Cancer Widow/Widower Club

FormerMember over 14 years ago

314 replies
13 subscribers
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I've decided to create this as it seems that when you lose your life partner, people don't know what to say or family members think they know how you feel. People give me puppy dog eyes and family members feel they need to fill up my time by either visiting me or inviting me to there houses or ringing me to check on how I'm coping.

I feel like i've become part of a club of people that know how I think and feel and it brings me such great relife to talk to strangers that actually have a clue.

I lost my husband 2 half weeks ago and I've felt numb, I haven't cried much and people keep saying I'm strong, Why? I'm not strong I've had 6 months to come to the idea that my husband was so poorly that he was going to die, I cried for two days solid and made excuses to my daughter so not to upset her and each time the chemo didn't work I cried. So I'm not strong I just had a longer time to get my head around the idea that my husband wasn't going to be around for long, I've just got to get on with my life for my sake and my daughters and there is not a day go by that I don't think about my wonderful husband and at night times I cry when nobody is present. I have to go back to work and I can't face it the thought of people saying how sorry they are and giving me sad faces just make me want to be sick and makes me nervous. I'm not one for being the centre of attention and I know this is going to be the case. I find myself through out the day just stopping and staring out of the windows or staring in to space almost like day dreaming but not.

So the widow club is so that you can write down how you feel at that moment. Everything you write someone will probably have felt at some point.

Ash x

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi everyone. It's been 31 weeks for me and it was this time last year that my husband was diagnosed and I think this is why I've been feeling more down than usual. I've been re-living how I felt then, the sadness, the worry and the not knowing what was going to happen. My husband was an amazing man, he new I worried about everything so he wouldn't tell me stuff and suffered silently despite me always saying I'll help him or doing anything, he was so positive that he was going to get better to me that I actually believed he would, but deep down he new this was a battle he wasn't going to win and was so scared of leaving me and our daughter that he told everyone that. He would say I'm not frightened to die I'm just frightened of leaving my girls behind. The hardest part of anything like this is telling your child that their father is going to die, I've never felt so sad or heart broken in my whole life when my daughter screamed and this deep deep sorrow moan came out of her mouth saying not my dad, not my dad that truly broke my heart on that day. My hat goes off to my brilliant brother who actually told my daughter that he father had died, that must have been one of the hardest things to do. I'm sorry, I needed to get this out of my head as it's been playing around and around and around in there ripping me apart over the past two weeks. I need to move on, I can't keep thinking about this stuff anymore - my little girl is so strong, she doesn't mention what's gone on and has grown up so quickly she'll be celebrating her birthday next month it's hard to believe it's been a year already it's gone so quick, like everything in life. I met my husband in 94 and I remember to this day what it was like, what he wore and how I felt and it never changed I still felt like this 16/17 years later, I was so happy being his wife.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Ashbonce, so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are still in the very early stages.

It's been just over 8 months for me and it's taken a while but believe me it does get to a point where the good memories of life before cancer gradually take over and you will remember the good times. I was just the same couldn't sleep, frightened to really because then I would start to think. Every new month I would think back to what had happened and recall what stage we were at at that time.

I have been numb over the last 19 months, since Steve was diagnosed and over the last few days I have gradually started to feel again in a good way. I will never forget Steve and he will always be in my heart. I know I will still have good days and bad days but that horrible numbness is gradually going.

Everyone goes through grief differently but please know that these feelings will pass, it doesn't mean that you will ever forget your husband but your memories of him will be good.

Love and hugs

Midge xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Midge09
You a lady who's trying to get all the over 50's to join facebook. The first that I thought when read it - it look like a fun club. Maybe nothing wrong but I felt not nice about it.
And i felt same again after reading your letter -
You can't say about everyone - ".You are still in the very early stages." or
" please know that these feelings will pass, it doesn't mean that you will ever forget your husband but your memories of him will be good".
This ONLY YOUR OWN ATTITUDE and FEELINGS.
But I will say, please know - TRUE LOVE and TRUE GRIEF HAVE NO STAGES ".
time is a good healer if nothing to heal.
I nearly lost my own life (heart problem), i thought I will lose vision. It happens at same time when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. It was the hell. But I should forget about my illnesses, I was only one who could help Him. I tried to be strong for Him.
Now.... it is so quiet around, so empty... I should continue to live. Our love, tears and smiles always with me.
I feel how short life is and now i am on my way to my Lovely Husband, my Friend, my Everything and it is what make me smile and helps me go through..
I will never tell to anyone " your memories of him or her will be good" or "you will be OK later". The words like this can't help.
My Husband not the memories but He is my life, he with me always.
Last week I have made for Him video with our a photos and i always try to help to others at any way that i can. I tell always, please remember, your Loved One with you always. He or She is not memories, not our past, they with us, True love never dies, they are watching us and waiting for us and of course help us from heaven at any way that they can.
If any one from this site need my help, my e-mail is - hawaifoxs@yahoo.com at any time.
My name is Elen, i am 48. I don't want to use club over 50's, 60's and etc, I believe this site is good enough and open for any ages. And thanks to Ashbonce, blackbun40, janken2, Julie3, orchid23 and others. Yours a letters help me not to be alone.
best wishes for all of you.
Elen

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Yes, a definite breakthrough today , had the 3 sons and youngest one's wife for lunch as we do 2nd Sunday and managed references to Mum without actually crying in front of them, I think this is the hardest thing for me as where I come from men don't cry , yes I know now that's rubbish . Wife though never, and I mean never shed a tear for herself , never really complained until 2 days before she died ,. a quiet Sunday afternoon and her last audible words in her semicoma " I want to die, I don't want to live " . Round and round in my head it goes .

