Following on from my last post, my wife seems less disconnected and isolated now. But that could just be that since her first round of Chemo a week ago, she has been mainly sleeping and generally feeling like crap! That seems to be passing now though. She is now getting out of bed in time to do the school pick up run in the afternoons.
I know that sounds a bit ungrateful of me but I have to find humour in the situation, otherwise I think I would just explode with rage and anger.
Which leads me to the point of this post, Why am I so short tempered at the moment?????
I am usually quite relaxed and calm. But in the last 4-5 months the things that just used to wash over me now get me agitated and angry. What's worse is that it took an "argument" about how to reheat some beef stew to make me realise what my wife could clearly already see.
The only thing I can liken it to, is that a couple of weeks ago BC (before chemo), we had all the wife's family over for Sunday lunch. All very nice but I kept myself out of the way in the kitchen doing the cooking and then the washing up. This wasn't because I was trying to be a martyr , look how much I am doing, it was because I just wanted to be on my own. It was then that it hit me, the realisation that this is going to be my life for the next 6 months or so. Cooking, cleaning, looking after our boys, trying to keep everyone positive (especially the wife).. I know that sounds selfish, what my life is going to be like. It is, after all, the wife who has this terrible disease. Maybe it is selfish, but that's ok isn't it? After all this disease affects all of us. And I think it is that aspect that some people don't realise. I get the feeling that it is expected of me to just pick up the things that she can no longer do. And I am doing that and without complaint (although the above would appear to contradict this). But honestly, I am not complaining.
I am just frustrated by the whole situation. The feeling of helplessness is all consuming. I do what I can practically. I support where I can emotionally. However, even then there is still very little I can do. I can't take the cancer away. I can't take the sick feeling after chemo away. It is just so damn frustrating. At times I fell like a voyeur watching my own life happening before me through a window. Involved but unable to control what is going on.
As you can see, this above is just a 46 year old, balding, grey haired, grey bearded, slightly portly bloke just having a rant.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. If you gave up after line 1, I don't blame you as I nearly gave up then as well.
Stay positive, the hours of darkness are followed by light xx
It's ok not to be ok
We all need to rant and vent are frustration as carers we are looking in and carrying this heavy load of a rollercoaster full of emotions
at time's with people around us we still feel so alone
I understand the wanting needing to be on your own to
Don't forget you are doing a fantastic job and one of the hardest job
Sending much love and a big hug to you
The thing about this forum we can rant as much as we like vent our anger and frustration with none judgment
I've done it and the feed back i get back no matter how small( someone just saying i hear you) can be so uplifting
Rant away 
Xxx
