The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
FormerMember
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Hello Fiona, I am so sorry the golf tournament has to be rescheduled but hope fully it will take place soon. I too watch or least look at the television well into the early hours in the hopes that I will fall asleep. It seems to be a common occurrence with the people who use the macmillan sites. Hope tonight is better for you. x x Love and Angel Hugs x x Patricia x
Not long in from a twilight shift and I hated every minute of it. I thought going back to work would be good for me but it only made me more miserable. I feel stupid and inadequate and so totally out of control of my own life. Simple things that I used to do without thinking about them, have been major trials. My colleagues have been amazing but I no longer feel part of the group. Somehow I have grown out of them all and cannot do with the trivialities with which they associate daily life. Maybe I am just getting old or perhaps turning into a grumpy old woman but somehow it all seems so pointless. This is making no sense but I just have to get it out. I forgot to do something this evening and that made me feels ridiculously ashamed of myself and I burst into tears. That was it then, the flood gates had opened and I just sobbed and sobbed (how embarassing). Normally I manage to save the real sobbing for when I am on my own. One of my colleagues seemed to feel the need to read a passage about grief and grieving from a book she is reading. She meant well but I just couldn't wait for her to finish. It meant nothing to me but I just sat politely and let her read it out. No point in being rude is there? Oh well, I guess I should try to get some sleep mmmmm.......... hope I manage it tonight. Take care all x x Patricia x x
Message to my darling Ray, I had a fair day yesterday. I was feeling a bit miserable and lost. Took our niece and her daughter Ruby shopping and we came across someone who was taking photos for a bay competition. Of course 'mummy' decided to have the little one photographed. It was hilarious as the lady was 'blowing raspberries' to make Ruby laugh. Ruby however just 'copied her it was soooooo funny. This was a lovely interlude in an otherwise miserable existence. I wanted to come home and share my day with you but of course you are no longer here in person are you. I keep thinking that I am getting a little better but of course the reality is I just feel so empty and alone. I am crying at the slightest thing. Sometimes I just sit and the tears fall for no reason I could possibly think of. I know deep down that it is because I am missing you so much. The question is, am I crying because you have died, because I am alonr or because we have been robbed of our life together? I feel I am crying for all these reasons but am crying for selfish reasons. I would not wish you here to suffer again because I know that you did, more than you ever let me know. But I would want you here because you were my rock, you were the voice of reason when I was being irrational, my support, my best friend, my lover, mu soulmate. I miss you more and more each day and although I put on a brave face as much as I can to our family and friends, I am falling into a deep pit of despair and am trying so hard not to fall any deeper. I know that you were afrais of this and didn;t want me to be lost or alone but it is inevitable that this is happening. How can you been with someone for so long and not feel this way. I understand a little more now how dad felt when mum died. But what can I do to make it better? I can't bring you back, I can't turn back the clock to the days before you got ill. So, I have to fight each day to get through these feelings of despair and hopelessness. I will do that for you because I love you so much and need to continue to show you how much. For you I will persevere and I will come out at the other side. I will love you always and forever x xyour heartbroken wife x x Patricia x x p.s. rest in peace my darling and give my love to mum and the little one x x
Hi Patricia, What you have wrote to Ray so relates to how i feel, and wonder what life is all about but like you we have to carry on as thats what our husbands would have wanted. I have had a rough few days yet another family funeral and it brings it all back it was actually the same day as we had buried my mum last year. Golf has been played now and although very emotional it was nice to see all Derek's workmates again and they were all very nice to me and my family. Kim managed to hand the cup over to the winner i could not do it, she done so well and i am so proud of her. I have nothing planned fot the weekend but working tomorrow so that that takes care of Sat so just Sun and i should really do some houswork but i will wait and see what weather is like not been good today lots of rain and even cold. What is your job? I know work is not easy but i think it was the best for me to get back as i had been off for ten months and i just hate being in the house on my own. Well better get off to bed and see if i can sleep tonight and i will speak again soon. