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Today I've had the brain of a mongoose that was recently in head on collision with a tank. I managed to forget I two meetings I was meant to attend (so didn't), nearly forgot to pick up my medication and then got home only to realise I'd put a collander in the washing machine instead of the clothes to wash. Thankfully I hadn't turned it on. Don't get me wrong, I've had a perfectly lovely day but I clearly wasn't on the same planet as the rest of humanity!
I wish I was...
Is this what you expected when you stared altering me?
When you rearranged my body, patched me up and set me free?
The stitches are quite ragged, is that usually your style?
I have a fashion background and have wondered for while…
I understand mastectomy is not a level peg,
But was this your intention, taking muscle from my leg?
And though the muscles thriving that you brought round from my back,
If you tickle my front front now, it’s my dorsal that feels slack…
And please...
I never was a runner when I was small at school,
I was okay at the hurdles, but at hockey I’m the fool,
I can not hit a tennis ball to save my wayward life,
Yet now I do my exercise, and satisfaction’s rife!
With dry hair motivation, that comes with middle age,
I’m doing lengths of breaststroke, it is like I turned the page,
I run for miles around, the calories I’ll kill,
Have bough a powered bike because we’re living on a hill…
If cancer has you fed...
The hound is in the cupboard now,
I try to keep him there,
But sometimes he escapes somehow,
’Though these days that’s quite rare.
You’d like it if he hadn’t stayed,
But I can’t let him go,
In secret moments back he’s strayed
And that helps me, although,
You think that means I’m in the past,
Like I’m not moving on,
Yet actually it is a sign how far we’ve come along…
I didn’t wait “for ever” in rooms so clean and bland,...
I do know sometimes that you mind,
Yet I’m not leaving you behind,
Just joined a new club, Cancer Friends,
For sticky moments and sad ends,
To talk to, without burdening you,
To ask the tricky questions to…
I know you care, I know you’re there,
I try to smile, some hope to share.
Who laughs at pills and ultrasound,
Or side effects? What’s more I’ve found,
The others in this club you see,
Don’t need brave faces, sympathy,
They value time and hope and...
Hey mum.
Things aren't great right now. As usual.
Talked to Dad on Friday, I don't know if you were there. It was so hard mum. We finally talked about the 'thing' and I got to tell him some stuff I'd been feeling for a while, remember our conversations mum we use to have? Well I finally did it.
Conversation wasn't particularly nice. Dad told me explicitly that if it wasn't for me and Em he'd be dead. He wanted to go with you. I think we all knew that deep down but probably...
Hey mum,
Just a quick one today, just wanted to let you know that I haven't stopped thinking about you this weekend. I keep seeing your face everywhere. I miss you so much mum.
Me and dad had a huge cry together on Friday. He told me some stuff about what you both went through together. It was hard. I haven't processed it properly yet though so I'm not going to say anything about it.
I miss you mum.
Dad's running out of faith mum you need to go and see him if you can find a way....
Hey mum,
God it feels like it's been so long since I last sent you a message, so much has been happening and I hope you've been around to see.
I miss you today mum I think that's why I'm here. I'm really starting to feel that you're not here. All the time. I keep seeing little white feathers everywhere and wonder if you sent them for me. I look for signs from you everywhere but I just don't seem to get them anymore.
Dutton's been so amazing recently mum especially yesterday...
I feel like everything's going wrong mum. I need you.
I keep fucking things up and I made Nana cry and ruined the big christmas meal thing and I keep getting things wrong in work and getting pulled into the office and I'm trying so hard but I just keep forgetting things and getting things wrong.
I feel like I'm pissing everyone off but it's all in my head and Im just being over sensitive but I can't be sure.
I'm trying to get Dutton more involved but he's STILL struggling to...
