Personality change

Oh dear it seems you are getting some fallout from your husbands treatment. The carer in this situation is often a bit overlooked. First thing is to get rid of the idea that you have done something wrong. You are just there and  want to help. I'd imagine he is feeling desperately unwell and wants to just be left alone. Its a horrible situation to be in but try not to take it personally. Give him space and be there for when he needs you is my advice. Oh and look after yourself.

Jon

Thanks , I just don’t get it , his friend phoned and he chatted away with him , so that’s what makes me think it’s me , I ask him does he want a coffee or something to eat , he says no then gets up and does it 

Hi has the old saying goes you always hurt the one you love the one you shouldn’t hurt at all .I according to my hubby treat him like a dog during my treatments 35 radiotherapy sessions anD 2 chemos. He did nothing wrong he drove me everywhere shopped cooked cleaned did my tabkets feeds etc. Was I aware no I wasn’t .Anytime any one came  to visit  I reverted back to me apparently . Was I aware of this ! No I wasn’t I was mortified when later he told me . Said why didn’t you say something , his reply bless him I take my marriage vows seriously better for worth in sickness and  in  health. We’ve been married 41 years and yes we are still married. I honestly had no idea it was around week 3 when he told me .Hope this helps to know you aren’t on your own it’s a horrible time for everyone.  He was and still is my rock .Hazel x

Hi Curly, really sorry to hear this

It wont be you, it will be the stress and possibly side effects of treatment.

I know i  struggle not to get snappy with people when i am down, and i sometimes i want to tell people to '*** off' when they tell me to cheer up, or tell me to 'be strong' even though i know they mean well!

I know its difficult for you too, all i can suggest is be there when he needs it, but dont take any snapping personally

Trev

Thanks this does help , and he does revert back when friends or siblings call then I get the same grumpiness back

Good evening curlywurly, i fully understand your concerns and cannot see why he is acting like this and he should not push you away, I know I did not like being made a fuss of and still don't so my wife just let me do my own thing. Even when I was suffering from depression I did not act like this, if he wants to do his own thing then let him as he will soon come running when he needs your help which I'm sure he will as the treatment progresses. As the other guys have said "you have not done anything wrong " so try not to take it personally but don't let him get away with his rude behavior, I could understand it if he was in pain or having side effects from any pain killers or drugs he might be having. Hang on in there as he will realise in the end how he behaved. I take my hat off to you people that care for your loved ones we don't realize how lucky we are being the patient so please look after yourself as well. Send hugs .

                                                                                       Chris x  

Thanks , it does seem out of character I will see how he is tomorrow and have a word if it continues 

This is not an easy time for you or your husband.

It is easy for your husband to put on a brave face short term for friends and family who are not there all the time but it is impossible for him to keep it up long term.

As you are there all the time he is showing you how he is really feeling although he may not be fully understanding why he is reacting the way he is.

His life has been turned upside down as has yours. His life before was certain and he knew where it was going. He is now in unchartered territory and needs time to adapt.

He is feeling scared and angry and it is showing in his shortness towards you.

You have to be patient as it will take some time for him to adjust. Explain to your husband that you are also finding it hard but will be there for him.

Give him some space and try to continue your life as normally as possible. He doesn't want continual inquiries about what is wrong with him and why is he acting like this as I am sure he doesn't know himself.

Your husband will eventually adapt although things may never be quite the same as before.

We have all had to adjust to our ‘new normal’.

Unfortunately when you are the one undergoing the cancer diagnosis and treatment you sometimes don’t fully consider how it is affecting your partner and become a bit self obsessed.

I used to think that it was all very well for my husband as he was in good health and did not understand how I was feeling. I didn’t consider how it was affecting him and how it was changing his life as well.

Being involved with this forum and speaking to others who have experienced cancer has been really helpful to me as I found out that others often felt the same as me and understood what I was going through.

Things definitely have improved for me over time and I feel really positive now and am able to do most of the things that I could before although it was not an easy journey.

Unfortunately you have to go through this hard time before you come out the other side but you and your husband will get there. Just hang on until that happens.

Good Luck

Lyn

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Hi curly

everybody else has chipped in with loads of reasons and they all apply. For your husband this is a truly frightening place to be and he is being defensive. 
My first reaction when my doctor actually told me I had cancer was that I had let my family down and stupidly I felt ashamed. When we got home I wouldn’t even take a hug from my husband. I went and told my bees I was dying. 
He did everything for me and I took that help reluctantly, sometimes truculently but I cane round in the end and we suffered and recovered together instead of apart. 
He’ll come round. 

PS. I notice that in one of your posts you said you would have a word. Please don’t take this the wrong way but if you do that you immediately make it about you and it’s not. It’s about him and he’s scared stiff and men aren’t scared are they?