Struggling

Hi Newb,

i’m struggling with not feeling Mark around me in the nearly 7 weeks since he died, we were so very close we used to laugh and call each other “psychotic” as a joke instead of telepathic. He knew how much I needed a sign or something from him, my mum died nearly 3 years ago and I went to a medium then and Mark found it quite amusing but knew how comforting it was to me. When Mark was unconscious in the hours before he died I spoke to him and reminded him how I needed him to show me he’s around.

Exactly one week after he died I was woken from my sleep by a very vivid dream, I could actually feel the weight of him lying beside me, his body was against the side of my body all the way down and he was kissing me, I actually woke up to the feeling of him being there, I looked across at his side of the bed and in the dark I could see the time on the digital bedside clock he had, as I looked it turned from 3.32am to 3.33am and all I could hear was his voice with a laugh in it saying “tree turty tree” in the awful Irish accent he used to put on to make me laugh. I actually went back to sleep feeling calm and peaceful but it made me so sad to wake up the next morning and realise he was still gone.

I guess I expected after that to feel him around me more often but honestly there is nothing. The house is empty, soulless, no warmth. I’m struggling to make decisions that he would normally have advised me on, I always stop and say “please help me Mark, tell me what to do” but I feel nothing. 

I’m starting to wonder if it’s because I’m still in shock and denial and not allowing the thought to fully hit me that he is actually dead and gone. Maybe I am subconsciously blocking him out. It’s funny but I can really feel my mum in the last few weeks, she keeps coming into my mind and I keep wanting to phone her and talk to her which hasn’t happened for a long time. 

It’s all so shit, isn’t is Newb? I had to choose an urn today for Mark’s ashes, even writing that sentence makes no sense to me. How can our lives have shattered like this? My heart breaks again every day.

Fiona

Hello Fiona,

I think you had a sign. I lost my husband in April i have been to two mediums and they both said i have a gentleman with me who is young. I didn't let on i lost my husband until the end when i couldn't hold the tears back any longer. 

Bryan did not believe in mediums and he told both mediums the same. The mediums gave me dates and places where Bryan was with me. I don't feel him with me, he told me to open my eyes because he will be with me. I need hard proof or i doubt what i see or feel. As with you my heart aches all the time. Life seems pointless and i just want to with him so much. I don't want to feel like this who does !.

Take care 

Marie

Hi Marie,

yes, I think it was a sign too but I don’t know why it was just that one short feeling and since then nothing. I would love something, anything, to let me know he is ok and that I will be ok. I guess that’s what we need isn’t it? Reassurance. 

I’m so sad for you too, it does all seem so pointless, this particular grief causes so many physical and mental and emotional issues, it’s like you have been given the hardest road to travel and cruelly you have had the one person who could help you through it taken away. 

I am struggling to see how I will ever get used to missing him, or living without him. When I see people saying they are two years down the line and feeling better, all I think is “i don’t WANT two years without Mark, I just want him BACK” 

mind yourself

Fiona x

Hi Fiona

Three months on for me, and I had a very similar experience to you one night last week, a very vivid dream when I felt John was with me in bed and holding me like he always used to. It was so real and I even said 'But you can't possibly be here, you died'. And I too thought that feeling of his presence might help but it really hasn't, and I still feel so empty and alone. I also ask for his advice. There are so many things he used to do that I never even thought about, and now I struggle. Going to get a new stair carpet soon and I have never had to choose anything like that on my own.  I so need his input and his lovely calm voice telling me not to worry, it'll be fine. Except it can never be fine again for us, can it? 

Thinking of you 

Anne x

Hi All I read all your posts with tears in my eyes I collected Winnie’s death certificates this morning I don’t know how I managed to hold it all together, but I did , until I walked in the front door and burst into tears. Coming back to an empty house is just horrific. No noise no warmth no feelings. I can’t see myself ever getting used to it. Then the postman arrives with a letter for Winnie ,a hospital appointment for 27 August. How I wish she was going to it. Also in the post was the urn for her ashes. Like you Fiona I can’t believe I am writing this . It’s a blue teardrop shaped one. This shouldn’t be happening to any of us. 

Usually whwhen I go to bed I say a few words to Winnie then toss and turn and try and go to sleep . But one night last week when I put my head on the pillow a strange calmness came over me I thought I could feel Winnie’s presents all around me , it only lasted a short while but after that I went straight to sleep.  It might just have been a coincidence but somehow I don’t think so. I don’t know how much longer I can take this loneliness, but I know we all have to.

 Mike 

Oh Mike :-( 

x

Hi Fiona I did have a dream about 3 days after she passed she just walked out of a door hugged me and went pillow was soaking I had been crying in my sleep went to a medium he told me many things that he would never know I was in tears just listening to the things he said but I have never felt her near me for week's 

I find it very hard life seems to just be against us all the time

Hi Orlybird

On what you described I believe Mark has already visited you to say he's OK. As  I understand it. It takes an awful lot of energy for our loved ones to make contact, so to expect more may be more than they can manage. Take solace that Mark is fine and now in a dimension of love and peace. I miss Anne more than I can say but because I now know she is safe and loved, away from her suffering and  this cruel primitive world I'm finding the confidence to soldier on as she would want me to. I do it for her.

Bless. Geoff.

Hi all 

I'm not waiting 9 day's for my blood count test, I've been to my chemist today straight from work and got some iron supplements. I can't get much more fatigued than now. If I hadn't gone to give blood I would be none the wiser that I'd become anemic since her death. 

Here's to getting through tomorrow all. 

Take care the best way you can.