The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
FormerMember
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Hi Patricia, Your nights sound like mine i just can't shut off either and can't sleep till late and then in the morning you feel awful, i have a sore head tonight and i am sure it's just tiredness but i know i would not sleep just now but must try and go to bed earlier as working tomorrow and Sat (it's no fun this not sleeping) I have been to my daughters for my dinner tonight i go every Thurs. I do hope your son has a nice birthday or as best he can as they are hurting as well in all this. Don't think my son's birthday will ever be the same to him as his dad went into hospise on his birthday last year. It will be nice for you to see him on Sunday. Do you live on your own or to you have family who still live with you? I am on my own and i find it very hard but nothing i can do about it just have to plod on. Well better go and get a cup of tea and then get off to bed and see if i can sleep. Take Care Fiona xx
FormerMember
Well, today is my eldest son's birthday. I wrote and sent his card yesterday but knowing that I was not going to be able to put his dad's name on it alongside mine, I chickened out and just wrote " Love always x x x". I know that he will realise what I was up to but this is the second time now that I have done this. The first time was on the mother's day card for ray's mum. I just found it too hard to do. Silly I know but I am not quite sure who I am protecting, my family or myself. Yesterday evening I went out with my youngest son and his girlfriend to listen to some jazz music and it was really enjoyable.
Yet another late night and broken sleep. This morning I was exhausted and decided to stay in bed as I had nothing pressing to do. I did fall asleep for a good half hour and strangely woke up feeling much, much better.
A letter arrived today from the department for works and pension dated 24th March 2009. What on earth is that about? I do not understand what they are talking about in this letter so do I ignore it, ring them up or get my daughter to sort it for me?? So confused.
I hope that you all had a better day and a restful night.
Love and Angel hugs x x Patricia x x
FormerMember
Today it is 20weeks since my darling Ray lost his fight for life. It was one of the worst days of my life. I miss him so very, very much and I cannot imagine ever feeling any different. How can I when we spent so much time together. The crying still happens unexpectedly and I do try to control it but not very successfully. I have just returned from a visit with my son and we went out for a meal to celebrate his birthday which was on Friday. It was a difficult at times as we were all missing Ray's presence. Ray made every family gathering special with his own unique brand of humour. He is however always present in our thoughts and our conversation. Not a day goes by without we are talking about him for some reason. So Ray, if you can see this I want you to know that we all love you very much and still use your pearls of wisdom to get us through the days. I will love you always and forever Ray x x xLove your heartbroken wife Patricia x x x
FormerMember
Hi Patricia, I do know how hard it is i had one of the worst day yesterday i just cried all day i felt so alone then i ended upsetting my daughter as well, then went to my sisters and breaking down with them. Ended up at cemetary with flowers and howled there too. I just had to take diazapam to get through the day. Been a bit better today as had work to take my mind off things. I am sure Ray was there with you when you went out for dinner, the doctor that looked after Derek at home has been like an angel to me since he died and she is not my doctor just a good friend now says Derek is always in my pocket no matter where i am. Well i better get off to bed and see how i sleep tonight. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
Fiona-I love the thought that Derek will be in our pocket wherever you go!!i think it is important that we feel that our loved ones are still close to us I have a phot of Dad in nearly every room and I keep talking to him,telling him how much I love and miss him and always will the pain is endless its nearly three weeks,but it feels like yesterday!! Keep strong knowing that love never fades and he will be in your heart and mind always.
Patricia-get your daughter to sort out any forms or letters you find difficult it will make her feel useful, we daughters like to feel needed!I acn only imagine the pain and loneliness you are feeling,its a terrible expeience to lose your loved one,my Mums is still in shock ....we both feel like hes on a fishing holiday and will be back soon....its almost as if we cant cope with the reality its too bloody painful!!I cant imagine a night when I will sleep again or a day where I wont cry....
