I feel like I’m literally going mad

Hi Lara Lou, first of all I just want to send you a very big virtual hug. You have had a lot to deal with emotionally and I think most of us would feel pretty rubbish if we were in your shoes

. I can empathise with you as although I was successfully treated a few months ago any ache or pain is cancer especially as I was getting strange pains in my left breast which was where I had cancer 16 years ago. Nothing showed up on the CT scans but I'm still worried that the cancer has come back. The interesting thing is that I recently bought some new bras and since I went back to my old, more supportive bras, the pain has gone! Also the 'pain' was worse when I was just sitting and brooding, it wasn't noticeable if I was occupied and doing something enjoyable. I've now decided it was stress and tension in my neck and upper back that was causing the problem . What I'm trying to say, rather badly, is that our mind can play nasty tricks on us especially if we've got other emotional things to deal with as you have just recently.  

Be kind to yourself, it will take time to come to terms with  losing 2 of your friends. It's still very raw. I'm sure you will get a lot of love and support from the other ladies on the site. 

Lots of love Nannasuki xx

Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to reply , I know a lot of this is in my head and I guess it’s only natural, but it’s these low sat (oxygen reads) that are worrying me, if i check everyone else they are 99 which is perfect but mine go beteeen 93 and 95 , I’ll try to see another doctor maybe, thank you so much hun, I’m glad you changed bras and felt more comfy, sometimes like you say it’s something simple like that which really helps , thank you for the hug xxx

Hello LaraLou,

Im so sorry to read about the sudden death of your friend. What an awful shock for you and for everyone who knew her. These things are so hard to cope with. One of my best friends died very suddenly from a heart attack a few years ago - no warning, here one minute, gone the next, with no chance to say goodbye or to tell her how much she was loved. The shock was immense, it felt like an actual physical bodyblow, followed by disbelief, confusion and a whole mix of emotions that I thought would overwhelm all of us who knew her.  I can understand how you're feeling and you have my deepest sympathies . Lots of gentle, sympathetic hugs to you.

No, you're not going mad at all. You're dealing with unexpected loss and will in time have to grieve for your friend. On top of that you're perhaps already living with anticipatory grief at the thought of your best friend returning to Australia. Some might say that's over the top, that a friend moving on is part of life, and yes it is, but our friends are also our family, our closest confidantes, the ones we laugh with, cry with and share with and so we mourn the loss of their presence, their support and so on. We begin to miss them before they're even physical gone so yes, I do believe we go through anticipatory grief in these situations as we struggle to come to terms with our sense of loss and aloneness. In addition you have your physical worries. Your symptoms may, as you suggest, be in your mind. Our minds do play tricks on us and I think that having had a cancer diagnosis can make us so prone to worry and fear of recurrence that even the slightest thing suggests to us that the cancer is back. Having said that, your symptoms are very real and yes they could be indicative of a heart problem as you suggest, or they could be the physical manifestation of the stress and anxiety you feel. I'm not a medic so I can't say either way, but I will say there's no harm in going back to your GP and asking for another check up, or even a second opinion from a different doctor at the surgery. 

Heartache and loss are part of life. If we didn't love, then we wouldn't feel pain and grief. But if that were so, we would never know the joy that the love of family and friends brings. We are made to love and to care and receive love and care from others. I hope that in time your good memories of your friend will bring you comfort and peace. For now, be gentle with yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers today x

Oh Lara Lou!  I'm so sorry to read what a tough time you're having.  I'm sorry to hear about your friend dying - what an awful shock for you.  No wonder you are feeling so low.  And the friend moving back to Australia as well, just when you thought you had her back with you is a terrible disappointment.

I read all your symptoms and to be honest I guess all of them can be caused by stress, grief and anxiety.  But you are doing the right thing by keeping checking things with your doctor because it's good to have that reassurance.  Does your doctor know how anxious and emotional you are feeling?  

Also Lara, because we were pretty close with our diagnoses and surgery, am I right in thinking it's about a year now since your surgery?  I know you were a few weeks in front of me and mine was 23rd May.  I feel very strange about the upcoming anniversary, it's quite a difficult time.  I think maybe that's coming into it for you as well?

I'm wondering if there are any groups in your area for cancer survivorship.  My CNS runs a group for gynae cancer ladies and I'm going to one of the meetings on 24th April.  It's the first time I've been able to go because of work, but now I'm retired I'm able to.  It's not my thing really - going to support groups - I'm more of a get on with it kind of person - but I'm going to go.  It might be worth asking your GP.

I know you went back to work - how's that going?  You have early morning starts don't you, which must be quite tough.  

I sense that you haven't had a holiday or break since we've been speaking, but I may be wrong.  Is it time to think about booking something - a change of scenery even for just a few days can really help.

When all is said and done, your feelings are completely legitimate.  You've had a difficult year, major surgery and recovery, coupled with the anxiety of being diagnosed with cancer and all your other health issues, now the shock death of a friend and the loss of another one back to Australia.  I think you're quite entitled to come here for hugs and friendship, and also more than entitled to keep going to the doctor for reassurance.

Hope today is a better day Lara.

Steph xxx

Hi Lara lou,

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

As for your friends death, I fully understand how you feel. Last August we were on our way North to see my brother-in-law when we got a phone call to say he had died. We never got a chance to see him again, and he was diagnosed with prostate cancer just after I had my operation. It really brought things home to me, and how very lucky I was. He was also slightly younger than us, and the first one of our generation to go.  But I'm afraid this is life. There is nothing we can do about it.

I think I would see a different  doctor if you can. It would help to get another opinion, and if they say its OK, stop worrying!

Love xxxxx

Thank you so much fairycake, it’s true that we would not feel the joys if we didn’t feel the love, the two go together don’t they, it’s just the sheer shock, plus my heart breaks for her husband who has bad ms, she was his full time carer, he only lost his mum last November and my friend was his world, she would be so devastated knowing she has left him, she was so protective, her son is only 23 so that is very sad as well as he was only young when he lost his real dad, I’m an empathist and really feel others pain, so I’m feeling mine, and theirs it’s just awful, Thank you so much as always for your advice and for being there, I’m gonna make an appointment Friday if I can to see my nice old school type doctor, he is not on until then and I just hope I can get him, I’ll keep you posted Hun xx

Thank you so much steph, yes I admit the year anniversary has been playing on my mind, it’s like I am reliving it all for some reason, I was diagnosed exactly on this dat3 a yea4 ago, I think it’s come to the stage where I think I have to face up and tell the doc I need some help, councilling is really not for me, I hate taking pills but if it will calm me short term then I think it may be the answer, my friends death has totally knocked me for 6 plus I have a stressful few weeks coming up as my boss is on jury service, so I’m covering more and trying to work out the Rotas so everyone is happy, to b3 honest I just wan5 to stay at home, but I can’t ........thank you for your reply, I’ll keep you posted when I see the doc, I know stress causes mayhem but I’m not sure it would lower my oxygen and that’s my real worry, 

speak soon hun xx

Sorry for the errors in the message steph, as you know I meant a year anniversary not 4 years xx

Oh nannyanny, how awful, what a shock that must have been, how sad as well, life is so cruel isn’t it, but as you say it makes you realise how lucky you are and that is something to be grateful of everyday isn’t it, I know I am it just does not show when I’m like this, but on my good days I do appreciate it, it’s jus5 this low oxygen that worries me so I’m going to try to see the doc on Friday, I will keep you posted and thank you so much xx