Happy for my friend.

Evening Ruby Diamond

I hear you. I spent today with a friend who’s life has just taken off this year, she’s got married & is having her second baby. I am so very happy for her, but I can’t help compare how our lives seem to be changing & in my case not for the better. Like you I think that’s it now, I can’t imagine a life with someone else in it filling my husband’s place.

I don’t post so much these days, not because anything has changed, in fact sometimes it feels even harder as I’m having  to just accept that this is how things are now 17 months on. I’ve had an 18th & a 21st birthday for 2 of my kids in a short space of time & I never thought I’d be doing it all on my own, when we had them we laughed & said we didn’t plan that very well! how little did we know. Both of them have had subdued celebrations, not like they would have had my husband been here, we just couldn’t face it. 

I agree with what you’ve said, the grief does come in waves. I hope you are able to ride this one & are in calmer waters again soon. 

Love Sarah xx

We are on a similar time scale, Rob passed away 19 months ago. Our eldest son had his very subdued 18th in the hospice, we were so relieved Dad was still around for it.

The birthdays since and even Christmas have been hard work rather than enjoyable and infact I'm quite dreading this Christmas. I seem to have had more enthusiasm to keep things how they used to be in the first year. Now not so much. 

It's just so hard doing it all on our own isn't it. 

Thank you for your reply 

Love Ruby 

Dear Ruby

I agree with you about the birthdays too- when everything has been turned on it’s head it’s easier to cope with the normal days than the special ones. I hate to admit it, but I was so relieved when the birthdays were over & it was just another “normal” day, I’d never admit it to my children, feels like I’m letting them down , it should be such a happy time for them. 

Feel like I’m treading water a lot of the time too- I talk about joining things like an exercise class or something but I’ve no enthusiasm for it, it’s just talk. I have enough on my plate just coping with the day to day. Someone once said to me they wished they could move me on by a few years as things will get easier. Don’t know if it’s true but it feels a lot to keep being patient & accepting of how things are now. Half term here has again emphasised just how much we’ve lost & I do feel envious of those whose lives just go on untouched by such a loss, although I’d never wish this anyone. They don’t know how fortunate they are, neither did we. 

We keep going Ruby, but I do feel  for you & I get it

love Sarah xx