Really struggling....

Welcome to the bowel group, just another group that you never expected to be part of  or join but here you are and strange as may sound we are pleased that you found your way to us and able to reach out to tell us about the journey you've been on.

I can see that you've already joined our Carers only forum and Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum groups both are full of people who are in a similar position to yourself and like all the Macmillans groups the members excel at giving support and willingly share their experience with you or just chat with you. No matter which group you post in you can come on in and have a rant or rave or just generally let off steam we will be here to listen to you and give you support.

Trying to keep down a job, running a home and caring for a loved one is not an easy task juggling everything around and finding that we are just chasing our tails is something we've not been prepared for.

I'm really not surprised that you're starting to crumble and feel the strain and wonder if you're getting any practical help from others to lighten your load, have you discussed with your employer your situation, depending on your job they might be able to help you out with working hours and conditions.

Our friends over in the  Maggies Centre are there to help both the patients and relatives and if you click on the green text you can find out if there is a centre close to you that you could pop into for some practical support and advice, you don't need to go with your partner you can on your own if you wish and you will be made very welcome and possibly help with the challenges that you are facing.

To cover all your bases we also have our Family and friends forum group which may be  of interest to you but the Carers only forum group is a good place to come to as all the members are the same as you, carers, and as it's only for carers you know that you will be amongst people just like you who have the responsibility of looking after a loved one and all the trials and tribulations that you are facing and can be of support to you. 

Please do keep posting on here in any of the groups, keep us informed of how you are and we will give you all the support we can when you need us. Do remember that we are here 7 days a week and there is usually someone around to answer you even in the wee sma' hours, you are not alone in this struggle we are always available for a chat.

Ian

Hi Monto

I'm so sorry you feel you're starting to crumble, and I know very well what you mean. The practical and mental challenges of daily life are made so much harder by the emotional background of facing such awful loss. Personally, I'm finding it important to face and acknowledge my own emotions, which I was mostly trying to deny / minimise in order to keep going. Letting myself feel my own pain, and giving myself space and forgiveness for that pain (which I feel guilty about as next to his own it seems trivial) does help. It feels like a pressure-cooking letting off steam, like I would blow up if I didn't vent it and let it out. I feel like I can't burden my partner with it of course, so I need to make time away from him so that I can safely let it out and then go back to him feeling a bit stronger again. I find that seeing a supportive friend who can let me talk is the best way for me, but sometimes it's just going for a walk and a cry on my own every couple of weeks. I can't advise on how to do it as we're all different and your life will be very different from mine, but trying to make some time so that you can cry or scream or rage or whatever your emotions are as you go along, might help to reduce the fear that you might crumble entirely.

Sending you a gentle and 'allowing' hug.

Ailsa

Hi Ian,

Thankyou so kindly for taking the time and trouble to reply,very much appreciated.

And with informative information,thankyou.

I may pop into Maggie's Centre next time we are in the hospital,wasn't aware it was for me too.

I try and manage to stay strong for my partner,as I always feel he has enough to cope with,and I feel guilty because I am not the one with the illness,so I shouldn't feel as I do,yet deep down,I know it is natural for the supporters and carers to be effected too.

Thankyou so much.

Very Best Wishes

Monto15

Morning Ailsa,

Thankyou for spending your time writing to me,it is appreciated.

I do have friends,and I know I can talk with them,anytime... But I find myself in my own little world really. I reply to their messages,but I don't always want to talk to them. However I am surrounded by people at work,and although it's a struggle to go,in my heart I know when I do,it is perhaps better for me,as it enables me to concentrate on other things and people for a while.

It's tough watching my partner go through this,but there are millions of us doing this,so I know I'm not alone.

Sending my Best Wishes to you,and thanks again.

Monto...

Take care Monto , it’s hard for sure. One day I felt fit for bursting . Another emergency admission left us propping up yet another hospital corridor. My son was young and needing his mum . A family passed by . The mum was having treatment with her parents supporting and her two kids walking behind her . As they disappeared up the corridor the little girl purposely popped her head back round and gave me a smile . It so lifted me up . We both had mum’s with cancer but she was only about ten and I a grown woman still finding it hard to process. What must have it been like for her yet she made contact with me . I never again underestimated the power of just a gesture . It can bring us through a difficult hour . 

Hope we can help lift you up on your difficult hours .

take care,

Court 

Awwww Court,

How difficult it is,and yes,how children cope, I don't know,so brave,so caring.

I could cry at the drop of a hat, just feeling sorry for myself today,and yet I shouldn't, I feel selfish saying that.

My partner is quite bright today,and he plods on (most of the time), when he struggles he does very well to try to hide it,not that he should,not good for him, BUT..  that's how he is... He lets his tears roll to music... 

Life never came with a handbook... We do our best to work out how to cope at our vunerable times...

Thankyou so much...

Xx

Hi Monto

I know exactly how you are feeling.  Long story short, my partner was diagnosed in November 2018 with bowel cancer and liver mets.  He had bowel surgery in January this year followed by six lots of chemo, then a liver resection in July with 60% being removed and he's currently having more chemo.  We've recently been told he has cancer in his thyroid as well which apparently is unconnected to the other two and have a meeting with ENT in November to find out more.  Also, my mum has recently had surgery for lung cancer.

It has been, and still is, a massive rollercoaster of emotion, constant worry and stress.  I run a home and work full time.  I feel so guilty about being stressed and tired as I'm not the poorly one having the treatment.  It's so hard trying to be positive all the time and I'm seriously considering asking my GP if she will sign me off as I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time.  People keep telling me to talk to somebody about it, but talking about it won't make it all stop so what's the point.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.  

I hope you start to feel better soon x

Hi Nicsmrs

Thankyou so much, sadly somebody in such a similar situation to me...

That is EXACTLY what I call this journey,a rollercoaster!

I have been so so low this morning, crying etc, BUT.... I have made myself do just a couple of jobs around the house,and showered, washed my hair etc,all with I feel a lead weight body,if that makes any sense... And I have stopped my crying,and into another hour, I'm a little bit better...

Life is so tough,and yes I feel so guilty... My or as you say our partners are the ones with this terrible desease, but it's bound to effect us when we are on the side of them soaking everything up too.

I mean it with the best intention,but nice to know I'm not alone.

I had left this site alone for quite sometime after joining, wondering if it actually made me feel worse, talking about it,but that was then and this is now,and I'm glad I've come back to it.

I know what you mean about not wanting to actually talk to people though,my friends all are willing to chat,but I actually don't want to keep going over and over what is happening, even though they are trying to help. It doesn't always. Though happy to chat on here...

Hope I haven't waffled on too much,and you understand..

Thankyou for taking the time and trouble to message me, very appreciated.

Big hugs to you and your partner.

Xx