Does time heal ?

Hi Dan

I have to believe it does otherwise why bother? There are people around here and others I speak to who are much further along than me who assure me it does. No the grief doesnt go away you just gradually build a new life around it. At least thats what Im told.

Im having a particularly teary week as Im coming up to 6 months and Tonys birthday. I almost bought him a birthday card today whilst buying for his family who all have birthdays on consecutuve days. I didnt though, but then wonder if I could. Ive yet to feel any better than I did, and it upsets me a lot. I know Im hard on myself, I feel I should be doing better. If you havent see the thrwad called Grace, have a look at that first post.

For you, you are so early in this sh*t journey, have you had a funeral yet if there is one? These early weeks just go in a blur as there is so much to do, and you effectively do anything you can to survive each day. At the moment, thats you functioning for your children, who will also be grieving their mum. Just getting up, maybe making a phone call or getting something resembiing food on the table can be a huge undertaking and is enough. Some days, even doing that seems impossible and some days you can manage something else as well. Trying to find space to do something you enjoyed together can help, whether thats going for a walk, going out for a meal, or playing a game, or activity at home.

Keep chatting though, its very safe here and noone judges you.

Hello Dan!

As Malengwa said I am one of the ones who is a bit further on in their grief journeys. I am coming up to 3 years this June since Jay passed. Grief finds it's own way of settling in different people so we all grieve differently. For you just now, it is very early days and as Malengwa also said you will have loads of stuff to sort out and deal with just now while still making sure your children are ok too. The `seeing and doing` to things you have going on just now was for me I feel a bit of a distraction and something I could focus on other than still comprehending that Jay is actually not here now. Your head will be all over the place still and you won't know if you're coming or going at times but thats all natural at this stage. The first year without your partner they say is the hardest you have all the `firsts` to contend with without them i.e. birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and for you and your kids your first Easter. The first year for me went by in a blur I think the first year you are still coming to terms with your loss and still expect them to be there for a while I was still looking for Jay coming through the door at night after work and asking what `burnt offerings` I had made for dinner (his sense of humour). The 2nd was harder for me I think because I think that is the time your realise that they really are gone and you have more time to sit and think about it. Will things get better? they will but only you will know when you will maybe begin to feel a slight shift in things but as I said its still early days for you and we all grieve at a different pace but you will feel something change at some point along the way. I have accepted now that this is it. This is me I'm on my own and I'm starting to get used to it. I still get my days and as I call them my `F**K It` weeks where I feel I don't want to do anything or go anywhere/see anyone but like unwelcome visitors they leave and then I just plod on. Some days I still sit and think of all the unfairness of everything we wanted to do or should be doing but it's not happening now. You will get there Dan its just a day at time for you and the kids just now. My best wishes to you all and Take Care. #

Vicky 

Hello Dan, I think it's good that you are at least reaching out for some advice or saying how you are feeling. Don't think about the Timeline. It's so different for everyone. At your stage I would expect you are still in shock and just going through the motions. All you can do is take one day at a time. You might hear the same very annoying words being said ... Grief isn't Linear ..If I hear that word again I might scream. I'm careful about saying "Sorry for your loss " you will hear that said to you a 100 times before you've done all the paperwork and seeing people you know. Even the damn Bank staff say it ..Ok. I know they don't know what else to say .,but it started getting on my nerves. When I say it I genuinely mean it ,and probably others do, but it's so inadequate. It didn't help me anyway. But again what else can we say ? Well you have a journey ahead of you . I hope you have lots of support . I don't feel I have had a great deal. My son's have tried their best I guess. And my elder sister tried . Hardly missed a day in contacting me even if it's just a text message. She does come out with saying the wrong thing quite often. Not her fault . I hope you have your name down for counselling cos' we do need it. It seems that everyone is waiting about 6 months before it starts. Whether that's cos' there are so many if us to help it someone decided that's when we need it most. Please don't try to be too strong in front of your children. They won't like it but they need to see you cry . And it's very difficult to put on a brave face . Although my youngest son is fed up with me crying every day and does get worried. I'm a older Woman ,so they are grown men now. I've just told him to leave me to cry. I can't keep my emotions in very well. And it does us no good either. My son's have rarely seen me cry . At dad films or when we lost an old dog . But I have usually held the family together. You ask will you ever want to carry on for yourself . Well I'm sure we all ask ourselves that . After almost a year I still think it. But I keep being told / reading  that we change . We eventually build our lives around this B---dy thing called grief. I suppose we all arrive there at different times. I have friends who lost their Husbands up to 10 years ago . On the outside they look to be doing amazingly.. They still carry that sadness. But some have made good friends and even dare I say it have new Partners. I can't imagine that happening to me , I certainly would not ever marry again. I'm m amazed you are going back to work so soon. Probably you have to for financial reasons. Some people find it helps. I'm glad I retired. Many people I know have joined clubs and got new hobbies. Perhaps if you have the time you might fancy doing something. I have been going to Yoga classes . I don't want to socialise . That's enough for me . I only go when my sister comes with me. Sorry This is so long winded. Shows I have nobody to talk to. Anyway keep coming on here if it helps. Try listening to Podcasts. Wishing you some Peace . 

