after yourself and take care. 

Finally spoken to my eldest son so hopefully things are moving forward. 
One thing I’ve learnt is that despite promises, people don’t contact you, you have to contact them.