Hi Everyone,
Before today, the last and only time I was on this site was to tell you all that my wife had just been told after the success of getting rid of the bowl cancer that she actually a second type of cancer which was much more aggressive and that she only had weeks, possible months to live. I was lost as I was going to have to tell my three children that Mummy was going to dye (This never happened !!!)
Just two weeks after that post I received the phone call to say that my wife had past away at 5:50 that morning, tomorrow this will be 3 months to the day. I had to tell my mother in law and then go around to each of my children's schools to tell them that mummy had pasted away. This was, as you can imagine the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life. Each of my children took it differently, my eldest daughter, I had to say it three times, with her reply what do I mean Mummy has past away ? My youngest asked if it meant I had to find a replacement Mummy for them.
Things were very difficult for days after, but I managed to keep ,myself busy, not difficult when you have to go through all the paperwork side of things, changing bills, stopping direct debits etc. I returned back to work after just a few days to stop me from sitting around the house. The pain in my body was terrible, a piece of me ripped out and trampled on, a wanting to be loved, a loneliness that could not be replaced by kind friends and family or by my children. The mornings (4am) were the worst time, everything was quite, too quite, I would pick up my phone to check on text's, why my wife was the only one I normally got a text from. The bed now seem huge with only me in it, I would try to get back to sleep, but it was no good, I would watch every minute change on the clock, just waiting before it was time to get the kids up for school.
I have managed to stay positive all the time, as I had to just to get on with things, almost showing the kids how we most go on, one day at a time.
I am now at a point where I have been through the grieving and come out the other side for a number of weeks now, which is quick and sometimes this makes me feel guilty. I have gone on line to try and find someone, but I think people have issue going with widowed men with three children full time. I have now been in contact with one for a number of week, we have taken things slowly and haven't even meet yet. It has given my life purpose and has made me happy. Getting butterfly's again, making sneaky phone calls, so my eldest daughter doesn't know I'm talking to a woman. I know for many it is difficult to allow someone into their lives for fear of being judged and feeling they are doing their partner a wrong, but I am so much happy now.
Hope this helps any of you,
Stay positive, one step at a time,
Neil
