It’s been 15 unbearable months since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me.
After Covid lockdown he continued to work from home, going to the London office once a week.
He would message me when he got off the train to say what he wanted me to get for his supper - “I’m off the train , can you put on a spud / soup / chilli”.
10 minutes later I’d go and stand at his office window (now my studio) and look for him coming down the road to open the door for him and receive and give my kiss, kiss, kiss (always 3).
At this time of year he would wear a head torch and look for that come bobbing down the road. It never failed to make me smile seeing that light.
So 2 days ago I was looking for some spare keys in his drawer where I’ve put that head torch.
That evening I nodded off on the sofa. When I woke it was dark as I hadn’t put any lights on yet.
I jumped up with a start and said out loud “Bl**dy hell, he’ll be back soon”. Looked at my phone and slightly worried he hadn’t sent a message to say he was either back or delayed.
Ran to the kitchen and put a potato in the microwave. Then went and stood at the office window looking for his light.
Then reality physically punched me in the gut. I doubled over and just wailed. I cried so much and so hard that I made myself sick.
He is never going to come bobbing along the road. He is never going to message me. He is never going to need that potato.
On top of all we have to cope with, this flip flopping of still not believing he has gone, of looking for him, shopping for him, turning to ask his opinion and the reality of his absence is just ……… I can’t find the words.
Its selfish of me, but I am grateful for this forum.
To be able to tell someone who knows this pain, understands it, is a lifeline
I have had a “good” day today.
The weekly crafting group at our cafe returned today and all the usual little group was there.
We all have our problems, all different. We are a very supportive group.
Instead of asking each other if we had a good Christmas, we asked if we had managed any craft since we last met.
We all had a difficult time to navigate and we know without asking that we did, so no need to ask.
I had a laugh with them. I told them about the other night and had a little cry. Then one of them laughed and said “I can just see Valen’s head bobbling about down the road”.
And I was able to laugh as well.
As you say, a happy memory.
And I had that baked potato 