Thank you malengwa,pattyk & Breton.

your replies are very kind and very very helpful. You have all given thought and spent time to share your experiences which as I now know must be very hard. I to hate the words”take each day as it comes” and how are you doing but what else can people do to help our situations?. I am a man of few words one thing that my wife didn’t like about me (she would probably have a few more lol) but I am going to try all I can to help myself my children and others by speaking on groups like this. Talking about my feelings was never a thing until this awful time but I will do all I can to try and understand things and not just be a person who bottlers things up until it to late.

once again thank you all and if anyone needs a chat please don’t hesitate to message me.

You've came to the right place Dan as I think I have said already many times we all get it when those around you maybe not. My Jay was a very private person too and kept himself to himself but I'm like that too and I think we were well matched. I would be lost without this forum because I don't really have anyone to offload to and know I can come here when I feel really down and have dark thoughts. I have my son and daughter in law not far from where I live but they have their own lives to be getting on with. My son doesn't really talk much about his dad I will bring him up in conversation but I usually just get a one word syllable of `yes` or something but he never seems to want to elaborate much. I know he misses his dad they did a lot together when he was growing up but he is quite deep in his thoughts a bit like me. I have my older sister who lives close to me but she has learning difficulties and lives in sheltered accommodation and I am her carer. She can live independently to an extent but needs me for a lot of things in authority like her banking needs paying bills etc. Empathy though is not one of her strong points and trying to talk to her sometimes just doesn't register and I get a `I know what you mean` from her when she really doesn't. Just keep coming here Dan when you feel you need to we really all are a good support for each other.

Vicky 

thank you patty i will it has only been a few days since i joined but really apprciate all the kind comments and i am wliing to except all the help out there.

many thanks

My Hubby didn't talk much about his feelings. or how bad he was feeling. I am probably too open. I am trying to be more guarded especially since moving. I don't want to talk to neighbours about my Husband . I get too emotional. And it's embarrassing . And I've decided I don't want everyone to know my business like they mainly did where we were living before .As we were living in a Hamlet . I got on with everyone . But there were some gossips who had nothing better to do. So here I will choose who I confide in if at all. It is difficult when you don't have anyone to offload to. I think I need to write more in the Journal. Although I have written a lot on here since I joined , so I suppose that's about the same . Most Men don't talk about their feelings. When we were Courting many decades ago, my Husband was very open about his feelings , but once married it was different. And with his poor health he changed and I didn't like to burden him with my thoughts and worries.  

Hi

1. This is all so recent for you, I think you are doing really well to have come here and be able to open up to all of us so soon. My husband died 4 months ago and this place has become my lifeline, this and my journalling. We need to talk to make sense of the enormous thing that has happened to us, but we don't all have people around to listen to us. Here you can say anything at all, I have found, and someone will always understand. What sort of ages are your children? In answer to your question, it isn't really any easier for me yet, but it is becoming more 'normal' I suppose. My children are adults but I suppose I carry on more for them than for myself. But people do get through this, don't they, so it must be possible. We are all trying to encourage each other as best we can, I think. 

Hello

yes I agree people do to some extent get through this and we have to stay strong. I joined this forum to see if I can gain some reason for this happening by understanding there are other people out there suffering the same. My children are 28,17,15 & 10. I speak to them everyday day and ask if they are ok and they always say”yes dad I am ok” but all I think is are they ?. It’s so hard to try and be strong and happy for them and myself but it very early so see what the future holds.

many thanks 

It is 18 unbelievable months since my beautiful Valen was unexpectedly and traumatically ripped from me on the morning he was due to start chemo. We were given 3 to 6 months after being told just 4 months earlier that his treatment had been successful. 
We got 4 weeks.  
I still have days of denial. Forget he isn’t here and am surprised when I look round and don’t see or hear him.

But I am able to volunteer 4 days a week. See my mum and sister a couple of times a week. Help at “our” cafe and do arts and crafts at home and at a weekly club. Though if I don’t want to do anything on a given day as I’m not up to it, I allow myself to not do it. A few months ago I would have forced myself and felt worse for going out. 

I have a phrase I say to myself - “I am learning to manage how I cope, and coping with how I manage”. 
Thats is all I ask of myself at the moment.

Do keep coming on here. It’s a very supportive group. And such a safe place to express your feelings that you can’t express to anyone else. Not even my counsellor has heard as much as these guys here.