Hey mum,
God it feels like it's been so long since I last sent you a message, so much has been happening and I hope you've been around to see.
I miss you today mum I think that's why I'm here. I'm really starting to feel that you're not here. All the time. I keep seeing little white feathers everywhere and wonder if you sent them for me. I look for signs from you everywhere but I just don't seem to get them anymore.
Dutton's been so amazing recently mum especially yesterday when I got a bit upset. He's been so wonderful I can't believe how lucky I am to have him.
Em has finally gone home after spending nearly 3 weeks with us and I've just finished a week's holiday. I didn't realise how badly I needed it.
Dad misses you so much mum he's struggling and I'm really, really worried about him. He's definitely going to lose the house so now he's worrying about the fact he's only got a year to get it all sorted before all his benefits stop. He wont go to the citizens advice bureau, he wont go to the council, he wont go to the bank, he wont go to the Doctors. He just keeps saying 'mum used to do all this I don't know what I'm doing' BUT I DON'T EITHER. He keeps forgetting that I'm 26 with no mortgage and no life experience, I can't advise him. I'm trying so hard and I'm constantly worrying about him, but at the same time I can't do anything to help him and I can't get him to help himself either. So what, I just wait for him to get more and more miserable until he tops himself or something? Because I feel like I'm clock watching again.
I've never actually typed this out before or admitted it out loud to anyone but I'm convinced he's going to kill himself mum and I'm scared we'll be burying him too in a year's time. He just can't cope without you.
Also, I've been waiting for years for Em to sort of grow out of her selfish attitude but she doesn't seem to be. Sometimes it's like she literally has no thought for other people yknow? She wont keep her room tidy and wont take criticism of any kind, even when she knows she's done wrong. She is a compulsive liar and only ever tells you half a story. Nothing is ever her fault. Blah blah blah and it's like, I can either have her live with us, have no money, no time to ourselves and no space and worry about dad being completely alone (which again, didn't seem to bother her one iota when she was staying with us) OR I can send her home and worry about the effect her behaviour is going to have on dad.
Em getting kicked out was caused by dad getting more and more annoyed and angry and upset that she hasn't been helping out round the house, so instead of saying anything (noticing a pattern here?) he's just decided to do it all himself and keep running around after her until he's come home from football one day to find nothing has been done in the house AGAIN so he's gone upstairs, knocked her about a bit and then essentially packed her suitcase for her. The pair of them are going to be a nightmare mum and I'm dreading having to deal with this shit for the rest of my life because I don't know what I'm doing!
God why didn't you just go to the Drs mum? We would have held your hand and wouldn't have made you do anything you didn't want to but you'll never know that now because we didn't get chance did we? Even when you were diagnosed we never talked about it. We never talked about what was going to happen to you or what we were going to do at Christmas when you weren't here anymore or what you wanted me to do with Em or dad. It's like, you got ill and that was that. We all just stuck our heads in the sand and I never got a single chance to speak to you about what was going to happen. Because you were scared and frightened and going through so much you couldn't/wouldn't talk to us about it. It's like you were waiting to just wake up one day and be better. Almost as if if we didn't talk about it it would just go away. Well it didn't mum. The only thing that went away was you.
We found out that you must have known about that lump for 7 months before you even rang the Drsand as much as I'm trying to fight it, there are times like now where I feel a bit angry about that. Not at you, it's not like that, and when I think about how scared you must have been and what I'd have done if it was me, I don't have a right to complain or comment - I'm just so mixed up mum. I want someone to blame, someone to be angry with and sometimes it's you. I'm sorry, I don't want to be angry with you mum but sometimes I just want to get you back so I can grab you by the shoulders and shake you and scream at you that we love you and we just wanted our few months with you. We didn't get them and neither did you.
I just - gah. Mum why didn't you say anything? 7 months of knowing your clock was ticking. 7 months of watching us all blindly getting on with our lives not knowing we were about to have the most important person in our lives just ripped away. I'm still not angry with you per se, I'm just desperately looking for answers and looking for someone to blame.
They said it wasn't anything to do with it but I'm calling bullshit on it - those Imodiums killed you. Or at leaI'm sure of it. Everything was ''fine'' until you started cramming those down your throat. Mum it was diarrhea for God's sake. I still to this day have never seen that much Imodium in a kitchen cupboard as I did the night you died. I was so angry with you.
You did your typical pretending everything's fine routine, whenever dad asked you if you were ok, or if you were in pain you'd always lie. When you were in agony on the couch because of those Imodiums and you wouldn't let dad phone an ambulance so now all he ever thinks about is that he didn't ring them soon enough. Now he's left with that guilt. I know what you were doing mum and I know what your intentions were and it's just further proof of the kind of loving, caring person you are/were/I don't know what tense to use. But BLOODY HELL it's so frustrating mum. I know you were trying to protect us but now we're alone.
*sigh* Ok I'm done shouting at you now sorry mum, I love you. I love you so so much mum xxx
