The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
FormerMember
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Dear Ray, how can it be that it is over three years since you were taken from me. I miss you so much it is unbearable. It is not the raw and ovewhelming grief I felt at the beginning. Instead what I have now is great sadness which never leaves me. Oh I put it 'away' at times but it is always, there ready to envelope me when I least expect it.
I just want to update you on the family. Our beautiful granddaughter (you would have adored her) is such a delight. she is 22 months old now and a real character. S is doing well at his job and although he works long hours, seems to enjoy his lovely family.
J has secured a new post which she has been in since July and seems to enjoy it. Her and M are travelling at the moment (she got your desire for travel). At present they are in Perth WA so I told her she had to visit the black swans in your honour.
R is learning to drive and will soon be taking his test. He is a safe driver and when I sit with him for driving practice I am very comfortable with him in the driving seat.
Your mum will be 80 on Friday and we are planning a surprise party for her. I just wish you could be here to help her to celebrate. (I am sure you will be by my side though).
Well that is all for now. I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife. Patricia xxx
My darling Ray, here I am again to update you on the family news. R has finally passed his driving test and is happily using his new skill. He has also got a new job doing more of the type of work he wants to do. J has now got work closer to home and is making a real difference to people's lives. She seems happy enough but misses you dreadfully (she was always a daddy's girl). S has become a daddy again to a beautiful little girl. She was born on 22nd Nov. Her big sister who is not yet 3 loves her and 'helps' her mummy and daddy to look after her.
Sadly, your mum passed away on the 11 December at the age of 81 after a year of illness and worry. Your brothers are so lost and are looking to me to be 'their big sister'. I am doing what I can to help them.
As for me, I retired from work this year. A year earlier than planned but I did it anyway. I am pleased not to be going there anymore but the sadness is that you are not here to enjoy retirement with me.
We think about you each and every day and talk about you often.
Missing you more than you could ever imagine. I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife. Patricia xxxxx Lots of love to you in Heaven. xxx
p.s. Our son is a wonderful daddy to his children. Just like you were to him. xxxx
My darling Ray, I still miss you more than you would ever imagine. It is hard to believe that it is now 5 years and 2 months since you left this life. This evening I have been in floods of tears because I miss you so dreadfully. Our two little granddaughters are amazing. Kanon is now 3 years and 4 months and absolutely loves life. She is at the stage where everything you say is answered with "why?". Kokone is just over 5 months old and has now started to giggle when she is tickled. S is amazing with them. K calls on me to help her which is lovely for me. J and M keep trying to get buy a new house but just missing out. R and L are going on holiday on Saturday so I hope they have a good time. Your brother is retiring this month so I am hoping he will be a little less stressed after that. You have a new great niece and a new great nephew and they are gorgeous.
We all miss you so much and still find it hard that you are not here with us. I wonder will this ever end?
Leaving you now with all my love always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife Patricia xxxx
It is a beautiful day today. You would have had us out walking in the Dales or some other beautiful place. Well, here is the family news.... Your brother A has now retired but I am not sure he is enjoying it. I suppose having worked full time, it would be difficult for him to fill his time. He is missing you so much it is heartbreaking to see the 'pain' in his eyes. Your brother M is just the same as always. He also misses you but seems to cope so much better. Our beautiful granddaughters get more beautiful by the day. The elder one is so chatty and so confident. You would be extremely proud of her. The younger one is now standing up so I suspect that she will soon be walking. As for our three, S,K and the girls are going to Japan in 10 days time and whilst they are there, S will be doing the Osaka Marathon. Also, our eldest granddaughter will be in Japanese nursery for 2 1/2 weeks so that she can improve her Japanese. M & J have now bought a new house which they are planning to 'do up' before they move in. Interesting times. R & L seem to be doing ok so I am pleased about that. As for me, I have started doing more activities in an attempt to get fitter. Mmmm.... let's see how that works out. I still wish you were here and find it hard to deal with at times especially last week when it was your birthday.
I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife, Patricia xxxxx
Today it is 6 years since you passed away. I miss you more than words could describe. I still feel that we were cheated of the life we should now be living together. I try so hard to live a useful life but some days it just all seems so pointless. I would never tell that to the family though.
Today we all met up and went to your special place to take flowers and remember you on your anniversary day. We remember you every day but always try to make this day extra special. Our beautiful grandchildren were gorgeous as ever and extremely well behaved when we took them to the restaurant.
Missing you more than ever today. I will love you always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife, Patricia xxxxxx
I still miss you more than you or I could have ever imagined. Since I last posted your lifelong friend has also passed away suddenly. Such a shock to everyone not least his lovely children. They have been amazing and showed great courage and dignity at his funeral.
Now for family news. Our eldest son and his family are moving back to live closer to the rest of the family. Hopefully that will happen by September. That will be lovely as I shall get to see them and the children a lot more. Our daughter has at last secured what she calls her 'dream job' which she will start next month. I hope it is all she expects it to be. Her new house is coming along nicely and she should be living in it by the end of the summer. Our youngest son is also doing ok. He has been trying to get his house looking more modern and is quite a dab hand with some diy projects. As for myself, I am slowly getting our house under control. For too long I let it get out of hand and it started to get me down. Sooo... from time to time I sort through things and then the charity shops have a field day with all the things I take to them.