Sending love and strength to you both and your families Debbie x
FormerMember
Debbie, thank you for reading this thread. Three weeks is very early days yet and it must be very raw for you and your mum. I know what you mean about feeling as though your dad is on a 'fishing trip'. Ray spent 13 months in New Zealand so I was here without him. At the moment although I know he is gone I am afraid that after this first year I will go to pieces all over again when he obviously doen't return (sounds crazy I know). I have been reading this letter that arrived and it looks as though it got lost in the system because the letters it is supposed to refer to were dated 'after' this one. Good job it was nothing I had to reply to in order to get financial help isn't it? Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. I am going to ask my daughter to look it over though just in case. She has enough on her plate at the moment but has sorted previous paperwork for me in a very efficient way (and I know she doesn't mind). Helen, I am sure your sisters will understand but we give ourselves such a hard time for getting upset when in actual fact it is quite normal and natural to do so. I like the idea that they are inb our pockets although it could be quite disturbing too lol. Love and Angel Hugs x x Patricia x x
FormerMember
I have had a couple of reasonably good days but today I have got up feeling so deeply sad and miserable. I don't know why because I have lots of people around me and lots going on at the moment. I am returning to work tonight and am a little anxious about that but not enough to make me feel how I do right now. I guess I am still going through the relatively early stages of loss and just have to go with it. Yesterday I had to visit a bank and was bombarded with information about making a will. Every where I go there seems to be someone who is hellbent on making me face 'death' related issues. I don't want to talk about things like that when I am out because I just do not want to risk breaking down in tears. These are well meaning people and only doing their job but for goodness sake why can't they take 'no thank-you' as an answer. I am still having to explain to outsiders why I need to change or no longer do things that were previously part of my life. Mail is still arriving for Ray which I thought had been cancelled. How can people be so cruel. I am missing Ray so much it hurts and I now don't know if I am feeling physically or psychologically unwell. I am so confused by it all and feel so out of control. Hopefully this will resolve soon (I can only hope). x x Patricia x x
FormerMember
Hi Patricia, Sorry not been on for a few days, it was a year on Fri since my mum died so not had a good week i feel i never really grieved for my mum as Derek was ill and i needed to look after him and keep strong for him as well. I never thought for one minute i could survive without my mum let alone Derek as well. My nephew's wife's mum died suddenly yesterday so alas more heartache for our faamily and another funeral to attend. I have spent a lot of time with my dad this week, The only thing i am looking forward to is being a granny for the first time on Dec, (hope all goes well for my daughter) Well better go and do some housework , but no washing out here today as very wet. Speak soon. Take Care Fiona xxxxxx
FormerMember
Hi Fiona, I can appreciate just what a difficult time you are having. To lose your mum at whatever age is heartbreaking. We know it will happen at some point but are never quite prepared for the impact it will have on our lives. It is 2years and 4 months since my mum died and we all miss her terribly. Dad goes to her resting place every Sunday and probably other days too. So sorry for the news of another family loss. So hard to take in especially when you are still grieving yourself. Congratulations on the forthcoming birth (I hope everything progresses well). The last few days have been very hard for me and I am crying indiscriminately. One second I will be laughing and then an overwhelming feeling of sadness descends upon me. I neither know nor care why this happens, I just know that it does. I suspect it is the same for my family too but they are loathe to admit or show it. It is 21 weeks today since Ray died and it seems like a bad dream and that at some point I will wake up. Of course I know that this is not true and is just wishful thinking on my part. Take care Fiona and hope the next fews days are a little better for you x x Love and Angel Hugs x x Patricia x x
FormerMember
Hi Patricia, How are you doing? What weather we are having tonight just like winter, some of Derek's workmate was meant to playing a golf tournament tomorrow in memory of Derek but it's been cancelled so have to be played another day. I know what you mean about a bad dream, i still think Derek will walk through the door but i know that is never going to happen. Well i had a bad night last night and watched tv most of the night i ended up taken a diazapam to see if that would help me sleep. I just don't seem able to shut off and i nver seem to sleep all night now i am waken on and off all night. Well better go and see how i get on tonight as i am shattered. Speak soon. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxx
