Cancer Widow/Widower Club

FormerMember over 14 years ago

314 replies
13 subscribers
612104 views

I've decided to create this as it seems that when you lose your life partner, people don't know what to say or family members think they know how you feel. People give me puppy dog eyes and family members feel they need to fill up my time by either visiting me or inviting me to there houses or ringing me to check on how I'm coping.

I feel like i've become part of a club of people that know how I think and feel and it brings me such great relife to talk to strangers that actually have a clue.

I lost my husband 2 half weeks ago and I've felt numb, I haven't cried much and people keep saying I'm strong, Why? I'm not strong I've had 6 months to come to the idea that my husband was so poorly that he was going to die, I cried for two days solid and made excuses to my daughter so not to upset her and each time the chemo didn't work I cried. So I'm not strong I just had a longer time to get my head around the idea that my husband wasn't going to be around for long, I've just got to get on with my life for my sake and my daughters and there is not a day go by that I don't think about my wonderful husband and at night times I cry when nobody is present. I have to go back to work and I can't face it the thought of people saying how sorry they are and giving me sad faces just make me want to be sick and makes me nervous. I'm not one for being the centre of attention and I know this is going to be the case. I find myself through out the day just stopping and staring out of the windows or staring in to space almost like day dreaming but not.

So the widow club is so that you can write down how you feel at that moment. Everything you write someone will probably have felt at some point.

Ash x

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Wiljon, yes it does get a little easier. Not easy, but easier. I am nearly five months into this new life and when I look back I do find I am hurting a little less and am looking forward a little more. It does help speaking to people who are further down the line than us and knowing we will get through this. No-one said it would be easy, how can it be, if it was it would make a mockery of all the years we spent with our partners. This site has also been a life-line. When I have been at my lowest there is always someone to help me through.

So to all who are further forward, thank you for your support and for those of you just starting out on this new life, please take comfort from the fact that, although at the moment you will not believe it, but it does get easier and you do get through.

Hope your day will go as well as it can

Take care

Pammie xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

We have every reason to P'd off, scared, worried, unsure my head still can't get over the fact that they can stick someone on the moon but can't find a cure for cancer. But as my husband would say it is what it is. We will all feel total dispare, unimaginable sorrow but we have to carry on, we don't have a choice, our lives didn't stop because our husbands or wifes passed on. We need to look to the future and start building new lifes for ourselves, never ever forgetting the brilliant people that we have loved and lost but by showing them that we are strong enough to carry on. I really do believe in my heart that my husband is by me everyday in one form or another, how can he not be after all those years his bound to of rubbed off on me so with every step I take I know his taking with me and in my mind his talking saying things like "Don't be daft think about you and Mols", "Don't be hard on yourself" etc, so to make my husband proud I will carry on as I know one day I'll see him again and I'll run in to his arms and cuddle him and never let him go. Life is what you make it, and when you think about we're only on this planet for a short time. I believe I have the bestest husband in the world, I speak to him everyday I laugh in the street when I think about the jokes or silly things he would do just to make me smile, thats what keeps him alive for me. I'm sorry if what I've said upsets anyone it's not meant to, it's just how I'm feeling at the moment - I'm trying to be positive. I'm tired of being tired, my eyes are sore, my heart feel sore I'm fed up. But it will get better, its got too.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Ashley, I'm sure your words won't upset anyone on here. I think most people in our position understand exactly the thoughts and emotions you are expressing. Despite words from the wise people who talk about a grieving process, for those of us caught up in this storm there is no logic to what has happened we flounder about trying to make some sense of of what has happened. In the meantime all we can do on some days is get up in the morning , breathe in and put one foot in front of another and get through the day.

For myself, personally, getting through the first half hour when I waken up is a tough one and I ususally cry at some point. Thereafter the day is a lottery of emotions. We all get tired of this grief but in some ways it is just a vindication of the love we have for our partner (the clue is in the word- they were so very much a part of us). I don't know yet how the process of healing will manifest itself. Its probably happening already but just very slowly and gently. So I will just carry on with the small steps every day and maybe start to see some light at some point.

But you know sometimes all I ache for is to hear her voice or laughter.

Take care everyone

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thanks jfb61. It's funny with all things that my husband has suffered with in his life I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to beat this one, I started to take video's of him in secret so that I wouldn't forget how he walked, how he danced, what he sounded like and it brings me so much comfort, I sometimes smell his clothes the ones that he wore to the hospice as they still have his smell on them. You are right though we are healing slowly and gently I'm very emotional at the moment because this time last year it all started and that brings back so many sad and loving memories, for instance I didn't know that I could be a carer for anyone but my husband only wanted me to be there and look after him and that's what I did and it's now I realise how strong a person I really am. Funny someone told me today that I was so positive about everything, I told them that's how my husband was so his obviously rubbed off on me. Hope you have an ok weekedn guys, my lovely brother in law is coming to visit and it's going to be nice to play catch up. xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Why can't I get over the flash backs to the time when my wife was ill? I get these images or reminders of her when she was ill and it totally floors me. They are simply horrible memories I tell myself this is not how I should remember her and I do obviously have many beautiful wonderful memories which I try to cling to.

