Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Hi Patricia, Well hope you have had a nice birthday today, i have not been to bad today just kept busy. Had my son down helping me again as getting a new carpet laid in bedroom tomorrow hate having to depend on him but i am sure he doesn't mind and what else can i do. Still been a bit weepy today but managed to be ok when he was down as i don't want him to worry about me. Went to my dad's for tea tonight my sister makes it and brings it round, so that passed sometime for me this evening. Well better get off to bed now and see if i can sleep. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxx
Hi Helen, It is hard for our family no matter what age they are, My daughter talks a lot more as well and we often have a cry but my son is differant and keeps everything in, he texts me everynight at bedtime to see i am ok and he said last night he hated leaving me yesterday when i was so upset and wished things could be back to normal. You forget sometimes they are hurting as well. Derek would be so proud too at how they are looking after me. We just have to keep strong although hard at times i know for our family . Take Care Fiona xxxxx
Hello Helen, I am glad to hear that at last your son is showing how he feels. It is so hard for you all but for some reasons boys seem the think they shouldn't cry and be upset. My husband also told me I should 'not be alone or lonely' how could he say such a thing. He was and is my one and only. No-one could ever come close to him in my eyes and no-one ever shall.(I won't let them). Fiona, I am pleased to see you had a slightly better day. Small steps are the best. One day at a time and hopefully you will soon .start to feel less overwhelmed. You both seems to have very loving families and that means such a lot these days.
I had a nice birthday which I spent with family. There were various times throughout the day when I was very weepy and most of those times were before mid-day. We went out for a family meal and everything was reasonably ok until the food came and then as I thanked them all for coming, I was suddenly overcome with grief and had to excuse myself for a few minutes to regain my composure. Everyone has been so lovely. The next hurdle is my son's birthday on the 17th but he lives away so I will be unable to give him the support he will need. He is such a sensitive soul and I fear that he will break down through all of this. I will be going to visit him on the following Sunday but that is not the same is it?
I need to go to bed now to try to get some sleep. x x Tricia x x
Hi Tricia, Glad you had a nice birthday although a bit weepy i was also the same as i didn't think at 50 i would be celebrating it on my own. I see by your post you are late in bed as well it is not easy trying to sleep i never use to have a problem sleeping but now it's terrible and then i seem to yawn all day. I have had a few visitors in tonight so passed the night for me. Well think i will go and have an early night and read my book for awhile. Take Care Fiona x
Hello Fiona, I hope that you managed to get a better night's sleep. I was so exausted that I did actually get a few hours. I appear to have lost a day out of my life because I have no idea what I did yesterday. Does this mean I am losing my mind or just getting old?? My niece had her baby yesterday and hopefully is very happy now that she has met him. I did tell Ray when the news came but I suspect that he already knew.
Helen I hope that your son is able to tell you how he feels a little more now. My Youngest son tells me nothing but he is very supportive to me. I am not sure how either of my sons doing even though I ask them. My daughter is a little more open. They are lovely people and help in any way they can.
Take care everyone and remember it is ok to cry and rail against your situation but then you have to pick yourself up and smile, ready to face the world.
Son is in angry mode now!! Not all the time but little things set him off. Suppose it`s all part of it. I feel quite ok today, strange!!! Had a good day at work and actually cooked tea.
Luckily I sleep ok now, didn`t at first!! Still feel tired though even after a good night`s sleep???
Hi Patricia, Still not sleeping well i wonder if i will ever go to bed and sleep all night again. You just end up so shattered through the day but what can i do. You are right in saying there is nothing we can do about it and we just have to pick ourselves up and plod on. (although hard at times)
Helen my son gets very angry as well, he has been down tonight and done a few wee jobs for me. He is very much like his dad not keen on diy but he does try.
Well better get off to bed and see how i sleep tonight, goodnight all. Fiona x
Hello Helen and Fiona, anger is a normal part of the grieving process we have to go through. Not everyone feels anger but there is nothing wrong if we do. At least it shows that they are not just holding everything in. Hopefully that will pass soon though as it must be quite distressing to see
I had a pretty nice day yesterday and kept myself busy most of the time (doing what, I am not sure). Last night was not the best one I have ever spent. I went to bed quite late and very very tired but as soon as I was in bed the feeling of grief and loneliness overwhelmed me and I was sobbing and sobbing. I did think that I was getting past that stage but obviously not. It is weird how these terribly strong feeling just overtake me at the strangest of times. I did not want to get up this morning because it just means another endless day without Ray and I am not sure just how well I can deal with it anymore. I know I have no choice but why should I have to endure this heartache and loneliness. Yes I know that others have to go through the same and sometimes worse but hey just for today I am going to allow myself to wallow in self pity. A very negative attitude you might think but I usually try to remain upbeat.
Hi Patricia, Hope today not been too bad for you, believe me i know what you mean about night time and going to bed and feeling so alone, i just don't seem to be able to shut off when i go to bed and not sleeping until really late then waken as many times through the night and of course could sleep when time to get up, i am off work tomorrow so don't need to jump up. I seem to put off going to bed now and getting later and later evernight we were always in bed early as Derek was out early every morning. Hope your night not too bad. Take Care Fiona xxx
Well yesterday was pretty boring really. Didn't do much because I couldn't be bothered. Never even left the house. Just moped about all day. Dinner was out of the freezer. Left over meat from a previously cooked meal. I did add fresh potatoes and vegetables though. I went to bed about 4am as I was just not tired enough to sleep. My brain was in overdrive and I couldn't find the off switch (any ideas where I can buy a new one?). Slept on and off as per usual and got up feeling and looking like a dog's dinner (but not quite as good). It is my son's birthday tomorrow and I have been internet shopping to buy him a gift from his 'wish list' on Amazon. Soooooo handy when you have no ideas of your own or just can't be bothered (sorry son, no offence meant). I would have liked to be with him tomorrow for his first birthday without his dad but a) he will be at work and b) it is a long way to go just for an hour and he probably wants to spend the time wiht his lovely fiancee. I anm just being an overprotective mum to my adult son. I will be seeing him on Sunday though so I guess that wil have to do. I hope that you are all doing ok and managing to get on with life. love and Angel Hugs x x x Patricia x x x