I shall close now but will say I love you always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife, Patricia xxx xxx
I can't believe it is so long since I posted on here. It is now 8 years 5 months and 10 days since you left this life. I still miss you desperately but do try to keep my emotions under control. However, at times it is just too overwhelming. Both your 'sisters' (sil) are still openly devastated by your passing. We all talk about you often and say how unfair it was that you were taken so young.
Family news.... S and K moved back here with their girls and I am now very much involved with their lives. Oue eldest son S reached 40 this year. How on earth did that happen?? Kanon is now 6 1/2 and such a lovely little girl. We recently went on a little holiday to Scarborough (just her and me). You would be very proud of her... she is a great walker and never complains. We averaged 8 to 9 miles a day. Kokone is now 3 and is so chatty. I look after her a couple of days a week and she often talks about you (she sees your photos and asked who you were). It is heartbreaking sometimes as she in all innocence talks about how 'grandad died and can't come home anymore'. Sometimes I find it very hard to hold myself together when she says this. You would have adored both girls and seen what a good job S and K are doing in bringing them up to be polite and caring young people. J and M are both doing well. They have been i their house for almost 2 years now and made a very good job of the renovations. J has an interview for new job next week so fingers crossed for her. They are going on a trip to Australia in November so are both looking forward to that. R and L seem to be doing ok. L got a new job a few weeks back so things are looking up for her at last. R seems to enjoy his job so I guess that is all I can ask. I myself am getting on with life to the best of my ability. Earlier in the year I thought my mobility was compromised but it turned out to be treatable. I am seeing a physiotherapist or should I say physioterrorist because that is what they are. She is lovely really and has helped me a lot. Your brothers will be 60 this year. It doesn't seem that long since your mum was 60 and excited to get her bus pass.
Today is the day that Ivan's daughter Helen gets married. It will be a difficult day for her as several family members will be missing from the celebrations. Her dad (who passed 2 years and 4 months ago), her uncle David (who passed earlier this year) and her maternal grandmother. She has asked her Uncle Stewart to step in and give her away. She is a lovely girl and I wish her a long and happy marriage. So, if you and Ivan are in touch I hope you are going to raise a glass in celebration.
Well, after all this rambling I shall sign off and leave you in peace. Keeping you in my thoughts today as always my darling.
Love always and forever my love. Your heartbroken and devastated wife Patricia xxx xxx
It is 10 years 3 months and 12 days since you left us. Where has the time gone? We all miss you as much as ever. Our two granddaughters are now 8 and 5 and absolutely adorable. You would have had such fun with them. They can of course be a handful at times but what child isn't. I wish you could have been here to meet them and enjoy being with them. They talk about you as if they knew you which is lovely.
I have been doing a lot of walking lately which I know would have pleased you as you loved going walking. I find different places to walk but make sure I am never walking alone in remote areas.
Our three are all getting on well and seem to be doing ok. We all meet up regularly and they always include me in outings which is lovely.
Andrea was seriously ill in November and for 3 months her life was in the balance. It was a really scarey time for us all and we are just grateful that she is now on the mend. Poor love, she has 'lost' 3 months of her life as she has no idea what has happened apart from what we tell her. She still has a long way to go but her strength and determination is amazing. She had to learn to walk, talk and eat again.
Anyway, that is all for now. I miss you just as much now as I did at the start and wish I could have you here with me but not to be in pain.
Love always. Foreveryours, your devastated wife, Patricia xx xx xx xx xx
I miss you so much it hurts. It feels so wrong that you were taken from us and the life you should be living was denied to you (and to me).
Dear Ray, it is now 12 years 7 months and 28 days since you had to leave us. I still miss you so much it hurts. I don't cry all the time anymore but some days and overwhlming sadness envelops me and tears spring to my eyes.
Oh my word, so many things have happened since I last posted here. My sister A is now doing really well after her devastating and traumatic illness. She is such a determined lady (just like my mum was). Last year the whole world was hit by a devastating pandemic the likes of which we have never seen before. The whole country was put into lockdown and we were instructed by the government about the restrictions to our daily living. Shops were closed. People had to work from home if possible. The NHS was under siege with extremely ill people who were dying at an allarming rate). We are still in pandemic status and this does not look to be lifted any time soon. It is at times like these that I am thankful that you are not here to suffer the potential consequences.
Your beautiful grand-daughters are growing up to be amazing human beings. They are now 10 years 9 months and 7 years 11 months old. They talk about you often even though they never actually met you in person. They know that when I buy white roses they are for you. They have recently started asking more questions about you too. See... I told you they would know about you.
Our three and their partners seem to be doing ok so we have nothing to worry about there.
I have finally got around to planning a new bathroom and am waiting for the bathroom fitter to tell me when he can do the work. It will be hard to let go of the old bathroom as you were the one who did the tiling etc.
This year I have also had to buy a new cooker (that was traumatic as you know how long it takes me to decide). Then the fridge/freezer packed up (the onde we bought together so many years ago) so I had to buy a new one of those too. Last night I had a rare dream and I dreamt that someone had come into the house and stolen the new fridge/freezer.... I was so relieved when I discovered it was just a dream.
I have started an oline exercise programme which is aimed at older people and is designed to help increase strenth and mobility. (It is run by some physio's from Australia and they really make the workouts fun.
Well that is all the news for now my love.
Miss you more than you could ever imagine. Love always and forever, your still devastated wife Patricia (until we meet again) xx
