Cancer Ghosting

I get the ‘ you look fine ‘ bit as I get that now with my other health complaints.That is frustrating.With cancer I was gaunt especially in the face so it was obvious I was seriously ill.x

I think I have been very lucky with nobody ghosting me at all. It must be very upsetting. But I do so agree re comments.  I cannot bear platitudes. "I'm sure you'll be one of the lucky ones" "You're looking well so the treatment is obviously working". The worst is one friend who keeps saying "I have a strong sense that you will beat this". I guess they think they are being helpful but my pragmatic, practical mind finds it supremely irritating. They don't KNOW any more than I do! Medically or clairvoyancy-wise! I prefer reality.. acknowledgement that it's a journey with an uncertain outcome. I am sanguine and take each step as it comes. I have no power over it. I prefer the company of people who are happy to accept what is, is.. and let me talk openly about my treatments and thoughts if I wish to (only occasionally) and otherwise to help me get on with enjoying normal life. I find humour helpful, even dark humour. Friends who can laugh along with me are the best of all! 

I quite agree with the humour. I'd just come out of hospital and was staying with son-in-law and daughter. They'd planned to watch a film and I was flapping a bit with my new stoma, trying to get the bag to stick etc. My daughter was being very helpful to me. So I called down to him, 'won't be long, we're just sorting out my plumbing.' 

He thought I was 'being brave'. I wasn't but after we all laughed I calmed down, the bag stuck and the film was very good.

Black humour is even better. One old friend met me on my return to literature classes after 2 terms absence with a big smile on her face saying, 'lovely to see you, I thought you were a goner.' I laughed and said, 'not yet!' That broke the ice and everyone came and hugged me.

I couldn't have got to this point without humour and it cheers us all up.

All the best,

Latestart

Don't you think that maybe they're saying it for themselves? People are still so scared of cancer that they want to believe it's all over quickly once we've had the op or whatever. I'd say there's a fair bit of superstition behind all this sort of talk.

All the best,

Latestart

I think so... fear is mostly behind these reactions. Or sometimes a misguided desperation to "cheer you up"!

I'm also experiencing it now no one rings or texts to see how I am if I do talk to some friends and say IV another hospital appointment they don't ask me when IV been or how I am , and some friends would of thought would be there for arnt

I never knew it was ghosting ? Well now I know x

I think age has a lot to do with it. If your friends had seen serious illness before like most of mine (we're 60s to 80s) then they can relate a bit. I try only to relate fairly positive stuff though, because while it's all-consuming to me, my health isn't necessarily of great interest to others. They have their own hospital stuff or the kids or grand kids do. Family have helped me - they've lived through it, with others it's the big stuff only - diagnosis, chemo starts, finishes,  date of operation, all clears. And with everyone I show a cheerful face if at all possible

I hear places like Maggie's Centres are good for people to talk to. Maybe there is one near you.

And we're here.

All the best,

Latestart

The other thing I struggle with is people always seem to want answers on how things are going, asking daft questions like is it working this time? 

No matter how many times I've explained I'll have this treatment and then be in for a rigid custoscooy after the last one and then wait for the results before I will know if its had any effect. 

They all seem to think we know more than we actaully do even when you've explained a zillion times it's an unknown until you know anything. 

Maggies is brilliant…I’ve been on a few courses there…really helped me..

plus if you just want to pop in for a chat that’s ok…also friends and family can also go in for a chat to help them understand….

I think that’s all of us Simon…when ever I say I’m starting my next set of BCG, the answer is normally “I thought you had finished with that” I tend not to bother explaining it all now, I just say yep I’m fine thank you…and carry on…