Its just that these bad memories seem to have a power of their own and simply fly into my head without warning or reason for them.

Joe

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

jfb61 - Its strange but that's one of the things that carries me on, I think back to how my husband was before the cancer with his shoulder length hair, beard and tash then flash forward when he was lying in the hospice and that brings the reality to me. He didn't want to go, but this blooming thing got hold of him and it wasn't going to let him live and in a strange way that brings me comfort, knowing that he didn't leave me or divorce me he left because he had no choice and because of that it makes me feel loved, wanted, cherrished and they are the feelings that I hold on too. That person sitting in the bed was my husband but not the one he wanted to be, he would get so angry because of the pain but put up a brilliant fight and I've never in my life felt so proud of such a courageous man to face death and still have that fighting spirit, and that's how I think you should look at your wife as this amazing person who has such strength to face this thing head on saying "come ave a go if you think your hard enough" and go out fighting, I would sit there with my hubby talking about death, what he thought, how he thought he was going to die, was he scared and the only thing he would say was "I'm not scared dying, I'm scared of leaving my girls, you and mols". You see he was more concerned on how I was going to cope without him than actually dying and that's why his so amazing, even in his last moments he just wanted me, he never wanted anyone else and he passed away with me cuddling him to the tune of Love is in the Air as this was playing on the TV. So what I think I'm trying to say is, yes the flash backs are awful, but try and see it, as she didn't want to go she had no choice and it just makes it a little more easier to cope with, think about the times before this, think about what she may have discussed with you years ago about what you were going to do in the future and then make that your focus for her. Well that's what I'm doing trying to do what my husband wanted us to do together. Ash xx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I can relate totally to the posts re flashbacks. The person in the hospice bed was not the person we loved and lived with for many years, they didnt want to be there and my husband was more concerned about leaving me and how I would cope than his own feelings. i think he hid what he felt and how scared he must have been to be struck down with such a cruel illness.

I try to think back to the happy times we shared and not the person he had become over the last year. My husband had a brain tumour and this affected his thoughts and his ability to carry out every routine task and this was heartbreaking for both him and me. I think I'm trying to blot this out and only think of how he was before, but sometimes thats harder as I think of the unfairness in the world when genuinely decent people with so much to offer their families are taken from those they love so much.

All we can do is remember how much they loved us and agree with you that they had no choice to go. Life can be very cruel, but today is another day to get through.

Stay Positive Everyone - remember how we were loved - we are the lucky ones to have had that in our lives. Our loved ones will always be in our hearts.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I have put on here two pictures of my Jean , one taken in 1972 and the other in Winchester Hospital just 3 weeks before she had to go, not the same person to anyone but me .May look a lot different but inside she was still the person I had loved for so long and miss so much.

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi ,well I became a member of your club on the 22nd feb this year .When I lost my husband to lung cancer,we had 5 weeks from diagnosis,so didnt have TIME to do any of the things we wanted,His funeral is in 2 days and am dreading it ,my children are all dealing with his death in totally different ways and I can see problems ahead.

As a few on here have said the phone calls and visits tail off and we are left to pick up the pieces as life goes on ,but I dont want it to go on,I want it to go back so he is here again and healthy ,

now to upset to talk xxxxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Frankiew

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its not good being a member of this club. I lost my husband on 29th December to a brain tumour, we had 10 months to get used to the diagnosis, and it doesnt make it any easier at the end. 5 weeks must have been awful for you.. My 2 grown up children have dealt with their dads death in very different ways too. My son isnt scared to say he has been very upset, but my daughter just seems to get on with her life (she has a baby, so dont suppose she has much time to dwell on it).

I know how you feel about dreading the funeral, but be strong, its your opportunity to say goodbye. As my husband died just after christmas, we had to wait 2 weeks for his funeral, I was just in a bubble and didnt cry much, but it hit me really after about 4-5 weeks and I just cried and cried all day. I found the phone calls and visits tailed off very quickly as everyone thought I was dealing with it or they didnt know what to say. I'm still of work as emotionally I cant cope with it all, and have started going to counselling at our local maggies cancer support centre, they are fantastic.

Its very hard, nobody can understand how you feel unless they have been through it too. I didnt think it would be this hard. Take one day at a time and cherish your memories.