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I learned to cry and am no longer embarrassed or ashamed, in fact am quite proud of showing my emotions

Charles

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello Everyone Thank you midge and Elen for your support. Wiljon I know what you mean when you say, where I come from men don't cry, you remind me of my father who's now 80yrs old and he was brought up dare I say it, a REAL man and when i say that I mean it in the sense of the 1930's, 40's, 50's etc way of thinking whereby it was frowned upon if a man cried after all he was the man, the bread winner the supporter and so forth. My dad has been fantastic through all my life because of his REAL man strength which was instilled in him as a child/young boy, through my darkest hours when I nearly died he was still standing strong giving me support and not a tear rolled down his eyes, when he used to lift me out of bed because I couldn't move he didn't cry but was really strong and gentle making sure not to hurt me, when I broke my heart when my husband died he didn't cry he just did what I needed my REAL man dad to do and this was, sympathy and then a virtual slap round the face saying "I know it's hard but what you can you do, you have a child that still needs her mother and a family that will always be there for you no matter what". To some people that may seem a bit harsh, but my dad was a proper Londoner his seen death and horror and survied and I know that he has brought me up with the same strength that he has. Unlike like my father I have a my mothers blood running through my body too she's tough old lady of 80 and she has had a hard life but also has an amazing strength and the overwhelming love she has for her family could knock you over, she's proud of all of us but for some reason especially me, I don't know why me, she says I've had life the hardest (health wise) than the others. Anyway Happy Valentines to my georgeous Husband who died on 11 July 2010. I love you Muz I always will and I know your with me (partly because your picture is in a locket around my neck) everyday and I love seeing you in my dreams Love you Muz xx Happy Valentines day to all you widows/widdowers give loves messages to your loved ones as they are still there you just can't see them. Ashbonce xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Wiljon Its great that you had Sunday lunch with your children, we all have the wobbly moments when we sit there thinking were doing really well and then out the blue, the bottom lip trembles and you find yourself trying to hold back tears and not making eye contact. You know what I don't know why we (as in people) do that, what don't we just cry and let it all out, and scream and shout and say it's not fair it's should have been that evil B. But we never do, maybe we should all start, I find I feel so much better crying and getting emotional then keeping it all in as you lot on here have probably heard for the past couple of weeks, I'm getting through it a bit now but it's been tough it goes in peaks and troughs. Anyway Goodnight Sleeptight xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi everyone - I don't really have a problem crying and seem and 31/2 months on still spending all my time alone doing so. I can block it out when I'm in company and have had a few nights out and can am lucky to have family and friends that come round regulary. I haven't gone back to work yet as I'm not ready to accept that my life has moved on when I still want the old one back so much. I look at photos of Carl and in those hes the perfect healthy man that hes always been and still should be and I can't believe cancer has taken such a strong, vibrant man. What still kills me is thinking what he must have been thinking as the end got closer. He was a 'real' man and didn't show much emotion to others and all I can see is him being strong when I know he didn't want to die and would have tried anything to be here for me and the kids.

I'm had a look at the WAY website and think I'll join and see if they do anything in the Manchester/Oldham area as just feel as though I want to be in the company of people who know what its like. My Macmillan nure last came round after Christmas and said she'd let me know if there was any local groups but haven't heard from her as yet. Glad to be using this site although not sure how to get the most out of it yet, but to everyone whos using it all the best xxx Janet

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Your post jfm1973 could well be mine, we seem to have lost our spouse at about the same time, 20/10/2010 for me. We came down here to Hampshire from the M'cr suburbs, well Urmston . My wife too was very strong rarely showing any emotion in relation to her treatment. I though am an old man at 77 and while I am sure I will need a companion in the future it is a long lonely road at present . When my wife had just died she looked perfectly at peace and just as though she was asleep in her bed that morning and I am left with that as a comforting memory of her . They say it gets easier . Bill.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi jfm1973 Well you are exactly like me. My husband died of NHL on 11 July 2010 and he was 42yrs old he got a grade 4 rare NHL cancer in the January and was out of my life by the July, so we had only 7 months with my husband and he left me and our daughter and like you i've never been so scared in my life, that's why I started the widow/widdower club because I wanted people to tell me it's ok to cry, scream, be scared, worry and tell me it's one day going to get easier and sure enough, there have been an amazing bunch of people on this blog giving support and comfort, people who have been through this years ago and helping me realise that I can cope, I have no choice my child needs me. I've put all my energy in to my daughter and it's been so harrrddd but totally rewarding, we have become closer and a parent and child and we support each other. I did look on the way up programme and they wanted money, I personally don't think you should have to pay when your griefing but that's only my opinion. So I'm on my own and I pushed myself back in to work and concentrated on the things that were good in my life. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love and adore my husband and always will but there is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation I'm in, I didn't want it. I just wanted me, my husband and our daughter to live happily ever after but alas it wasn't going to happen so I'm on a new adventure with just me and my daughter and together we will get through this. So be strong Ashbonce xx