It seems the waiting never ends

Hi Sheila,

I couldn't sleep in our bedroom until I brought my husband's ashes home. Having him next to me brings me a great comfort. At the beginning, I have cuddling them and crying every night. On bad days I still do the same,7 months later. I wouldn't be able to part with it. Also, all what he wanted to do was to be at home, and I feel this is where he belongs.

I think anything that brings us some comfort is normal. I remember, at the beginning I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I was worried that people would think I'm going crazy that I would be judged and hurt. You can't explain this to someone who never went through the same experience. 

The more I learnt about the grief the more at ease I got with coping strategies that help me dealing with my loss. I now  know that  I'm not crazy or weird. Neither are you. We're just desperately sad and bereaved. 

Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and I believe we should keep doing what we do as long as it makes the unbearable just a little bit more bearable.

Lots of love

Dalia xx

Hi Alison, I remember you saying before that you are a Nurse. Firstly Please let me say Well Done for everything that you are doing at the moment with your job. You don't go un-noticed.

I am totally cheesed off because my job as a Gardener S/Employed, everyone is cancelling at a moments notice, and all the yards are closed where we got materials. That makes my day super long, and boring. I have an A3 picture of Tina opposite me and I am talking to her all the time asking what am I supposed to do now.

Some people think I am doing wrong by going walking for hours around anywhere, all they are bothered about is how many Toilet Rolls they need, or Pasta. 12 months ago when Tina was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer non of this was expected for anyone. I wish I could just wake up Normal Again.

Everyone of you please Be Safe and Alison, Well Done Again.

John

Dalia You have said everything perfectly. We are not Crazy or Weird, Just SAD and Bereaved and my God I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we are all going through now.

Keep Safe and God Bless

John

Hi I still have my first husbands ashes in the house from 20 years ago. As you say I felt  it was where he belonged. I have scattered kens ashes at the  same  spot as his best friend. I feel I shall have to make a decision  about my husbands ashes at some stage. You are so right, we have to do whatever we can to comfort ourselves and get through this situation. X

Hi All,

Have just got home from work, absolutely exhausted again. The pharmacy I work in has triple the amount of prescriptions than normal and we are working flat out plus people are coming in asking for all kinds of things they have read about on the internet to deal with coronavirus. 

I offered to work as I couldn't cope with being in the house alone all day, would drive me mad!

I was crying whilst brushing my teeth this morning and have been sobbing since coming home. I think tiredness is making me more emotional, and I keep remembering little snippets of conversations we had, or comments that he made. I'd stopped doing that but it all seems to be coming to the forefront of my mind again.

Life was so hard for us, now is even worse.

Love and hugs to everyone. Ali x

It's the little things that just pop into your mind isn't it? It's strange it's not the big things  x

Hi all 

been reading the posts   Every body is so right the feeling we have go up and down  all the time the memories run around in are heads      
i go home at nite and look at my wife pictures tell I her love her may be hope she will talk back to me 

when I go to bed at nite I close my eyes and think about are time together that’s why I must dream about her 
take care everybody 

martin x

Hi All,

I think we are all doing a great job no matter what job we do! They are all.important jobs. Ali it must be hell in a pharmacy at the moment! I am certainly no hero doing what I am. Looking after newly diagnosed cancer patients at the moment most of the time needing urgent surgery is rewarding and hopefully I can give them something..maybe s bit of understanding! I am sad to say I am hearing similar mistakes are happening in the same hospital where my husband was but you can't build Rome in a day and I can't change the world, only do a good job myself. 

Mum wants her gardener out desperately John but he has stopped working! Shame you aren't close to.me! We will all deal with.this our own way and if walking helps, go for it. 

I am impressed with Shelia running, I am so unfit! 

Martin you are great doing all this delivering! 

But no matter what we are doing we are all doing great because most people do not know we are battling on as well in more ways than one!! 

Stay safe everyone!!! Don't do anything silly like me, just to give you all a laugh, I went A over T in the bath this morning, somehow managed to land across the bathroom floor, like a fat naked dying fly!! Not a pretty sight!!! Lol. Fortunately apart from some big bruises, I managed to avoid injury and thankfully saving my hip replacement! 

Love and hugs all

Alison xxx

Hope you are OK Alison! I'm clumsy ,always on the verge of an accident. I'm also very impressed with anyone who can run, I have tried, but obviously not hard enough. It must be an amazing feeling of freedom. I shall blame my heart murmer on getting out of breath, and my creaking knees and ankles xx

hi all,

I am really struggling at the moment as now my Bob has gone I’m living alone. I still have my parent, 3 married children and 5 soon to be 6 grandchildren but as none of them live with me I am socially isolating at home. Need a cuddle and can’t have any contact with any of them. I can’t go out to work so in isolation 24 / 7 and I don’t do alone well so this situation is literally killing me. sometimes I think I might go mad.

Too much time = too much thinking and last night I sobbed and sobbed most of the night I watched video’s of my Bob singing, listened to music and look at photo’s and it was just as raw as when I lost him 10 weeks ago. I think a good cry helped but then today back to boring old lonely day. Only excitement was a bloody heron around my fish pond after my precious fish so a dash in pj’s to put nets over and then after saw pesky heron still hanging around had bright idea to string some of Bobs fishing line across to stop him landing (amazing what you can think of when required) Ran, did a work out cooked from scratch a meal and cleaned out my summer house. Yes productive but only to keep busy and distracted from the ache and loneliness and sadness I feel in my heart and I hate it. Then I’m thinking what if this isolation continues past 3 weeks I think I will be sectioned and for sure I would need to break the rules for my own mental health.

ohh well another day survived with a few firsts but nothing makes me happy or fulfilled any more it’s just to get through each day. I want physical contact so much as Bob and I were very tactile.

take care everyone it’s so bloody hard.

Sheila (now on heron watch as I’m responsible for Bobs fish)