The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten

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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Patricia

    I just wanted to drop you a line to say - I understand and I offer hugs and sympathy. My husband died 6 weeks ago. Everything you describe is how I feel.

    My thoughts are with you.

    PrincessP

  • Princess, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I have just read your profile and feel so, so sorry for your great loss. Life is indeed so unfair at times and has robbed you and your dear husband of the life you should have been able to enjoy together. I am saddened more and more each day by the sad stories I hear. I never imagined there were so many cancers. I am a little bit further down the line than you but am happy to offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I still cry every day but not all the time. I do have some times of laughter but find the strangest things will set me off crying. Take care love. Thinking of you at this time. Patricia x
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    foreveryours

    I have heard people say "I feel your pain", usually in some crappy holywood film but in this case it is true. I am still feeling lost after the death of the love of my life too. She was everything to me, we didn't need anyone else but now she just seems reduced to bits of paper.

    I was trying not to show my tears in the local Jobcentre today. I had to take birth, marriage, death certificates, etc.. in to be photocopied so I can send them off for yet another form filling exercise. I just looked at the certificated on the desk and thought; my beautiful darling is this what you have come to just a pile of paper. I was fairly upbeat today until that moment. Luckily the lady in the office had finnished and I was able to scoop the paperwork up and go back to the car where I sat sobbing. I know it is ridiculous because she is still with us in our hearts and all our wonderful memories but i just want to hold her again.

    Your words at the end of your post touched me - again it is exactly how I feel. I have a pendant Jane gave me at Christmas, our last one together, she had it engraved with the words "love you forever". I really feel, like you do, by the sound of it, that she was the one, the only one, and I will never be able to replace her. In more positive moments I try to remind myself that it was better to have loved her, and been loved by her, for such a short time than never to have met her.

  • My dear marrsy, Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am guessing from your reply that you have just begun this journey of grief. Let me first say I am so sorry for your sad loss. I felt at the beginning (when taking Ray's name off household bill's etc) as though I was erazing him from the world. It seems as thought the world conspires to make you feel more and more despondant due to the beurocratic form filling we have to endure. Why, when we are so grief ridden this has to happen is beyond my comprehension. You will find that it take months of traumas before things are finally settled. The people we have to deal with are so used to people getting upset that it must become something of normality in their daily lives but it is the people they are dealing with (us) who get most distressed by our emotions.
    Ray is, was and always will be a major part of my life. We as a family talk about him every single day. At first it is very scary as it is easy to think that people are going to be forgotten. This will never happen. Ray was a larger than life character and only today I received a letter from a friend of his in Australia who I had written to about Ray's death. It was such a lovely letter and I know that he will never be forgotten even all those thousands of miles away. I am so touched and comforted by this thought.
    Take marrsy and if I can offer you any support either emotionally or with advice then I am happy to do so. Remember, it is ok to cry it is ok to laugh it is ok to feel as thought you want to be alone. It is not ok to wallow in yiur grief. This is not helpful to you and only makes you feel more miserable. Oooh so bossy aren't I? But I hope you understand what i am trying to say.
    Patricia x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Everyone,
    Just been reading all the posts, i am also going through the same, you just don't realise that there is so many people hurting like i am. I have some great friends who have been there for me the last few months but nobody really knows what it's like unless they are going through the same. It's not only coping with the grief but all the paperwork that you have to do as well.I have found it hard as my husband done everything like bills etc. There is not a day goes passed but i have a cry, just never thought i would ever have to go through this. I lost my mum, mum in law, and my husband in six months.
    Take Care Everyone x



  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Everyone,
    Just been reading all the posts, i am also going through the same, you just don't realise that there is so many people hurting like i am. I have some great friends who have been there for me the last few months but nobody really knows what it's like unless they are going through the same. It's not only coping with the grief but all the paperwork that you have to do as well.I have found it hard as my husband done everything like bills etc. There is not a day goes passed but i have a cry, just never thought i would ever have to go through this. I lost my mum, mum in law, and my husband in six months.
    Take Care Everyone x



