Dear All.
I'm just over 6 months from losing my Anne; the love of my life but some disturbing flash backs have been manifesting for about a week now. Until then all my memories and flash backs involved pure love along of course with many tears and what I call grief attacks. But its as if my memory has become exhausted with this loving process and I'm now getting flash backs of the not so happy times which I'm finding distressing and have triggered some aweful moments of grief where I've felt totally heart broken. I even put up a post a while ago questioning whether my sweet Anne may have been on the autistic spectrum, but at worst - along with another label - that I know is completely untrue yet appeared in my very own print.. I so bitterly regret that now yet it wasn't through anger.Goodness knows where it came from. On reflection I'm wondering if my mind is struggling to come to terms with the massive amount of memories, emotions, and feelings that are continually coming through that just about anything goes now and so it's now playing around with negativity. I love my darling so much that I'm happy to blame my self entirely for all our bad moments because I hate the idea that I might be a self righteous hypocrite. Yes the love of my life, my soul mate was 'different' in many ways and I've told her on a few occasions in a light hearted way 'God broke the mold when he created you sweet heart.' which some times she laughed at and sometimes she didn't, bless her soul. All I can finish off with is my Anne never stopped saying she loved me towards the end and of course I said the same because it was true. 50yrs together produced a life time worth living despite the pain and guilt I too often feel that I wasn't a better man than I should have been. Yet I know I wasn't a bad man.
Love and Light
Geoff
