8 months without him

We all of us on her, sadly, get it. 
It’s coming up to a year and a half this month since my beautiful Valen was ripped from my side in a traumatic way. 
We were told he would get 3 to 6 months if he started chemo straight away. 
We had been told just 4 months earlier that his surgery and radiotherapy had worked. But the cancer returned with a devastatingly invasive and fast vengeance.
We got 4 weeks. He was, and will, now forever be, 56.

I have cried every day for nearly 18 months. Sometimes several short bursts. Other days it’s nearly all day. 
I go for a walk every day. Come rain, shine, wind, snow. I have to get out. 
I volunteer 4 days a week, see my sister 1 day a week, see my mum 3 days a week. Craft club once a week.  
But when I get home and shut the door, it’s just me and my aloneness and spiralling thoughts.

We talk on here about the masks we wear in front of others.

I have Valen here in the casket he chose when he planned his funeral. I also have a tiny piece of him in the necklace I wear that he also chose for me. I talk to him constantly.  
Everything is so much harder. I am far me easily frustrated by simple tasks. Concentration shot. Decision making difficult. 

Everyone said “It will get easier after the first year. After the first anniversary, birthday, Christmas”.  
But they are all people who still have their other halves or are single. What the hell do they know. 

But we are all different. We all experience this horror in our own ways. Some on here are farther down this path and still struggle daily. Others have been on the path for less time and have been able to adjust more quickly. 
But we do all get it. 
We listen, advise, share. Are true with each other.
So don’t be afraid to do so as well.

Sending big hugs x

Hi Packmc.

As MrsVT says yes we all get it. I am one of the ones `further down the line` as she puts it and am going into my 3rd year without my hubby. He passed from bowel cancer in June 2023  after it came back after a successful operation at the start of 2022. So much has happened since he has gone that he should be here to see our son getting married (they have just had their first anniversary) and the birth of our 2nd little granddaughter in October last year. Lots of things I have had to navigate without him and so far I think I have just about managed without him. Little things like repairs etc where you both decided who you got without getting ripped off is now all down to just you and you just have to take that chance that whoever you get won't be a `cowboy`. Grief still comes in waves after just over 2 and half years the last couple of weeks as I have said here already I feel I have been fighting against the tide to get back to shore. I hadn't been able to cry for a good while and thought it was odd because I kept thinking it was something that should be happening. Recently I have had little outbursts and the tears are streaming and I feel a bit better after it. So much we planned,so much we still wanted to do but it has all gone now and sometimes I just sit and think it is all so unfair. As someone else posted here you just don't know who you are anymore or where you fit in and where it was `we` is just `me` now and this is so true. I wish you well moving forwards. Just come here when you feel you need to we are all a good support for one another. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Hello Vicky, I am now into the first year without my husband.  The anniversary of his funeral is tomorrow and I am so low and desolate.  Everything you have said resonates with me,   I feel so alone, even when I am with other people.  There is a constant gnawing in my stomache, I am so anxious,  Just do not know how to move forward.  I am at a loss.

My heart breaks for everyone on here. My husband's funeral is next week. He was 44. 

I can't believe that he is gone. There's a space beside me on the sofa right now and I can't get my head around the fact that he's not going to walk in the door and sit down. From diagnosis to death was exactly 3 months. I'm reeling. 

I don't know what to do, now or in life.  I'm only new to this but I understand immediately. This visceral pain is like nothing I've ever experienced. I can't escape it. From reading these posts, you don't avoid it, it's something to wade through. I'm so sorry everyone. 

Hi Packmc

I get it, hubby was 56 when he died in October 25 after living with cancer for 2 and a half years, I was 50, we had been together for 32 years, he was (and still is my world). I am trying like you…well done on starting night classes and seeing family and friends.

No-one gets it unless they’re going through it, I flip from feeling angry, sad, lonely, determined, lucky that I had him, grief for the loss of him and the future we should have had and every other feeling there is.

I am seeing a counsellor too but if I’m honest not sure if it is helping, I dread the sessions then hide away from the world after them until I give my head a shake and tell myself to get on with it.

My hubby did everything he could to stay with us, was scared and also would be cross that he’s dead.

Not sure any of this helps but wanted you to know I get where you’re at. 

Each day as it comes and just getting through it is a huge achievement.

X

• Oh Shoulders, so sorry that you are going through this too. You must be in shock as you had no time to deal with diagnosis before you lost him. I hope you have support of family and friends to help you with funeral and be there for you afterwards.
• I thought I was OK in the limbo land between hubbys death and funeral but now realise I just had mask on and kept myself busy instead of dealing with my feelings. I crumbled afterwards and hid away from the world. 
• All I can say is you will deal with this horrible situation in your own way and just getting into bed each night and up each morning is an achievement. 
• X

Hi shoulders, we get it on here so you can speak freely.

I wish you the best it can be for the funeral. My husbands was in November, I sobbed from start to finish but it was a beautiful service, very 'him'  and I will hold that memory along with many others in sadness at the event but quiet peace that he was so loved. 

Whatthef429683, im thinking about counselling, in what way do you wonder if its helping. I hope it may help as Im not much of a talker, and think I need to get it all out. 

Yes still taking each day as it comes. 5 months today, Tony breathed his last and I still cry every day, some more than others, and still feel o so lonely. 

Oh Shoulders, so sorry that you are going through this too. You must be in shock as you had no time to deal with diagnosis before you lost him. I hope you have support of family and friends to help you with funeral and be there for you afterwards.

I thought I was OK in the limbo land between hubbys death and funeral but now realise I just had mask on and kept myself busy instead of dealing with my feelings. I crumbled afterwards and hid away from the world. 

All I can say is you will deal with this horrible situation in your own way and just getting into bed each night and up each morning is an achievement. 

X

Sorry I am rubbish on this, pressed send then couldn’t edit! 

Hi Malenga

I think it depends if you click with your counsellor if it helps. I did counselling when hubby first diagnosed as was struggling, my counsellor was amazing and really helped me.  This time I feel like I’m just telling the counsellor how I feel but don’t really get anything back. It does help to say feelings out loud though.

Nothing to lose in trying it.

You lost your hubby same time as me, I don’t know about you but some days I feel like I’ve got this and can do positive things then the next day feel like I’m worse than I was in the beginning?

X

Hi Ataloss!

Hope you got through your `first anniversary` ok without your husband. I can't say `things will get better` now because we all grieve differently and you will know yourself when you feel things starting to ease. The first is always the hardest but to be honest, I never really felt anything after the first year I found the 2nd year that bit harder without him. The first I think you are still just coming to terms with them not being there and I think the 2nd it finally hits that they are not coming back but as I said we are all different and everyone finds their own way in grief. Just take each day as it comes and just keep coming here when you feel you need to as you will have seen we are all a good support for one another. Take Care. 

Vicky x