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fiona, I hope that you managed to get a little sleep at least. I am glad that the golf tournament went well and in days to come that memory will sustain you. You ask what my job is.. well believe it or not I work as a nurse on night duty at the local hospital. I used to love my job but now it is just a means to an end. I was getting a little this way before Ray died but now I know for definite that I have had enough of it. It is so hard to care for others when you don't care about yourself. Today is another 'sad' day. I am sitting here writing this with tears falling down my cheeks for no apparent reason. I just feel such overwhelming sadness again and cannot see an end to it (not sure I want to either). Because whilst I feel this sadness at least I know I am still feeling something. I do however wonder if the sadest days coincide with the nights when I have had the least amount of sleep, or if they would have happened anyway. I have lots of things I should be doing in the home but am too apathetic to be bothered. I need to drag myself out of it and make myself do things. But what is the point, there is no-one to bother whether or not I have vacced the carpets or washed the dishes or done the ironing or made the bed. Who cares?? Not me. Except that I know I should care for my own self esteem and pride. I need to sort myself out before I fall deeper into that pit. Hmmm.... easier said than done. Anyway, take care x x Love and Angel hugs x x Patricia x x
Well, it is now 22 weeks and 1 day since Ray died. It gets no easier because I can't have him back. I will love him always and forever and nothing and no-one will ever change that. Today has been better than the past few but then I have kept myself busy. I got a phone call from the local hospice telling me about a new support group which is starting in October for people who have lost their spouses at a younger than expected age. I think I will give it a go although by the time it starts I may feel differently. So Ray, if you can see this you will know that I am making a huge effort to get back to some kind of normal life although my life will never be normal again, just different. Love always and forever, x x x Patricia x x x
Hi Patricia, Glad to hear your day has been a bit better, we just seem to have ups and downs, I have not been to bad today but kept busy at work as new stock in now. Didn't have a good Sun i don't know what it is about a Sun but i just seem to cry off and on all day, i do try and keep busy. My daughter is going away for a few days tomorrow the first since her dad died and we are both dreading it as i see her everyday but she has her life to get on with as well. My son just up the road from me so i can get him if i need someone. I think it is getting harder as more time goes passed it makes it more real that our loved ones are not coming back and this is our life now. O i am starting to cry now so better get off to my bed and see if i can sleep. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxx
Hope you are coping ok Fiona with your daughter being away. It is hard when you can't just contact them for a chat as you normaly would. Crying is the strangest thing isn't it. One second ok the next in floods of tears. We must seem very odd to onlookers. My sister and I were in a coffee bar today and ended up talking about Ray and poor love she just broke down in tears (he was more like a brother than an in-law to my sisters). We both ended up crying and blamed it on the coffee lol. I (and everyone in my family) miss Ray's sharp and sarcastic wit. He was what made our social gatherings fun. Now it is just not the same. Oh heck now look. Here come the tears. Good night God bless hope you sleep well. I will try to sleep the best I can. Love and angel hugs. x x Patricia x x
Well I am the most useless being. Only damaged the car in the supermarket underground carpark. It is I expect going to cost me a fortune. How stupid I feel. So embarassed I took it straight to the garage. Wasn't having that parked outside my house. Ray, you would have said I was silly but never mind it is only a car. I was more upset because it is OUR car and I don't want to have to part with it unless I really have to. Silly I know but it is just like losing another part of you. Oh dear now I am crying again. So silly and futile but then you know what a softie I have always been. Seems like the pattern is set then, two days of not feeling too bad followed by a day of tears and extreme sadness and lonliness. Love always and forever x x x Patricia x x x
Hi Patricia, Sorry to hear you had a bump with your car it's easy done. There was one parked outside the shop yesterday and it's handbrake couldn't not have been on right and it run back in to another one. As you say it's just a car so don't worry. My day not been too bad work keeps me busy and my daughter will be back tonight at some point not heard from them yet so will see her tomorrow. I know what you mean about crying it seems to just come out of nowhere i find night time the worst climbing the stairs at night i am usually crying before i get to the top. Well better go and get ironing away done it earlier but hate putting it away. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx
