First gig

It is so, so hard. You don’t need to apologise for anything. You had a life with your Sue, and you still want it. The courage and bravery it takes to get through one day without them will never be known by others, but we know. I have had a horrible morning, crying at the drop of a hat. This was whilst I was loading the dishwasher, watching TV, hoovering. The pain is still overwhelming at times, thank goodness I am good at pretending. Hugs to all. Kate. xxx

Hi Ghostlovescore, i have yet to do anything like that on my own. I sometimes have a cuppa or even lunch and thats hard but no, not other things yet. Im almost 5 months in.

I suppose the question is, did you enjoy the gig despite the tears?  Going backwards is going to happen. Ive been feeling very fragile this past two weeks, worse than say a month ago. I think for me, its trying to go out to new activities and groups and just finding them too big and noisy, then getting upset because Im upset!

Then again, I went to the theatre friday night with an old friend and did enjoy it for those couple of hours. 

Say all you want here, we get it, its safe, we can find ourselves nodding and saying yes thats how I feel. 

Hugs to you x

I think you were very courageous to step out to the first gig without your Sue beside you. 
And as Kate says, courage has to be summoned up to just get through each day. 
But you did something you wanted to do. It’s just didn’t pan out quite as you wanted. 
Another but, though you feel you have gone backwards, you have also gone forwards. Because you did it. You booked it. You stayed in a hotel and actually got to the gig. To the end. 

This is our lives now, such as they are. Steps forwards. Steps backwards. But as my GP said “to take a step backwards means you must have taken a step or 2 forwards in the first place”. 
I do have to keep reminding myself of that.

Dont let this feeling of backwards, feeling of guilt (totally get that), stop you from doing things though. 
I went through a few months of cancelling coffees, seeing a play, craft groups, even my volunteering, as the feeling of utter sadness, despair and huge guilt over enjoying myself for a few hours was so overwhelming whenever I got home that I’d sit and cry for hours. 
But then I sat and talked to my beautiful Valen. He would be so sad to see me not doing things. It went against his wishes. I began to feel, irrationally (but most things seem irrational now), that I was letting him down. So gradually I have built back up going out. I still say no to lots and am sticking to my faithful crafting, volunteering and family.

Xx

Sounds about right Mrs VT. Think I can relate to some of that.

Hi, I'm also a gig goer but at moment have some people to go with but have often said one day I will have to go on my own. Even going to London I feel my Stu everywhere, I see pubs we sat in , restaurants, even sitting on the underground makes my chest hurt more. I've only managed the cinema on my own so far and come out feeling proud of myself but such a small achievement at the moment.  So hard this solo life.

Hi heartbreak, so right, this solo life, when youre not used to it. I have been to the theatre on my own as it wasnt really Tonys thing, but its not the same as having someone to talk to. Go on your own when you are ready, I think you will know when that is. I want to go on a short break but I know Im not ready to yet.

I've had this same discussion today, haven't booked any holiday off work yet as got nothing to do. Got friends but most in relationships . Someone suggested I go with a chap who lost his wife..obviously just as friends but I said that would make me feel uncomfortable and don't want anyone getting wrong idea. Yes theatre and restaurant alone is my next step I think x

I have been out for a meal on my own.  Only once on Sue's birthday.  I put a picture of Sue across from me and I felt like she was sat across from me. The  waitress wanted to give me a hug. When she saw the picture and asked about it. 

This second year already feels harder then the first. 

That is a lovely idea. I went to a restaurant with my son couple months ago but sat at different part that me and my partner would of done, the waitress recognised me and knew he had passed away , said she was so sorry, that set me off crying. The physical pain the 1st year was horrendous,  this 2nd year I don't actually know what I'm supposed to be doing. I know I've turned into an angry person who keeps saying why isn't it that couple etc why us..

I feel I vaguely understand how a schizophrenic feels. 
I know my beautiful Valen has been taken. Nearly 18 months ago.
His casket is right in front of me as I type. The sofa  and bed on his side are empty and cold. There is no response to my chatter. The fridge and freezer are almost bare. His home office is now a craft room. Etc.

But I still expect him to walk through the door. I still wait looking out the window for him to come bobbing along the road. I talk to him constantly. I tuck his night time t.shirt round his casket at night so he doesn’t get cold. I get a panic attack when I think about getting rid of his toothbrush. 

I know he has gone. But I don’t believe it. 
Last night I had a meltdown. The only way to stop this pain is to not be here. What’s the point to my life. He was, still is, my whole life. 
But in the end, how does that honour my beautiful Valen’s memory. 
I want people to remember his amazing life with joy in their hearts. 
Not to say “Oh yes, Valen, his wife topped herself didn’t she”. 

I’m over that wobble now.