  • Hello Fiona, thank you for reading my post. I too cry every day and sometimes several times in a day. I expect this to happen but it takes you by surprise some days doesn't it. I am sorry to read that you lost so many people in such a short space of time. This is one of my fears. That other family members will pass. I lost my mum two years ago and I miss her terribly.
    I talk to Ray every single day and when I have been out I briefly tell him what I have done and whether I enjoyed it. I probably sound like a nutter but it helps me to get through. At the moment I am going through feeling guilty for being alive when he is no longer here and also for going places without him. This is a normal part of the grieving process I know but it is still so very hard to deal with.
    So far I have been through a) numbness in the initial stages, b) disbelief that he had actually gone, c) despair and longing - despair that I am now on my own and can no longer see, feel and hear him and longing that he was back here with me (but not in pain) d) absolute and infinite sadness that I no longer have him here and just not knowing how I can ever live without him, and now e) feeling guilty for living and going places when he is no longer here to do so. I have no idea how many more emotions I will travel through but I guess there will be a fair few to come. Throughout all this I cry, I laugh, I am sad, I am happy. I find it hard to comprehend how I can go through so many emotions and sometimes all in one day.
    Take care x x Patricia xx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Patricia,
    Thanks for replying to me, you have You have wrote your post so well as i can relate to all you have written. Yes it just takes you by surprise at times and you just break down no matter where you are. How do you sleep at nights? I am terrible not sleeping to late and waken a lot through the night was taking diazapam at start but trying hard not to get to use to them. I also talk to Derek and tell him what has been going on so i must be a nutter as well but if it helps us then why not. I am away to see The Eagles tomorrow night with my daughter this was my 50th birthday present from my son and daughter so going to stay the night in Glasgow. They were Derek's favourite band so think be very emotional (wish he could have been there with us. ) What you up to this weekend?
    Take Care
    Fiona x



  • Hi Fiona, this weekend I have been for dinner at my sister's house. She had asked dad as a late father's day treat (she was on holiday on the actual date). To-day I went to the Sunday service at church but other than that I have not really done anything much. I have no particular interest in doing anything. That does not mean I stay home all the time. I do go out and I do have a good time but somehow it is tainted by knowing that Ray is not here to share it with. I hope that you enjoyed the concert and your visit to Glasgow. I expect that you shed a few tears during the concert or at some point during the visit. It is so hard to do things without them and not become emotional. I find it strange that I can be seemingly happy and then just have tears streaming down my face (maybe I am just barking mad). You asked how I sleep. Not very well I am afraid. I can be extremely tired and so go to bed but then I find I am wide awake (not a new thing with me). When I do fall asleep however, I do not stay asleep. I can sleep for 30 mins to an hour and then wake again. This goes on all night so then come the morning I am exhausted. I therefore sometimes find myself not bothering to go to bed and that is not good. I am trying to take myself in hand and get into a more regular routine. hmmm........... I wish myself good luck with that lol. Today, I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness and have had this for the past week or more. I am generally a happy go lucky person but this seems to have deserted me at the moment. I have never been a particularly confident person either but this has knocked my confidence even further and I feel very vulnerable. Anyway, I hope you keep well. Take care x x Patricia x x
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Patricia,
    Nice to hear from you, you were right the concert was good but yes there was loads of tears, Derek would just have loved the concert. When we arrived just for a split second i thought i must phone Derek and tell him we have arrived safely and then bang it all comes back. What you up to this week ? Weather here today not good heavy showers so no need to water flowers tonight. I have been asked to my friends husbands 50th just at there house on Sat night but not ready to go to thinks where it's all couples, it's so hard even at the concert looking round at all the happy couples and realising you will never be like that again. My sleeping is just like yours it makes it such a long night. I also agree with you it does knock your confidence, i was off work for ten months and was so hard when i started again, although i just work in a children's shop. Well better go and get to bed and try and sleep working in the morning.Speak again soon.
    Take Care
    Fiona xx