Cancer Widow/Widower Club

FormerMember over 15 years ago

314 replies
13 subscribers
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I've decided to create this as it seems that when you lose your life partner, people don't know what to say or family members think they know how you feel. People give me puppy dog eyes and family members feel they need to fill up my time by either visiting me or inviting me to there houses or ringing me to check on how I'm coping.

I feel like i've become part of a club of people that know how I think and feel and it brings me such great relife to talk to strangers that actually have a clue.

I lost my husband 2 half weeks ago and I've felt numb, I haven't cried much and people keep saying I'm strong, Why? I'm not strong I've had 6 months to come to the idea that my husband was so poorly that he was going to die, I cried for two days solid and made excuses to my daughter so not to upset her and each time the chemo didn't work I cried. So I'm not strong I just had a longer time to get my head around the idea that my husband wasn't going to be around for long, I've just got to get on with my life for my sake and my daughters and there is not a day go by that I don't think about my wonderful husband and at night times I cry when nobody is present. I have to go back to work and I can't face it the thought of people saying how sorry they are and giving me sad faces just make me want to be sick and makes me nervous. I'm not one for being the centre of attention and I know this is going to be the case. I find myself through out the day just stopping and staring out of the windows or staring in to space almost like day dreaming but not.

So the widow club is so that you can write down how you feel at that moment. Everything you write someone will probably have felt at some point.

Ash x

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I have been reading the posts on this thread for a while now, & for some reason feel need to write tonight. I can't believe i'm sat on the internet on Valentine's Day looking at the Macmillan website. This time last year I was drinking champagne, with my husband Chris, & toasting our happy life together. We knew Chris had advanced stomach cancer, but he was so positive, I sincerely thought he'd beat the odds.

I too have lost my partner, he passed away on 30th November 2010. He was 33. It'll be 11 weeks tomorrow, & each day seems to get harder. I must cry at least 5 times a day.

Chris was diagnosed in November 2008 & fought so hard for 2 years. All he wanted was to live his life, especially after finding out I was pregnant in July last year. He was so proud & excited knowing that against all odds, he was going to be a Dad. Unfortunately Chris lost his battle despite fighting until the end, & will never get to meet his son, due in 5 weeks. It breaks my heart to think about what he went through, & all the way through he was always trying to protect me

I just want to say 'Happy Valentines' to my gorgeous husband & thanks to those who post here. It gives me comfort to know that what i'm feeling isn't crazy, & that there is hope i'll get through this. You are all so brave, no-one should have to deal with this terrible disease.

xxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Jo,

Im so sorry to hear your story, I cant imagine what it must have been like losing your husband during your pregnancy - Cancer is so cruel in many many ways.

I like you have lost my husband to stomach cancer, he was young, fit and full of life and our children were the centre of his world. It is 9 months since Micky died but it seems like yesterday. I still find it very hard to tell our story, and the heartbreaking thing is that so many people are going through exactly the same at the same time.

I wish you well for the future with your new baby. Your husband will live on through him/her

Take Care

Clare xxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Ash - I've read other posts you've put on but only just realised how similar our situations are. I need to do what you're doing and concentrate on my daughters but I've only just got to the stage where I've stopped being angry with them. Not angry as such but at first it broke my heart that the kids didn't seem to be upset and would still argue and cry over trivial things when they hadn't cried over their father dying. Now I've had other mums say things in passing at school like 'they've been telling me about their memory boxes....' or 'Olivia didn't eat her dinner today becuase she was sad. ...' and as sad as that is its made me feel better and realise they do feel the loss but show it in such a different way. Carl wrote me a letter about 4 months before he died just before he was trying a last ditch chemo treatment saying that if anything happened he knew I would bring the kids up perfect and told me not to grieve too long. I know things will improve as time goes on because they have too but keep getting knocked down with tidal waves of sadness. How old is your daughter? xxx

Joe ... so sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer is the most evil thing in the world, I absolutely hate what it does and at times of our lives when we're happy and got everything to live for. Another thing that Carl put in his letter was that if anything did happen to him that his character, personality and genes would be in our children and then I talk about him a lot and make sure they know how much he loved them and still loves them from whereever he is now. Being pregnant is difficult enough in itself so take care and keep posting xxx

Clare ... not sure what to say really. I lost my mum to stomach cancer 21/2 years ago and again its just a horrible nasty evil disease and just hope that you are ok. xxx and to you Wiljon sorry to read about your wife x

I've been to the doctors this morning as I had a minor op last week and in some discomfort but the doctor I saw was the same one that certified Carls death so got a bit tearful in front of her. Discussed work and told her that I was struggling emotionally and had June in mind for going back so she gave me a 3 month sick note. As its a group practise I've been seeing another doctor who has been issuing me with 4 weekly sick notes and although its only a small thing its a big relief to know I've now got till May before making any decisions.

