Hey mum.
Things aren't great right now. As usual.
Talked to Dad on Friday, I don't know if you were there. It was so hard mum. We finally talked about the 'thing' and I got to tell him some stuff I'd been feeling for a while, remember our conversations mum we use to have? Well I finally did it.
Conversation wasn't particularly nice. Dad told me explicitly that if it wasn't for me and Em he'd be dead. He wanted to go with you. I think we all knew that deep down but probably never wanted to admit it. Hearing him say that out loud wasn't nice. One, because now I have this strange feeling of guilt like me and Em are keeping him alive. Almost as if we're 'making' him continue his life alone. He's not alone of course - he has plenty of friends who are looking after him at the moment and of course his family but it's not enough and it never will be. He wants you mum not us.
I was watching T.V last night and I got incredibly upset after watching this one particular scene where a young girl was talking to her mum about life and stuff and first I was crying because I realised that I would never, ever have anyone like that to talk to ever again. But mainly because I felt so guilty.
I'm so sorry mum. It suddenly dawned on me why you spent months asking me to come and spend the night with you and have a girly night with you and I never wanted to because I was too busy up in my castle in Wigan with my boyfriend and I didn't want to spend all night talking about dad and 'the thing'. That's pretty much what we talked about whenever we were alone mum and it was alienating me from dad. I'd changed my opinion of him so much that I was scared to hear anymore incase it did some kind of permanent damage to our relationship. I felt like I had to have an opinion and that opinion had to be heavily sided with you and I felt trapped. I felt like I was being backed into a corner and I felt bad for dad. I'm so glad that you felt you could talk to me though mum, and whilst I say that it made me feel that way about dad, I'm still glad we were able to enjoy at least a few short years of being able to communicate with other like best friends.
So I got upset about that. I felt terrible for not spending more time with you when you were ill and I felt terrible for just about everything I'd ever done/not done.
It's hard for me to talk to dad about you. It's hard for me to talk to dad at all to be honest. I'm going to feel so bad for saying all this about him but I need to get it out of my head mum before I go pop.
I just find it virtually impossible to get a complete sentence out of my mouth when I'm around him and it's like I've gotta rush everything I'm saying and speak at a million miles an hour to try and get all the words out before he inevitably interrupts me, blatantly to say something completely irrelevant to me. God forbid you interupt him. Then it's all 'oh you never listen to me' 'should I just stop talking?' and I feel like screaming at him.
I feel like I can't talk to him about you very often because everything I'm feeling, he's feeling worse. Or more often. Doesn't matter what I say. It feels like it's a competition and I'm not allowed to grieve and be sad about my mum because dad's lost his soulmate and 'how do you think I feel'. Every single one of my feelings and thoughts gets compared to his feelings and thoughts and I ''lose'' everytime. It makes me feel like I have no right to grieve. Like I was just your daughter and what's the big deal. So I rarely bother talking about you. And that's horrible. But dad is all about dad right now and I'm just tryna plod along on my own.
Em is basically a waste of time right now. I try to keep in touch with her but she never replies. She's being a dick with dad. I can't comment much on this right now because it's something I'm very angry about and I musn't step in. It's got nothing to do with me.
God mum sometimes I still feel kinda angry with you. Dad said your face said it all when they pointed out to you that the chemo wouldn't have been half as bad this time because it was a cure not a preventative measure. You left it too late. We're not talking weeks here though are we mum? You'd left it for nearly a year. FUCKING HELL MUM. Sorry but you have no idea what a mess has been left behind since you died.
People are clearly forgetting about it all now and I'm quite clearly expected to just crack on now. I mention you and people groan and walk away. I cry about you because I'm upset and people are confused because it was nearly a year ago so whats the problem surely we're all over it now I mean goddd. Nobody fucking cares mum. And I think that's why I've stopped spending time with my friends. I can't be arsed texting people anymore. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to hang around with anybody. Since you died I have absolutely no tolerance whatsoever for society anymore. People and their pathetic little problems. It's like because I've lost my mum nobody is allowed to moan anymore to me about anything BECAUSE OMG ITS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I WENT THROOOOUGHHHHH waaah waah waah yes I know what I sound like but I can't help it. Everything just seems so irrelevant. Friends give you that whole 'oh if you need me I'm here' blah blah blah no you're fucking not though are you? Didn't hear from my best mate for about 4 months, but of course that was because she was giving me 'space'. Convenient isn't it? Unfortunately for these people I have come to start really enjoying my 'space' and don't want anybody in it anymore.
I'm not having a good day mum and I miss you so much. I want to hug you and talk to you and have a laugh with you. But I can't. You're dead. I hate my life.
I hate my fucking job.
I hate my life.
I fucking hate everything
