Dear all
There has been a sudden shift in my perception of life. It hit me hard about 5 days ago after coming home from a very happy and pleasant meal with two friends. I've suddenly become more of a robot than usual when alone. Just going through the everyday activities of surviving because nothing grabs my attention anymore. My intellectual thinking and interest has now completely gone whether finding new things to do, searching for new adventures, even continuing with what used to be my hobbies. I stare at TV films and disappear into fantasy worlds. Everything has just flat lined. There is a DIY job half finished that I have no desire to complete anymore. And all this after 6 months of losing my Anne.My soul mate of 50yrs. I even missed an old work colleagues funeral two days ago because I just didn't have the mental energy to attend. In the early months of Annes passing, whilst I still assume I was in partial denial, I found the strength to do many things around the house. Even changing the living room furniture around so as to no longer have triggers to past memories. I planned meals and did the house hold chores plus shopping which some how became easy. I told our two off spring in the past Im coping well and they believed me because at that time it was true. . My friends have seen me also as coping well, all laughs and conversation. And in the early days there was a measure of some truth in all of this but more recently I've started to nose dive. Everything, and I mean everything, has slowly become a type of nothingness. Now days I only eat when I'm hungry so set meals no longer exist. Maybe sometimes just a single ready meal lasting the whole day. I can't say I even enjoy eating anymore. In my street alone I'm in touch with three W idowers that have lost their wives in the last twelve months and we do share a lot of emotion together. But even thats not helping now despite the fact that openly they seem to be at least coping well. But then I put on this pretence also. At least I think its a pretence on there behalf. Who knows? Im going through a dreadful psychological process now that medication or counselling cant fix. I know that because I take meds for clinical depression and acute anxiety. But the main thing is I just cant speak honestly to our two children - and wont - who visit every week, about this shift. How can I burden them with my state of mind? They have their own lives to lead. So I post on our site. Just to off load my feelings in words alone.
Love and Light
Geoff