Love and hugs to all who post

Janet xxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello ladies. My daughter didn't cry very much and shows very little emotion and like you Janet I screamed at her and said that she didn't care about her father and she got very upset and said I think about him all the time, I've just forgotten the cancer bit. It's difficult because it's been taken away from us, it's not something we had a choice in. But your have your ups and downs as the year goes on. I didn't have a bad time and christmas but I'm having a bad time now because this was the time my husband was diagnosed and in march was when he started chemo. I sit in my bedroom looking at the amazing picture of my husband and daughter together and in my head I can't believe his not here, I expect him to walk through the door or call my name, that's the hard bit as I know his gone - it's bonkers. My daughter has been fantastic as she's so grounded like her father, which in turn keeps me on my toes. I know what the problem with me is, I've lost my best friend the grown up if you like and the thought that I have to make all the decisions is hard, even though I know I used to make them anyway I felt comfort that I had someone there to tell me yes or no. I threw myself back in to work a month after my husband died, as the thought of staying at home drove me mad, looking at pictures, listening to music I thought why torture yourself be constructive do something so I did. I also started a course to keep my mind occupied, it's been so difficult, learning isn't what it used to be. Me and my daughter are on our new adventure now and we make an ok team. Oh my daughter's 11yrs old in March Ash xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello Everyone,
Sorry for my English language, it is one of 4 foreign languages that I know not so perfectly. My Husband Roger has died in the last summer, on July, 28th.
4 months ago I had a dream - my mother-in-law on the bridge goes to other side of the river, I ask her "wait please, I will help you, you can't go alone without help, your legs is not so good''.
She has stopped and looked back.... But i knew, she should go....
I have woken up, my pillow was wet, I cried in the sleep. I knew she will be not long with us.
On February, 14th ambulance took her in hospital. I cry when she sleeps, I look at her face and I see my Husband, her son....Same eyes, same lips....
My own mum has died because of a blood cancer, my father-in-law has died because of a stomach cancer, my husband has died because oesophagus cancer and now my mother-in-law dies because of a skin cancer. This horrible illness takes and breaks so many lives. My mother-in-law such kind and lovely person, and now she too leaves me.
I look at a photo where she and my husband are happy and smile. It was such warm and sweet time.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I'm new to the site and am sitting in tears after reading all the previous discussions.

I lost my husband 7 weeks ago today, he had a Grade 4 brain tumour which was inoperable, he'd never been ill in his life before. At first I thought I couild deal with his death. but I was just in a bubble. Now I'm an emotional wreck, crying at the simplest of things. It seems to be getting worse. Everyone thinks you're getting over it, but its getting harder.

i'm off work, signed off sick, but cant imagine ever wanting to go back or being able to deal with everyone coming up to me, sayng how sorry they are, then a week later, they'll forget.

I cant forget, I'm 56 and feel my life is over. We had been together since I was 18 and so looking forward to the rest of our lives together. The house seems so empty and although I have 2 grown up children who hve been great, they would be so upset to think I cried most of the day.

It helps to know there are others out there who feel the same and hopefully it will get easier as time goes on.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi. I have been a member of the Mac site since about October 2010 but haven't really contributed much largely because I feel my experience of cancer was very brief and many of the discussions seem to be about people's on going battles with the disease, treatments,therapies etc of which I know very little so I was glad to find this thread. My wife was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma and passed away 5 weeks following her diagnosis. She became ill and weak very quickly and was unable to undergo any treatment apart from palliative care.

Six months on and I too feel that there is an expectation from many people (though not those closest to me) that I should be getting over it now. I think I am coping and my stock answer when people ask me how I am is just to say that I am fine but the reality is that I have bad days and not so bad days.

I have been fortunate in that I am close to so many people who were close to my wife even before we were married including her three children and a few of her friends. I also have several close friends of my own that I can really open up to. I think the best advice I have been given is not to be hard on yourself, and realise that much of what you go through is a natural and not uncommon process (a diifficult one to take when I feel everything about my wife's death, her age, the suddenness was unnatural). Sorry if that sounds a bit of a platitude but that advice made some sense when I attended the bereavement support group at the Marie Curie hospice where my wife spent some time. Just hearing people saying little things about their experience which I identified with helped loads even just realising for example that I wasn't mad because I slept with one of her nightdresses under my pillow.

Anyway I am glad I found this thread and will come on it again. Haven't checked thoroughly but are there any other males on this thread?

All the best to everyone on here. Keep strong.

Joe

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

hi i'm 46yrs old i lost my husband steve 6/12/10 it is 10wks for me now. i feel up.down at the minute, gone on anti-dpressants to help me along this journey from hell!! i have to think about going back to work in march, part-time for a month then full-time. it is daunting to say the least!! i work with lots of people, hardly anyone has phoned me. i get the odd text of two girls, the last week has been hard, constant crying, headaches feeling really tired just not wanting to go through another day of 'NORMAL LIVING' at least i have the thee girls at home 17.12.12 who make me get up in mornings . i still feel in a bubble ,numb. totally alone, shocked. thinking how does anyone get through losing your loved one? as i keep getting told TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME but by god it's hard

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

It must be so hard having younger children, but at least they give you something to focus on each day. The emptiness of the house and having to cook for one is so difficult, If anyone had told me I would be such an emotional mess, I wouldnt have believed them.

There is no NORMAL now, everything has no meaning.

I've not heard from many of our 'friends' since the funeral. They all said they would call, go out for lunch, coffee etc, but probably dont know what to say. It would just be nice to know they cared, they dont have to say anything special.

I thought that dealing with Bill having a terminal illness was a tough journey, but this definitely is the road to hell and there is no end in sight,

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi, baberton, I am 4 months into it and at times it is easier already, but still too often tears which only emphasise the emptiness, nothing seems to fill it. I have been encouraged by the entries on this blog in particular but also in talking to those who I know lost as partner some time ago and I say to myself if they did it you can , you can't have loved her any more than they loved their partner . And there is only one alternative to getting through it and that is not an option as far as I am concerned .Take strength from the rest of us suffering together .