No energy or enthusiasm

Hi Andrew1964, my husband also died in October so Im about the same time in, and feel very similar. Work has provided a little distraction although Im not really loving it yet. Many of us here feel that lost at sea. I try to tell myself that doing small things is a big achievement. So for example, Ive pretty much done all the paperwork now, I did it all myself. Ive returned to work. I have started going out a bit more but with mixed results. Its really hard to focus on things you have done rayher than things you havent and I do go through phases of feeling like Im failing at everything. 

I believe its all still quite typical at this stage but I think if you are worried maybe its time to see a doctor, or can you access counselling at all? Do you do support groups, and is there anything in your area?

We are a supportive bunch hete and you can share whatever you want because we all get it.

Hi Andrew!

I get just about everything you have written about and I can tell you it is all perfectly normal at this very early stage of your grief. The majority of us here will get it too because we have all been there and some still are there. Some days even with me just being over 2 and half years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer I still have these feelings the days when you feel you have no energy or incentive to do anything they still come sleep patterns can still be erratic but not as bad as the beginning. It's the silence that sometimes can be deafening. I have my little Border Terrier dog though and he is my reason for getting up in the mornings. This is how grief gets us though and there is no time limit for `getting over it` everyone is different in how they process their grief and only you will know when you feel a shift of anything feeling different so I'm not going to say to you things will get better because only you will know but they will and you will know. I have family close by too. I look after my older sister who has learning difficulties and mental health issues she lives in sheltered housing accommodation not far from me. My son and daughter in law and little granddaughters live not far from me either. There is definitely `nothing wrong` with you and what you are going through is all part of the grieving process. Just keep coming here when you feel the need to because as I said we all get it and are a good support for one another. Take Care of yourself. Best Wishes to you. 

Vicky x

Hi Andrew

I lost my husband at the end of November and I can relate to the feelings you have.  Most days I feel like I'm going through life as a zombie.  I've struggled with the basic getting out of bed and looking after myself.  But I tried one thing at a time, at first I started with if I can get up get dressed and brush my teeth then great.  Some days were fine others I could only do the getting up part.  I think if you break it down into bits, so maybe start with cooking something for yourself once a day, time doesn't matter, just something you like whether its scrambled eggs on toast or roast chicken.  Its one thing.  And maybe you won't do it tomorrow or the day after but its once is a start.  Go back to it when you can.

I've only just managed to start the paperwork for my Nick and I feel really weary after I've done one or two things so I stop.  Go back to it tomorrow.  

I often think there's no point too but I know Nick would want me to tie up things nicely.  He would know that the grief would be enough to carry, if I can do these things then maybe it'll take away some of the extra weight.  Not the grief for Nick, I will have that always. 

Hope that helps

Hi Nicangel!

I think I read that somewhere that's what they say if you actually make it out of bed while grieving you have at least done something that day and as you say you take things a step at a time. 

Hello Andrew, I'm in my 10 th month of the loss of my husband . At first I was just numb and existed on autopilot. At 3 mths I moved house , we were in the process of selling so there was a lot to do at the last house and then here at this one. I threw myself in decorating at first and worked long hours  to distract my ever whirling  brain from constantly going over what happened until I was so exhausted I could sleep. The last few months I have slowed down , almost until I stopped doing anything but the necessary ..walking the dogs and some cleaning. I only watch the same monotonous programs  Can't listen to music anymore , or read the many books I have . I only go out with the dogs , one yoga class a week. And force myself to go shopping. On fair weather days I will do some gardening.  But I am in the same mind of thinking what is the point of anything anymore . All the effort and work I put into the last house was for nothing now my dear Husband is not here . The future we had planned will not be . I think once the shock starts to subside a bit we do feel that exhaustion . So now I do what I want when I want to a certain extent. I'm trying to start painting again after doing none for over a year. There is nothing wrong with you . We all go through this thing called grief differently, find our own way to handle it. Do you have any hobbies or interests ? Maybe try something , join a craft group. Or do some crafting /painting at home at first . if you aren't seeing a counsellor look for one, it helps to talk. 

Hi Andrew, my approach was to just ‘Go With It’. Our minds are trying to process the loss. We have the shock, trauma, exhaustion and pain of that loss. Our brains can only cope with so much at one time, it is actually protecting us. I remember sitting on our settee in a sort of trance. I thought it had been half an hour, it was actually over three hours. This has happened a lot over the past 19 months, and it feels a bit like a dream state. It is normal. I decided that I needed to understand the psychology of grief, as I thought I was going nuts. I found The Cruse Bereavement site, really informative and reassuring in an odd way. We are all trying to make sense of  this new reality. Try and come on here when you can. This Forum has been a major in me surviving the last 19 months. Kate. X

Reading your reply to Andrew made me realise I'm not the only one sitting alone in a trance like state. I have boxes around me I need to sort through, give more things away . I promised a painting for my Grandaughter , and I keep getting it out and not adding anything more than the background to a landscape. I feel like just painting it over or trashing it. But I like some of what I have done so far. So this weekend I've achieved nothing at all. I must have sat in the chair in the lounge for about 4 hours just listening to Podcasts hoping they would help in some way. Trying to take my mind off the Month of April which I'm really dreading.  Crying more than ever . 

Exhaustion will be big factor, on top of the grief. It is not possible to complete things that were once easy. Our reserves mentally and physically have been depleted. I started on my husband’s Paul’s study, sorting, shredding, clearing and trying to re-purpose into a new living space. I managed half an hour, then I was in floods of tears. Family photos, his work brief-case, his pen knife. On and on it went. What finished me off was when I found his note book, with ‘Things to be positive about’. The top one was the ‘Love of his family’. I haven’t gone back to it yet. I need more time. Kate.xxx

This journey definitely has its own time line.

Today the sun is shining and the wind has dropped and i finally got out all the seeds to see what Im going to grow this year. I am so far behind. I had no energy after that, so i sat down and nodded off. 

A nap is good. I slept for an extra 2 hours. I feel a lot better now, so I am looking at tomato and courgette seeds. Hopefully, not too late.