Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Hi Fiona, I am so glad that you enjoyed the concert. It is very strange how the mind lets us forget the tragedies in our lives if only briefly. I say this knowing full well that other people have far worse things to endure in their lives than I could ever imagine (my dearly beloved Ray being one of them). Yes I am here trying to pick up the pieces of my life but I did not have to endure the illness or the ensuing suffering it caused. I sit here feeling sorry and sad but should be glad that he is no longer having to suffer physical and emotional torment. As I sit here, I can see his face looking at me from his photograph. It was taken last year just after we found out he had cancer. He looks so well and so happy, oh how nieve I was. Little did I know just what was in store. Even though I knew the statistics for survival (or not), I tried so hard to encourage him to be positive. He told me on more than one occasion that it was only our love for each other that made him fight on. Fiona I am so sorry to ramble on. You asked what I was doing this week. Nothing of any consequence. My daughter is helping with the lighting for an amateur dramatics production of 'West Side Story'. These productions are usually very good so I am thinking that I might try to get myself a ticket and go to see it. This would not be a sad occasion because Ray was not a 'musical' lover. It is my birthday on Sunday and I just want to let it pass unnoticed but my eldest son has other ideas. I still seem to drift from one day to the next not always knowing what I have actually done with the day. What I should be doing is getting myself sorted out and making the most of each day not letting them drift by. Just what am I thinking? The party you have been invited to would be hard for you to attend but maybe you could just go for a short time to see how you cope, leaving without without making a fuss if things become too much for you. You will never know if you don't try and also, you may surprise yourself and enjoy it. Anyway enough from me. Take care and I hope you have a good day x x Patricia x x
Hi Patricia, You are so right in what you are saying i also was so nieve and little did i know what was in front of me, i sometimes think i really just wanted to block the whole thing out and not talk about it. Well at least they are not suffering now, ones they got Derek onto his chemo he also looked better than he had done for months and i believed i would have him for a long time but alas it was not meant to be and he went down hill so fast in just a few days.
I also like musicals but was not Derek's scene so i usually went with friends or my sister but i have not saw West Side Story the last one i saw was South Pacific just at our local theatre. I also go to Edinburgh to see them. I hope you have a nice birthday when it comes i know how you feel they all mean nothing now.
Well i better get off to bed as working in the morning, speak soon.
Hi Fiona, I went out last night with some friends, I had a lovely evening and was very tired when I came home. I still only slept intermittently though. How disappointing. I have bought a ticket to go to the show 'West Side Story'. I got the last available ticket and it is for Saturday night. I have always wanted to go to Edinburgh but have never made it yet. Perhaps one day. I had a busy day yesterday doing the finances and generally keeping busy (doing what I am not quite sure but I seemed to be busy all day). Ray continues to smile at me from his picture and I continue to talk to him. Does that make me sad or mad? Whatever it is, I don't care because it makes me feel better. Oh dear, yesterday was a good day in respect of not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat but somehow I feel that today is going to be different. Only time will tell. I hope that you are doing ok and having a good day. Take care x x Tricia x x
Dear Tricia, if speaking to the photograh makes you sad or mad, then we should set up a club!!!!!!!!!!!!! I agree that it makes us feel better- so who cares what anyone else thinks????? have as good a day as you can. Sue x
Dear Sue, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I talk to Ray every single day and always say good night God bless. I have just read your profile. So sorry for your very recent and sad loss. It is so hard isn't it? You must be drowning in paper-work at the moment. It amazed me just how much there was. Today I was talking to my dad about this very subject (mum died 2 years ago). We were saying it seems so cruel that when you are at your most vulnerable, they expect you to sort out lots of things that you have never ever had to deal with before. I wish you all the very best and hope you can find the strength to get you through the next few weeks and months. Take care x x Patricia x x p.s. welcome to the 'conversation with photograph' club.
Hi Tricia, Nice to hear from you , i do hope you enjoy your musical i would like to see West Side Story . Well today i have been weepy it seems to be the post that starts me off pension stuff this morning for me and i don't understand it either. Do you live near Edinburgh i am about two hours away but i use to go with a friend on a bus trip to see a musical and then stop off for our tea. I wonder if i will ever feel like doing it again. Life is so hard. Well i better get off to bed i just get later and later everynight as i just can't sleep. Speak soon. Take Care Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx
Fiona, I hope that today was a better one for you. I am still getting mail for Ray, usually rubbish but sometimes it is something that has to be dealt with. It is hard for my son as his initials are the same as his dad's so the poor lad sometimes opens mail intended for his dad and I cannot shield him from that. No I do not live near Edinburgh, I am actually from Yorkshire, but spent many happy times with family in Glasgow when I was a child. My daughter has invited me to her house for my evening meal prior to going to the 'show'. My family are intent on making me celebrate my birthday, one way or another. So many phone calls and invitations. I have never been one to celebrate my birthday and this year I just want to let it pass without any fuss but hey ho best let them get on with it if it makes them all feel better. Remember, Derek is only a heartbeat away. You will in time start to feel a little less raw and you will start to pick up the pieces but you will always feel sad for all that you have lost and the life changes that have been forced upon you. I hope you have a reasonable weekend and manage to get a little more sleep. Take care x x Patricia x x
Hi Patricia, Well my day not been any better, i was ironing this morning and my iron tripped all the switches and i tried to sort it myself but in the end i had to phone my son and he came down and sorted it for me but by the time he got here i was crying and said to him i just don't want to be on this life now and then i felt so guilty at saying it to him as he is hurting as well, so i have cried on and off all day think i will need to take a diazapam and see if that helps me sleep and may be i will feel better tomorrow. Hope you enjoy your meal and your show. Speak soon.
Fiona, I am so sorry that you have had such an awful day. It is so difficult when the little things go wrong and somehow we can't cope enough to sort them out. So your son found you crying. I am sure he will understand. Yes he is hurting and yes he will be upset to see you so upset but at the end of they day he is there for you as I am sure you are for him if he needs you. I too have said I really don't want to be here anymore but know in my heart that I am being foolish. Try not to feel guilty for voicing how you feel, this is the way to get through these extremely sad times and get a little bit of normality back into your life. I know normality is a distant memory but you will find a 'new' normal eventually. I do hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x
Patricia hope you enjoy your birthday as much as you can, I was spoilt on mine (9th June) Like you didn`t really want to celebrate this year but I am sure Paul would have been cross if I didn`t! I got spoilt and went out for a meal with son and daughter.
When Paul found out his cancer was terminal he often asked what I was going to do after, like you all it was a question I ignored and told him I couldn`t imagine it!! I always tried to keep positive but Paul was much more realistic, he even told me I mustn`t spend the rest of my life on my own and I must meet someone. How can I even contemplate that??? Oh no, more tears!!! Good start to a Sunday lol!!! Everytime I cry the dog comes up to me bless him, poor thing must be stressed out!!!
Fiona, hope today is better for you, I had a cry with son (17) at 1.30am the other morning, I woke to hear him breaking his heart xxx He`s been keeping it in I think so we had a cry and a chat xxx Daughter (15) talks more and we have a cry sometimes, they really are fab, Paul was worried how we`d all manage after, he would be so proud of them ((((())))))
